#249 Birthday jitters

So here I am in Savannah celebrating the New Year with my parents and finding it increasingly hard to breath. Is it the increased humidity, the baby weighing down my lungs, or the fact that Eric’s birthday is, would be, should be tomorrow? I don’t even know how to phrase it.




It’s hard to believe on this beautiful, sunny, warm day that terrible, unexplained things can happen in this world, and yet they do and have.



Tomorrow Eric would have been 34 and a young vigorous man with a beautiful new wife and a promising life ahead of him. Instead we mourn and remember and hopefully celebrate the life that he did get to have.



We bought a bottle of champagne to toast him with and I’m lobbying for popcorn for dinner in his memory.



It’s not enough, but nothing will ever be enough when it comes to this.

#248 You're older in Vietnam

I went to get my nails done today and got a little more than I bargained for. I was there before they opened (they supposedly open at 9:30 and that’s when I arrived, but apparently it’s meant to be flexible) and the first person who got there was the owner. Actually he and his wife own it together, but the husband got there first. He got my manicure started and we chatted as we watched the other women come into work.




He, his wife and the other nail technicians there are all Vietnamese. He showed me a book he had gotten that tells you what’s in store for you in the new year based on the month and year of your birth. The first thing you need to know is that you are older in Vietnam than you are here. This is very depressing. Apparently they account for the time you spend in the womb, which kind of makes sense, but they must not be great mathematicians because they add 2 years and I can guarantee you I have not, nor will I ever carry a baby for a whole 2 years.



So after we figured out which section of the book to look in for me, he said I would be having some health issues in the late winter, early spring. I’m putting C-section and recovery in there, so I’m not (too) worried. He also said my financial status would be good, so that’s a relief. I’m not to invest in business with a friend in the fall and I’m to be careful driving in the fall as well.



It turns out he and my husband were born in the same month of the same year so he looked at that one too. Finances aren’t supposed to be great this winter (sorry honey), but there is great joy in the family. Can you say new baby?



Then he said that for him years 31-33 were supposed to be bad, filled with health problems or possibly even death. Guess who that made me think of? And guess who shares a birthday with Eric? Wrong year but right date. Maybe I’ll start paying a little attention to my Vietnamese fortune.

#247 Air Travel

I spent the whole day on airplanes or in airports today. I’m not complaining though, all of my flights were on time, I had time to eat during a layover and my luggage all made it. I really feel for all of the people who were stranded because of the blizzard in the northeast and I’m grateful that I wasn’t.




Airports are funny places. It’s kind of like real life is suspended while you are there, although a little less so now that we’re all so connected with our smart phones. I can remember travelling with Eric and my parents and everything was an adventure. From the skycap to the soda we were allowed to have on the plane (the whole can!) to the plastic wings and the glimpse inside the cockpit we would get on the way out. We even enjoyed exploring the terminal. Everything was an adventure with Eric.



I remember one time when he was in high school we were going on a family vacation and had just gone through passport control when this cute blond girl called his name. We stopped and chatted and then she moved on with her family and we went to our gate. We asked Eric who she was and he was totally clueless. He thought maybe she was in his math class. Typical Eric, totally oblivious.



Last Spring Katie went on a vacation to London during her spring break and Eric wanted to pick her up at the airport. He drove out there and then wasn’t sure where to go. So he called my parents in Savannah, GA from the Las Vegas airport to find out if there was an international terminal and if so where it might be. Again, typical Eric, call someone else so they can get online instead of parking and asking when you are already at the airport. I’m sure it made sense to him at the time. And I’m pretty sure he found Katie.



So although I didn’t do much with my day besides come home, at least the trip triggered some fond memories.

#246 Eric on my mind

Eric has been much on mind these last few days and I’m not sure why. I’ve been in Iowa which is not a place I have any memories of him being. I don’t think we were ever here at the same time.




Maybe it’s because I’m on vacation and therefore have more free time to think about him. Of course I have more time to think about everything…the children who are already here, the one who is coming, the financial ramifications of an unpaid maternity leave…so much for a stress free vacation.



Maybe it’s because the anniversary just passed and I still can’t believe I’ve lived a whole year without him.



Maybe it’s because his birthday is in a few days and that is also the anniversary of the day we scattered his ashes in my parents’ backyard.



Whatever it is, Eric is on my mind and I’m not in a very good place. Hopefully the second part will change soon.

#245 Pillow Pets

We were at the mall today to return all the clothes that didn’t fit and hopefully find some that do. I have to say, shopping while pregnant is probably my favorite way to shop, my figure is only temporary and I don’t really care what size I wear. My husband, brother-in-law and father-in-law had the kids at the play area while my mother-in-law and I did the returning and shopping. As we were about ready to go and reunited my boys asked if they could get Pillow Pets and very uncharacteristically I actually considered it and said yes and we came home with a lady bug and a moose and two really happy boys.




It’s not that I don’t want my boys to be happy or that I have anything against Pillow Pets, its just that they just had an amazing Christmas and got more new stuff than they have had time to play with yet…although they have made a VERY good effort. They don’t need anything and it’s not like me to give in to their begging and make an impulse buy like that.



As I was thinking about it in the car on the way home I decided that, in my mind at least, those could be their gifts from Eric. They’re not loud or huge, but the boys do love them. They’re probably not what Eric would have chosen, but if he could see the look on their faces when they play with them, he’d be ok with it. Too bad he can’t.

#244 Cold Weather and Hot Chocolate

It’s been a lazy day today. The boys have gone sledding but other than that we’ve been watching movies and football and drinking lots of hot chocolate. I know Eric would approve of the movies and the hot chocolate, he wasn’t into football though.




I can remember going sledding with Eric as a child. There was a sledding hill in our town that, at least in my memory, seems incredibly steep. We had an old fashioned sled on runners and it never seemed to steer the way we wanted it to. I mostly just remember how cold we would get and how nice it was to get home and inside and warm up with hot chocolate.



More than sledding, I remember going cross-country skiing on a local public golf course. It seems like we did this on every snow day, and it was always fun although for me the best part was still coming home, getting warm and having the hot chocolate.



I’ve already mentioned how much Eric loved hot chocolate and that he didn’t need to be cold to drink it, but for me, this is the perfect weather for it. I wish he were here to drink some with me.

#243 Christmas

Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate and happy Saturday to those of you who don’t. Eric would be happy to know that my husband’s family has filled his role of providing large and noisy toys for my kids. Both of them made out like bandits with gifts including (but not limited to) pop guns, a music making balance board, a game that squirts water if you touch the wrong place and an arcade basketball hoop that looks like it might take up my whole back yard.




I am again having trouble maintaining a celebratory mood. Certainly not because of a lack of gifts, I got two pairs of earrings one with a matching necklace, a beautiful blown glass vase and some clothes, just to name a few. It’s just that I keep thinking about how Eric might have chosen to celebrate this day.



If his plans had not been interrupted he and Katie would be married and celebrating Christmas together. I’m sure it would be a deeply significant day for both of them. I know they would have honored the religious traditions of the day and also celebrated their relationship with gifts to each other. Last year Eric designed a dress for her, what would he have come up with this year? He surely would have found a way to top that.



I know I’m not the only one missing him today, and I know we’ll all get through it, I just wish we didn’t have to.

#242 The mind of a 4 year old

My husband and I got up at the incredibly early time of 3:30 this morning and made it to Des Moines before lunchtime so now we are back together with our kids and ready for our Iowa Christmas.




I just took my 4 year old up for a nap and he asked me if I missed him when I was still at home. I said of course I did. Then he asked me if I wanted him to die. I made him repeat himself because I wasn’t sure what he had said, but sure enough that’s what he asked me. I said of course not, I didn’t want him to die, I wanted him to live and grow and be happy and healthy. Then he asked me when Uncle Eric died and told me that he missed Uncle Eric. Then he turned on the CD of Christmas Carols and happily jumped into bed.



4 year olds are unpredictable. Sometimes they say the most random things. For example, we took the boys to see the musical “Annie” in October and just 2 weeks ago he asked me why she sang that she loved tomorrow. I know things are just swirling around in his head and he’s trying to make sense of everything. Sometimes he can verbalize what he’s thinking about and sometimes he can’t and sometimes he doesn’t want to.



I don’t know where his thoughts about death came from this afternoon. I don’t even know if he truly understands death, though I doubt it. I am glad, though, that he still thinks about Uncle Eric.

#241 Procrastination

Procrastination.




Maybe later I’ll have a better idea.



Maybe if I check facebook something will come to me.



Maybe I should check it again.



I’ll go read the New York Times, maybe something there will resonate.



Time to go clean out the boys’ closet….um well….time to go get my nails done, yeah that sounds better.



Ok, now I’ll try to write something.



The dryer’s beeping; better go put the clothes away.



I think I need to check facebook again.



4:00 and still no blog.



Procrastination.

#240 Too Many Toys

If you read yesterday’s blog post then you have two of the three relevant facts you need for today’s. One, my kids are in Iowa with their grandparents and my husband and I are still at home. Two, we celebrate Chanukah and Christmas and so together with birthdays and random other occasions we have more toys than most preschools. The third fact you need to know for today is that I am not in the office. Technically I’m working, I’m on call for the practice and the hospital, but I don’t have office hours, so I’m at home.




So, obviously, the first thing I did this morning was sleep in. And that was glorious. I can’t remember the last time I slept until 9:00 with no interruptions by little people.



Then I decided this would be the perfect day to weed through the boys’ toys in anticipation of all the new ones we’ll be bringing home next week. I hate this job in general and that’s probably why there are so many toys, books, clothes, etc that still need to be gone through.



I got a lot done, but faced a dilemma I haven’t had in the past. What do I do with the toys Eric gave them? Some of them, like the light sabers, are clearly still treasured items and I wouldn’t have planned to donate them anyway. But what about the stack of cardboard bricks the boys absolutely never play with and haven’t in years? How about the alien rocket ship set that never even got fully put together to begin with? Ugh. How can I get rid of stuff from him when the boys will never get anything else from him? I was not anticipating this to be an emotional task, but it was.



In the end, I compromised. The alien rocket ship thing that had large parts scattered throughout multiple toy bins had to go. It was taking up too much storage space and wasn’t even functional. The bricks, however, stayed. They are stacked neatly out of the way against the wall and who knows, maybe the boys will develop an interest in building, or maybe someday the new little one will.



Those bricks were also Eric’s favorite toys as a child (second possibly only to Lego’s) so the emotional connection for me was much greater with those than with the alien thing. I’ll probably still have those when the boys are all out of the house. Oh well, maybe someday they’ll have kids who want them.

#239 Happy Chrismukah

My mother-in-law flew in from Iowa yesterday and this afternoon is going to fly back with my boys. My husband and I will join them there on Friday for our annual Christmas celebration. For those of you who are confused, I was raised Jewish, my kids are being raised Jewish, but my husband is Lutheran. So every year we get to go and enjoy the tree, the stockings, the baked goods (oh the baked goods!) the gifts and the snow of an Iowa Christmas. It is truly wonderful.




I remember as children Eric and I were always jealous of our friends who had Christmas trees and Christmas presents. It always seemed like they got a lot more presents than we did, but I think really they just got more on one day, whereas ours were spread out. Still I was always jealous of the carols and the decorations everywhere you looked. I’m still very conscious that this is not my tradition, but I am happy that I get to share it with my husband and his family.



I sometimes worry about my kids growing up confused about where they fit in since we do honor both traditions (they get Easter stuff too), but that is why we started the oldest in religious school at kindergarten and the youngest goes to a Jewish preschool. Hopefully, in time, they’ll be able to reconcile the differences and have a strong Jewish identity.



Somehow, being raised in the same house by the same parents, I developed a Jewish identity (culturally if not terribly observant), but Eric did not. He was always questioning and looking and finally found that Christianity was the answer for him. He probably wouldn’t have approved of celebrating both holidays, although he never said anything. I think he needed something with rules and structure that made sense to him. Trying to bridge the divide would be too messy, too uncertain.



I’m glad he found something that he was happy with, but I have found that life is messy. There are no clear cut answers, so I’m doing the best with what I have. And if that means celebrating both Chanukah and Christmas, so be it.

#238 Wonderful Things

Wonderful things that have happened or I have seen so far this morning.




My children’s joy at finding Fred, our elf on the shelf.



My husband, unasked, scraping the ice off of my windshield.



My four year old singing, mostly on pitch, in the car.



My four year old and his friend running, laughing, into school.



A family of deer standing atop a hill along my morning commute.



A school bus driver in a red coat and Santa hat.



My morning Starbucks.



I have to see and record these things since Eric can’t. There are so many things that he is missing, but I am going to make sure I don’t miss them. I will file them away for him. I will observe for both of us.

#237 Hospital Music

Hospitals are strange places. There are so many different people, each with different reasons for being there. Lives begin and end there. Traumatic things happen there. Mundane things happen there. To the people who work there, it’s just another building. To those who are admitted it can be a safe place, a scary place or both at the same time. To those who are visiting it can be intimidating and confusing.




I have been in many hospitals, in different roles. I work in them as a physician, I have been a patient during the births of my sons, and I have visited loved ones there. I have been at times, bored, scared, annoyed, perplexed and angered by hospitals. Each one has its own culture and its own way of doing things that varies slightly even from one just across the street.



I am on call this weekend and have, so far, been to the hospital three times to do consults on inpatients. Three times today I have heard Brahms lullaby playing over the hospital-wide intercom. This plays every time a baby is born there. I used to think it was a wonderful custom, now I’m not so sure. None of the floors I was on was anywhere near the maternity ward, and two of the patients I saw were battling illnesses that will likely kill them. Is it a comfort or a painful reminder of mortality to have to listen to the lullaby day and night anytime a baby is born?



I think if the hospital where Eric was had done this I would have hated it. I wouldn’t have wanted to think about a family joyous in the face of new life while watching my normally vibrant brother lie way too still. Maybe I’m a bitter person, but I think it is better to let us all mind our own business. Leave me alone in my grief and I won’t disturb your happiness. It’s not that I wouldn’t theoretically be happy for that family, just that I don’t need it rubbed in my face. And I think that’s how it would have felt.



I don’t think the parents of the newborns would feel slighted if the entire hospital wasn’t alerted to the presence of a new life. In fact, I doubt they even notice it, they’re probably too overcome with their own joy and amazement—and they should be. Certainly the newborns aren’t taking notice.



Nobody would even think to play music with every death. I think we should do away with the music for birth as well.

#236 Role Reversal

My 7 year old is trying to protect me and it’s breaking my heart.




Last night at dinner he mentioned that he had gotten upset about Uncle Eric at school. He prefaced the whole conversation by asking me if I remembered Uncle Eric and that just tore me up inside. I’m pretty sure I didn’t show it on my face though.



A friend of his had just lost a grandparent and was talking about it and that reminded him of Eric. He told me that initially he got sad, but then he remembered playing with Eric and sticking his feet in Eric’s face and that made him laugh. He told me he started writing a story about playing with Eric and he was already on the third page and had so much more to write about. I told him I was glad that he was remembering Eric and that although it is ok to be sad, and we are always going to be sad, I was really happy that he could remember the good times he had with Eric. I told him I can’t wait to read his story, and I can’t.



Later that night I was telling all of this to my husband and it turns out there is more to the story. It turns out my son was REALLY upset at school. So much so that it warranted a call home. Only my son told his teacher not to call me because he didn’t want to upset me. So they called my husband. My husband talked him through it and helped him get to a place where he found his happy memories. Then he wasn’t sure if he should tell me or not so he didn’t.



I love that my 7 year old son is so sweet and sensitive and didn’t want to upset me. I hate that he felt he couldn’t come to me with his pain. I hate that there is something in this world from which he thinks he needs to protect me. He is too young for that.



I haven’t had a chance to talk to him about it yet, but I will. I want him to know that he can talk to me about anything at anytime and he doesn’t have to worry about how it will make me feel. It’s ok to be sad; it’s unavoidable. But it is so good to remember, and it makes me feel good that he remembers.



My little boy is growing up and it’s breaking my heart.

#235 Sleep...or the lack thereof...

As I get closer and closer to having this baby (about 10 weeks to go) I am already dreading the loss of sleep to come. I don’t do well on less than average sleep and I absolutely hate being woken up in the middle of the night. (yeah, I don’t do well with call either…). I have been lucky that both of my children slept through the night relatively early and have pretty much continued to do so. I have friends who are not nearly so lucky.




After a 3:00 am wake up call from my 4 yr old last night (wet pajamas) I had trouble falling back to sleep and starting wondering if this new child will sleep as well as the ones I already have. Did I totally screw up my sleep schedule forever or will it be a temporary blip?



It made me remember my mother’s stories about Eric as a baby. Most of his baby stories involve him crying. In his defense he had a lot of ear infections and they are painful, but he does not sound like an easy baby to care for.



I am a big fan of letting my kids cry it out. For both of them when we got the ok from the pediatrician to let them skip that middle of the night feeding, it took 3 nights of crying it out for them to get it. The first night is horrible, the second night is a little better and the third night is pretty normal. The same 3 night schedule worked really well when it was time for my little one to stop sleeping with a pacifier. (the older one never took one to begin with)



This did not work with Eric. My mother talks about the time my father went on a business trip so she decided to let Eric cry it out and see if she could get him sleeping through the night. Four hours later he was still going strong and she just couldn’t take it anymore.



She and my dad used to take turns getting out of bed when he would cry. They kept track of how many turns they took and the record was nine. Each.



Oh boy. Here’s hoping this little man takes after his brothers and not his uncle in this oh so important way.

#234 Brotherly love

My book club just read “Ghosty Men” by Franz Lidz, the true story of the Collyer brothers, notorious New York hoarders. Homer and Langley Collyer lived in a Harlem mansion, purchased when that was a fashionable area of the city, and became hoarding hermits whom their neighbors called The Ghosty Men. Homer lost his eyesight and was “paralyzed with rheumatism” and stopped leaving the house altogether. Langley would only leave the house late at night and would walk all over the city picking up trash and left over food. Despite having plenty of money, he begged for left over bread and meat in stores all over the city. Their house was full of literally tons of junk (over 100 tons removed after their deaths) including multiple pianos, cars, chandeliers and stacks and stacks of newspapers. (so Homer could catch up on the news when his eyesight returned)




Langley took care of his brother, including supplying him with the 100 oranges a week they thought would restore Homer’s sight, until he died, crushed under a junk booby-trap of his own making. Once Langley died, Homer slowly starved to death. The brothers had no phone, no electricity, no heat, just each other. Now that’s dedication.



I loved Eric, I think we were pretty close, but I’m not sure I could match that kind of sibling care. I think I would actually take Eric to a doctor instead of inventing my own dubious cures and I hope I would get him help if he developed a compulsive hoarding disorder.



Neither brother ever married, their whole lives were wrapped up in each other. I think my relationship with Eric was healthier, even if no one will write a book about us and crowds of New Yorkers will not gather outside our residences to gawk. I think that’s a good thing.

#233 Enough

Are you Ericed out? I know last week was a big week for all of us. In a couple of weeks we’ll have his birthday and that will be another big week. Are you emotionally exhausted by it all? I know I am.




I also know my blog had its best readership ever last week and the numbers have since fallen dramatically. I understand the need to get some space. I don’t want to be that annoying voice that pesters you over and over again; but still I’m going to be here.



Come back when you want and comment when you can. There should be no guilt for not visiting, but please don’t stay away too long. The act of writing the blog has been very healing for me, but knowing that you are reading makes it even better.



Take some time off, enjoy your holidays, hug your loved ones and, when you are ready, come check back in with me.

#232 He's everywhere

I had a really odd dream last night. I was in the car with my mom, she was driving and I was riding shotgun. We were on a highway somewhere when a silver pick up truck came driving up next to us. The front of the pickup had a sign on the top, a really large sign, which was also silver with red lettering. It had the University of Oklahoma logo and some text that I can’t exactly remember now. I think it represented some sort of challenge to Sooner fans, and it was funny, and it was signed by Eric. I remember thinking it must have been a vehicle that Eric had owned and then sold and the new owner just never changed the sign. I tried to get my mom to pull up next to it so I could take a picture, but we were always just behind or just in front and I never could get a good one.




Weird in so many ways. Eric never owned a pick up truck. (that I know of anyway) Eric loved Oklahoma, but I wouldn’t call him an OU fan or someone who would bait OU fans. He just wasn’t into sports.



I spent most of the rest of the night trying to remember exactly what the sign said and trying to figure out what the dream meant. Obviously I failed to remember what the wording was. I’m not sure what the dream meant, I’ve never really been into dream interpretation, but I think it means that for me, Eric is everywhere.



When I was little I can remember being told that God is everywhere, in everything. I can remember looking at a vase in the formal living room, a room where I was not allowed to play, and wondering if God was in that vase. I’m not trying to compare Eric to God except in this one small way, everything I see and do is infused with an awareness of Eric.



He would love that. We used to joke that if his head got any bigger it wouldn’t fit through the door, so he would be amused that I now live in a world interpreted by my experiences with him. He’s clearly not my sole influence and not the largest or the one I heed the most—but he is there. Always and everywhere.

#231 Vacation planning

I could really use Eric’s advice. I am trying to plan a summer trip for four families (including mine) to the Outer Banks. I have never been there, nor do I know much about the different areas. Eric would be really good at this. He would be able to, seemingly effortlessly:




1. Figure out the most desirable locations



2. Find a house large enough to sleep all of us but small enough to be affordable--on the beach



3. Find said house willing to rent for only the long weekend we want and not the entire week



4. Plan an itinerary of entertaining, interesting things to do for the adults and kids aged 8 to 6 months that will be there



5. Prepare a list of restaurants from basic to gourmet



6. Quite possibly enjoy the whole process



Eric, where are you when I need you??

#230 Inspirationless

I have been waiting all day for inspiration to strike. Some days I wake up and know what I’m going to write about. Some days it comes to me later. Some days I’m really lucky and I already have a blog written and ready to go.




Then there are days like today.



I’ve been really busy today. The boys and I had our usual Sunday morning outing to Starbucks before we dropped the older one at religious school. Then this afternoon I helped host a neighborhood holiday party. We just got home and I realized I still hadn’t come up with an idea for a post.



And that’s ok.



I have been thinking about it on and off all day. I’ve been looking for parallels with my childhood that I can share with you, but I just haven’t been able to come up with any. I’ve still been thinking about Eric and thinking about this blog and for today, that’s just going to have to be good enough.

#229 Hungry. Breast. Hungry.

Today my oldest baby turns 7. He was conceived in Philadelphia after numerous tries and some help from fertility specialists. He was born in Oklahoma about 6 months into my first year of residency. He captured my heart from the minute I knew he existed. I think he captured his uncle’s heart at about the same time.




Eric was in Oklahoma for my son’s birth and I have already posted some of the pictures he took here.



Here is the transcript of a letter Eric wrote to him before he was even a year old. You won’t get the full effect as the letter is written on a card shaped like a half moon with teeny tiny, almost intelligible letters curving around to fit the space, but you wouldn’t be able to read it if I just took a picture so I’ll type it out for you.



“Dear (child’s name here),

Well here it is boy, your very first business trip look. I can just imagine what was going through your mind when you heard that Uncle Eric was going to Finland: Hungry. Breast. Breast, breast, hungry, hungry. Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, breast, breast, breast! Breast. Hungury. Breast, hungry, breast, hungry; hungry hungry breast hungry hungry hungry. Breast! Breast! Hungry, Hungry, hungry, hungry! (Do you know something, the more you write a word, the more absurd it seems.) At any rate, this is why I feel pretty confident that you wouldn’t be disappointed by the fact that I got you clothes. I know, clothes. But let’s face it, if your Uncle Eric doesn’t dress you, Mommy is likely to, and that can’t be good. Besides, if you look real close, there is a toy! I even sucked on it to make sure it tastes good. I have to go now, because if I don’t pretend to work, they stop paying me, and then no clothes (with toys) for anyone!



Love,



Eric”



As best as I can I have preserved Eric’s misspellings and punctuation.



I can remember getting this card and crying with laughter. I can remember trying to read it over the phone to my mom and gasping with breath I was laughing so hard. I also remember the outfit. I wouldn’t exactly call it business attire, or really any type of attire. It consisted of blue and white printed pants and a white shirt that never really ever fit. It was also so ugly that I never would have dressed him in it anyway. It just led to more laughter.



Oh Eric, we miss you so much.

#228 525,600 minutes

Five hundred twenty-five thousand


Six hundred minutes,

Five hundred twenty-five thousand

Moments so dear.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand

Six hundred minutes

How do you measure, measure a year?



In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights

In cups of coffee

In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.



In five hundred twenty-five thousand

Six hundred minutes

How do you measure

A year in the life?



How about love?

How about love?

How about love? Measure in love



Seasons of love. Seasons of love



Above are the lyrics to “Seasons of Love” from the musical Rent. I learned this song last spring for a voice recital given by my voice teacher. I like the song, but I never really thought all that much about it.



Last night I was watching television and a commercial for a jewelry store came on featuring this song. I guess because it was just a day after the anniversary, it really hit me. How do you measure a year? What would Eric have done with the last year? What have I done with it? How could I have better used it? What will I do with the next one?



Some of the answers to those questions are obvious, some are not. Some are unanswerable. I like the idea of measuring with love though. I’m going to try and do that.

#227 Thankful

Thank you.




I have found the thankfulness I was missing at Thanksgiving. Yesterday was a really rough day, although I have to say, the anticipation was worse. I didn’t know how I was going to feel or what it was going to be like. It was just another day and yet there was so much significance there. Thanks to you, it was more uplifting than I thought it would be.



I am thankful for my husband who let me have a day off from life. I helped get the boys up for school and then retreated to the bedroom until they left. I didn’t leave the house or really do anything productive, but it was still time well spent. By the boys’ bedtime I was ready to face the world again. Thank you for that gift.



I am thankful to my sons who noticed the Yahrzeit (memorial) candle I had burning for Eric and remembered him also, but didn’t let it dampen their spirits. I needed them to be themselves to pull me out of myself, and they were wonderful. Another gift.



I am thankful to all of the friends and family who contacted me through the blog, email, facebook and phone calls. Your comments were beautiful and poignant and though some made me cry, they were just what I needed. Many, many gifts.



I am thankful that Eric had so many wonderful friends and experiences. It means more people are hurting now, but it helps to know how full his short life was.



The anniversary fell on the last night of Chanukah this year and I got so many wonderful gifts I wasn’t expecting.



Thank you.

#226 Anniversary

I miss you.  I remember you formally, here, everyday.  I remember you informally too many times a day to count.  You are in everything I say and do.  You are my brother and you are a part of me. 

Please support me, my family and everyone else who knew and loved Eric with your comments today. 

Thank you.

#225 Annoying little brother

Lately my oldest son has started introducing my younger son as his “annoying little brother”. He’ll make this introduction to complete strangers including wait staff at restaurants, check out people at the grocery store and random people on the sidewalk. His friends are starting to refer to my little one as the “annoying little brother”. I might have to have a talk with my older son…..




Eric was my annoying little brother. As annoying as he was (and oh was he!) we still had so many great times together. I watch my children play together and know that although the older one seems fixated only on the annoyances; they do get along well and have a lot of fun. They can be sweet to each other and genuinely care about the other one. They too will have so many wonderful memories of growing up together.



I think it’s impossible to have a sibling and not find them annoying from time to time. I’m just glad that’s not all there is even if they can’t see it. They will someday. And either we’ll just start calling the little one ALB, or we’ll watch them unite in annoyance against the new little brother who’ll be making an appearance in February.



Please remember to come back tomorrow and share your memories of Eric or other stories on this very painful anniversary. I’m going to need your help getting through the day.

#224 You're invited

Today I am issuing an invitation to you. Wednesday is the first anniversary of Eric’s death. I would love it if you would comment on the blog that day and tell us all about your interactions with Eric. I’d love to hear your Eric stories, your memories and words for him. My family and I will all be thinking about him and it would be so nice for us to know that you are too. If you didn’t know Eric, please feel free to comment on why you read this blog, a loss of your own, or anything else that moves you.




To tie up some loose ends from yesterday, I didn’t receive any terrible phone calls and a quick check of facebook assures me that all of Eric’s friends ran well and are doing fine.



My performance also went well although I definitely had a different energy than last year. Hopefully the audience couldn’t tell.



I leave you with this sentiment from the daughter of a friend of mine.

#223 The Sunday before...

Last year on this day I performed in “Honk!”. After the show I stayed to help strike the set. It was a while before I checked my cell phone and when I did I found an urgent message from my husband telling me to call and come home. I have already written about that day here.




Today I am performing in “Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat” and afterwards I plan on staying to strike the show. I will check my cell phone earlier though.



Several of Eric’s friends are running in half-marathons in his memory today. It scares me to death. I understand their motivation and I love that they are remembering him and honoring him, but to have them run is really hard for me.



I really hope I have no scary voice mails after the show. I hope I have no desperate texts or emails either. I hope today contains an amazing performance and is otherwise uneventful.



To those that are running, best of luck. Stay hydrated and don’t push yourselves too hard. I’ll be thinking of you.

#222 Hunka Junka Unka

My husband and I took the boys to IHOP for breakfast this morning. In retrospect, this was a poor decision. Neither of the boys was at the top of the behavior scale. Oh well, you win some, you lose some. It made me think about trips to IHOP when I was a kid though. Of course then, IHOP was cool slang for the name of the restaurant which was actually The International House of Pancakes. I remember when my uncle first taught us to say IHOP, boy did we feel special.




My kids each ordered different “face” pancakes. My youngest got the healthier version, the “Create a Face” which is a pancake with a banana smile, strawberry eyes and a tube of strawberry yogurt you can use to decorate the face. My oldest ordered the “Funny Face” which has whip cream and chocolate chips for the smile and nose and maraschino cherry eyes. This is what Eric and I would always get.



I think the same trip to IHOP when we learned the insider’s way to say it, Eric and I got all hopped up on the sugar and probably behaved even worse than my kids did today. I can just remember chanting over and over, “Hunka Junka Unka (Uncle’s name here)”. I’m sure the other patrons really appreciated it. I’m sure my uncle did too. Actually, he probably started it.



There are a lot of memories out there just waiting to be triggered. So while I’m still not happy with my kids’ behavior, I’m glad this memory was dredged out of the backlog. Too bad my kids never got to call their uncle “Hunka Junka Unka Eric”.

#221 Smile

There is a song by the group Good Old War called My Own Sinking Ship that has absolutely nothing to do with death or dying or grieving. I think it’s about a dysfunctional relationship. There is one line in it that gets me every time. I may not even realize that the song is playing, but my brain always perks up at that one line.




“I can’t remember your last smile.”



I know I wasn’t even there for his last smile, not even close, but this line just speaks to me. I love Eric’s smile. I have so many great pictures of it displayed around my house and even more in my heart.



I hope Katie remembers his last smile. I’m sure he had one as they were talking and joking around in the hospital when we all thought this was going to be nothing more than a big scare.



I would give almost anything to see it live again.

#220 Just another day...

I learned a macabre fact this morning. John Lennon and Eric died on the same day 29 years apart. I decided to see if there were any more similarities in their lives.




Lennon was British, Eric was decidedly not.



Lennon was a famous musician, again, Eric was not.



Lennon suffered a violent, unexpected death, Eric did not.



Lennon lived in the Dakota, Eric and I fantasized about living in the Dakota. Getting a little closer there.



They both wore glasses.



There we go; I have found the fact that ties them together. They both wore glasses. Along with millions of other people. And there are also millions of other people throughout history who have died on December 8th.



I guess there’s no special connection there. It’s just another day of remembering. I’ll be thinking of the Lennons, and all the other unknown families who have lost loved ones on that day, but mostly, I’ll just be thinking of Eric.

#219 Tense

Yesterday I was talking to a patient and a story about Eric just came up. I was already telling it before I decided what tense to use. The patient had amblyopia (one eye that doesn’t see well from childhood due to poor brain development from a variety of reasons) and so did Eric. I was telling her that even as an adult he felt he got some improvement from patching his good eye, even though all of the studies say it makes no difference after about age 7.




I started in past tense. That startled me. Then I started thinking the patient would notice that I was using past tense and might ask me about it. I really didn’t want to go into it. So I switched to present tense. That also made me uncomfortable; kind of like I was lying. So I just ended the story as quickly as I could and moved onto something else.



I don’t have a problem talking about Eric with family or friends or really anyone who already knows what has happened. New friends are tough, in order for me to be able to talk about him I have to go through the whole thing with them and even though it’s painful, it’s worth it.



Acquaintances and patients usually just aren’t worth the story. For the same reason I’m still trying to button my white coat around my ever-expanding pregnant belly; I just don’t want to go into it. It’s not the time to be talking about me, and it generally puts me in a place I don’t want to be.



I guess the anecdotes will pop up where they will and I’ll just decide how (or if) to tell them on a case by case basis. And what tense to use. Once again, it’s the language that trips me up.

#218 Weather

I am feeling like the weather today—grey and dreary. Does anyone else get affected by the weather like this? I remember when I first started at Northwestern and there were signs everywhere telling us to watch out for S.A.D.; Seasonal Affective Disorder. Apparently the grey Chicago weather can cause seasonal depression. I didn’t fall prey to it then, and I don’t really think I’m responding to the weather now, but it makes you think.




I know Eric did not have this problem. How do I know this? Because Eric transcended climate. That’s right. Those are his words. Only Eric would wear footie pajamas in the middle of the summer in New Jersey—and possibly Thailand. Did he have footie pajamas then?



When we commented that he would be too hot, he uttered his famous phrase about transcending climate. He was an individual and a little thing like the weather wasn’t going to cramp his style.



So I’m going to try and transcend my grey mood today, even though I think it is caused more by fatigue and emotional stress than the actual weather. I’m going to put on a happy face and transcend it all.

#217 I have a case of the Mondays

It’s Monday.




I’m catching up from the holiday weekend.



I’m about to start tech week for “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”.



Have I mentioned I’m 27 weeks pregnant?



The big anniversary is coming up in a week and a half.



I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and uninspired at the moment.



Sorry I don’t have more for today.

#216 Castles

In the guest bathroom at my parents’ house hangs a frame with three prints of English castles. I don’t think I have been to any of those particular castles, but it made me remember a visit to a castle with Eric that I had forgotten.




Eric had a summer internship in London and I went to visit him there. I had just started dating my husband and I spent the entire flight over there listening to love songs and re-reading a letter he had written me. I still have that letter. I had no idea how serious we would eventually become, but I was in the throes of new love.



Eric and I had many adventures all over London and the near English countryside, but one of the funniest was a visit we took to a ruin of a castle. I don’t remember which one it was, it was ruined enough to not have a roof, or furniture or real walls separating most of the rooms; but not so ruined that it wasn’t part of the tourist scene. Eric and I splurged on the hand-held tour devices so we would have some idea of what we were looking at. The best way I can put it is; they didn’t help.



Eric and I are reasonably intelligent and educated people. He was a student at Harvard at the time, I had just graduated from Northwestern, and we couldn’t figure this out. I’m not sure I can truly convey the sense of hilarity we felt as the recorded voice told us to turn left and walk straight and we were facing a wall. Or another time when the very stiff upper lip British male voice told us to go right and up the stairs and the only thing there was a hole in the wall with quite a steep drop. I don’t think Eric and I learned anything about that castle, or castles in general, but we laughed until we dropped making fun of the recorded tour and creating our own.



Eric could help you find the fun in anything. I could easily see getting frustrated at a tour that I had paid extra for that was completely useless; but with Eric it was all part of the experience. And it actually made it a better experience.



I really miss that.

#215 Reminders

The hand he made for my mother for mother’s day 2009.  “Eric age 32”.

His bathrobe still hanging in the guest bathroom.

His shampoo in the shower.

A drawer full of his odds and ends.

A mix cd with his handwriting.

The reindeer skin rug my father got as a gift.  We always argued over its name, my mother and I preferring Sven; Eric preferring Bob.

#214 It's over

I’m not going to lie. Yesterday was kind of brutal. We all had our game faces on and talked and ate, but it wasn’t even close to the same. And we all knew it. And we were all thinking it.




My dad made a beautiful toast before dinner that made us cry. We decided to forego our usual tradition of going around the table saying what we were thankful for because, well, it would have just been too hard. I did do it with my kids as I put them to bed though.



I learned that if I stay busy and distracted and annoyed I can avoid feeling emotional and sad. This also tends to alienate my husband and kids, though, so I don’t really think it’s a healthy long-term coping strategy. Sorry guys.



There was a big hole in the middle of our celebration and I think the only things that got us through were our sense of tradition and the antics of my kids. It’s always easier to watch a 4 year old push his almost 7 year old brother on a tire swing than think about what’s missing.



I took one picture yesterday. One. Usually I get a whole album out of the day.



I drank yesterday. Sorry, baby. I thought I needed it emotionally, but really it just ended up making me feel sick and sad.



My husband stepped into Eric’s shoes and made “cocktails” for the boys. They loved it, but they didn’t appreciate how hard it was for him to take on that role that belonged to Eric. I do and I love him even more for it.



The first Thanksgiving without him is over. Somehow we made it through. I’m already dreading next year.

#213 Thanksgiving

I am thankful for the 32 11/12 years I had with Eric.




I am thankful that we had a close relationship.



I am thankful that he knew I loved him.



I am thankful for my amazing family. My precocious children, my understanding and amazingly supportive husband, my resilient and loving parents, my incredible in-laws and extended family.



I am thankful for the baby growing inside of me.



I am thankful for my friends, both near and far.



I am thankful for the ability to blog and express myself.



I am thankful for my readers.



I am having a tough time feeling thankful this year, but all of the above is true. I was hoping that by writing it I would feel it more, but no such luck so far. It’s not even 8:00 on Thanksgiving morning though, so maybe I’ll feel it before day’s end.

#212 The Human Mind

The human mind is an amazing thing. No matter how much we know something is the truth, we still have the capacity for denial.




I should know as well as anyone how quickly and randomly bad things can happen. I am a physician. True, I am an ophthalmologist and don’t come into contact with many life or death issues anymore, but I have worked in ERs and ICUs. I have seen my share of death and heartbroken relatives. And of course there is Eric. Nothing could have been more shocking and unexpected than that.



Still, our minds protect us and tell us we are in this inviolable bubble. For example, I know that being pregnant I need to be careful on long car trips and make sure I get out and stretch my legs every couple of hours to try and avoid a clot forming. Still, my first impulse is to ignore the messages from my bladder and see how far we can get before stopping. Dumb.



There are some things we can alter, such as ignoring that first impulse and making sure the leg muscles get worked. Then there is fate--all of the things that can’t be foreseen and therefore can’t be prevented.



A coworker recently told me the story of a friend of a friend who was involved in a car accident. This woman and her husband had tried for years to become pregnant and were finally successful. She was in her eighth month. They were leaving a party at a friend’s house and someone else was going way too fast around a curve and hit them head on. The baby died immediately. Mom and Dad were injured, but have survived. There is nothing they could have done to avoid that, but I’m sure they have asked themselves repeatedly what would have happened had they left 5 minutes earlier or 5 minutes later.



I guess that is why we live with such capacity for denial. So we aren’t paralyzed into inaction because of all the things we can’t avoid. Still, I have to actively remember that bad things can happen and that I should take all the precautions I can. You’d think, after Eric, it wouldn’t be that hard.

#211 A Moment of Joy

This afternoon we leave for Savannah to start our Thanksgiving holiday. In the spirit of yesterday’s blog, I’m going to try and stay positive. I’m going to try and really embody the spirit of Thanksgiving this week.




So far I am thankful that we are mostly packed (only shoes and toiletries to go) even though I REALLY didn’t feel like packing yesterday.



I am thankful that we are driving and not flying and hopeful that the TSA will refine their groping techniques by the time we need to fly at Christmas.



I am thankful that my older son got up easily and quietly this morning and managed not to wake his still sleeping brother.



I am thankful that my younger son woke up happy and not upset that his brother had already left for school.



It’s early yet, but I did have a wonderful moment of joy today. As my younger son and I were cuddling before I left for work he started talking to his younger brother. He addressed my belly and said, “Hi baby brother, I’m your big brother. Don’t be scared. I love you baby brother.” Then he started addressing the baby as Joseph. Not sure where that came from, but wow was it cute.



I still miss Eric, I’ll always miss Eric, but I’m going to try to not let that overshadow the holiday for me.

#210 Activities of Daily Living

210 blogs. 210 days of writing and posting and hoping you’ll read. What have you done everyday without fail for the last 210 days? I can say I have brushed my teeth and my hair. I have washed my face, but not necessarily showered all of those days. I have gone to sleep and woken up and eaten. I have (hopefully) hugged my kids and husband and told them that I love them. Other than that I’m not sure.




I don’t work everyday. I probably watch some TV everyday. I probably check my email and facebook everyday. I usually talk to my mom on the phone everyday, but we do miss some days here and there.



I think about Eric everyday. More than just during the time it takes me to write a blog and get it posted. I think about him a lot. Some days more than others, lately almost non-stop it seems. It’s all starting to feel unreal again. Impossible. Unbelievable. Unimaginable.



I worry everyday. About my kids, my husband, my parents, myself. About money and jobs and life.



I need to find ways to find joy every day. To make sure I appreciate what I have while I have it. Because it could all be gone in the blink of an eye.



That’s a good thing to think about this Thanksgiving week. Better than perseverating on loss. I’m going to work on that.

#209 Race Season

It seems to be the season for races. I know they go on all year round, but lately I have been hearing more about them. Locally we have the Turkey Trot, the Jingle Jog and the Thunder Road Marathon that comes right by my house all in the next couple of weeks.




I have turned into a spoil sport when it comes to races. I have never been a runner. I don’t enjoy it, but I never really minded that others did. In fact I would cheer on my friends and Eric for going out there and getting it done. Five days after my youngest son was born I was out there cheering on my husband in a 5K.



No more. I have made my husband promise that he will get a full physical before he attempts any running again. He has chosen to pursue other forms of exercise. I am fearful for my friends who run. I am fearful for the strangers I see on the side of the streets jogging.



I know I have written about this before, but I can’t seem to get over it. It no longer seems like a healthy endeavor to me. It is now fraught with unseen peril.



I will not be able to stop the running, but I am going to do my best to ignore it. I wonder how Eric would feel about this. Running was an activity he loved. I have a suspicion he wouldn’t want me to feel this way, but I can’t help it. Running took him away from me. I can’t come to terms with that.

#208 Sleep-overs

My oldest son had his first sleep-over last night. At our house. And it actually went pretty well. He and his friend had been pestering me for weeks about having a sleep-over so I finally overcame my trepidation and set it up. I feel like we have reached a huge milestone. My son is growing up.




My husband picked up the boys from school and they played at our house all afternoon. We attempted to put them to bed around 7:15, our normal bed time, but knew they wouldn’t fall asleep even close to then. The hardest part was keeping my youngest out of the room with the older boys. Normally my two boys share a room and this might have been the first night the little one can remember that they didn’t. All boys were asleep in the proper locations by 10:00 and I thought that was pretty good. I know the older boys told stories and played and goofed off and did everything they were supposed to do at a sleep-over.



This morning they had waffles for breakfast and the other child was just picked up to go home. Both boys were sad at their parting, which tells me our adventure was a success. That and the fact that I got to sleep through the night.



I know I had plenty of sleep-overs as a child and my friends and I delighted in seeing how late we could stay up. I’m not sure what we did with all that time, but it wasn’t a good sleepover unless we could barely keep our eyes open the next day.



Eric, on the other hand, actually slept at his sleep-overs; something I never understood. I mean, what’s the point of having a friend come spend the entire night at your house if you are just going to sleep?? Eric always fell asleep early and I guess he felt no need to change for a sleep-over. I wonder if his guests felt short-changed.



Oh well, one more milestone down for boy number one. Many many more to go for him and the others.

#207 Pre-holiday blues

Usually at this time of year I’m in a frenzy of anticipation. More than Chanukah, more than Christmas or New Years, Thanksgiving is my holiday. It’s not because of the food, in fact, I don’t even like turkey; it’s because of the family. This year, for obvious reasons, I’m at a loss.




By this time Eric and I have usually been conspiring for at least a month on gifts for family members. I can’t wait for the days to fly by until we are finally on our way to Savannah. I have picked out the boys’ outfits and am ready to impress the family with how handsome they will be—at least for the first five minutes until the shirts get untucked and the sweaters and shoes come off.



This year is so different and I’m not really sure how I feel. I have purchased gifts, but not with the same sense of joy. My boys have clothes to wear, but I haven’t picked out the actual outfits yet. I’ve barely planned my own. It’s not that I don’t want to see the rest of my family; it’s just that the lack of Eric is going to be so obvious.



Even my oldest son is noticing it. I was trying to get him excited about the holiday the other day. I asked if he knew where we were going and he said happily “Grandma and Grandpa’s house!” Then I asked if he remembered who else was coming, meaning my extended family from New York. His head dropped, his voice got quiet and he trailed off as he said, “You just reminded me……”



I know we are all going to feel something missing from our holiday this year. Instead of a time to give thanks and reconnect it feels more like something we just have to get through. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised and it will be better than I’m anticipating, but this year instead of eagerly waiting for it to begin, I’m ready for it to be over.

#206 T - 1 week and counting

Thanksgiving is one week from today. Loyal readers will know this is the one time of year that my whole family gathers together, the one time I was guaranteed to see Eric. Until this year.




This year he will not be there to make the boys virgin cocktails that will bubble up out of sippy cups.



This year he will not be there to take my early risers out into the backyard before everyone else is awake.



This year he will not be there to take our family picture.



This year he will not be there for our annual trip to Wal-Mart.



This year he will not be there sipping wine in the hot tub at 3pm.



This year he will not insist that we stay up to watch a movie and then fall asleep on the floor in front of the fireplace as we watch.



This year he will not make a crazy dessert combination like goldfish crackers and melted milky ways bars.



This year he will not be there to whine about the poor extent of my parents’ wireless network.



This year he will not be there to lose to my husband at golf.



This year we will all have a little trouble being thankful, despite the other good things in our lives.



But this year he will be there in all of our hearts and minds.

#205 Star Wars footie pajamas (again)

Every time I think I have exhausted the topic of Star Wars footie pajamas, I find something else to write about them. So although I have already written about them repeatedly, here we go again.




Those of you who have been following the blog will remember that last year for Chanukah Eric gave my sons Star Wars footie pajamas, along with light sabers and a huge pop-up Star Wars room/tent thing.



The boys loved it all, especially the pajamas. The weather is finally getting cold enough to pull out the footie pajamas and of course, they both wanted the Star Wars ones. I don’t know how old is too told for footie pajamas, but my almost 7 year old is still crazy for them and I can still find them in his size so I’m fine with it.



We tried on last year’s pajamas and my little guy’s fit. The older one’s sort of fit. He has worn them for a couple of nights but then decided not to wear them again because the sleeves ended at his mid-forearm and that wasn’t comfortable. It’s a rational decision, it makes a lot of sense, but it’s one my husband and I had a hard time with him making. Of course we aren’t going to make him wear pajamas that don’t fit right, but still it makes us sad. We’re not ready for him to be too big for a gift from Eric. We were hoping that he would get one more winter out of them.



Even though the pajamas may have been discarded, the other toys have not. He will have his first sleep over at our house this Friday night and he has already asked if he and his friend can sleep in the Star Wars tent. Yes, of course you can.

#204 Facebook Friends

Every once in a while I visit Eric’s facebook page. I look to see if anyone has left him a message or just to browse through his photos. Today I found something else there. There was a link I could click on to “View you and Eric”. So I clicked it. Up came a page with a picture of the two of us (and other family members) from Thanksgiving of last year. There was a list of the 15 facebook friends we have in common and copies of conversations we had had through facebook.




There was also the understatement of the year.



“You and Eric. Facebook friends since October 2007”



Um, I guess technically that’s true, but it so understates our relationship. I mean facebook wasn’t around when we first met and even if it had been, even if the internet had been, even if home computers had been, I’m sure my parents wouldn’t have been savvy enough to use it. Or maybe they would not have wanted us on facebook since birth, after all I’m a parent in the age of facebook and neither of my children have pages and hopefully won’t for a good long while yet. Although their pictures are featured on my and my husband’s pages.



If you look at the sparse information on the “You and Eric” page, you’d think we weren’t really that close, we didn’t really know each other that well.



It just goes to show you, you can’t trust everything you see online.

#203 Chanukah approaches

Chanukah is coming up very quickly this year. It starts on December 1st, which is really early. In my family we customarily give one gift each night for a total of eight gifts. So my husband and I are scrambling to come up with gifts for the boys. I think we may have finally gotten it figured out, but it’s been making me think of Chanukahs past.




There is, of course, the infamous Chanukah when I got Eric the purple yarmulke. I wrote about that here. There was also the year my parents had the audacity to get me a book. It was a book I ultimately loved, but I did not feel that a book was an appropriate Chanukah gift and threw a fit. Sorry Mom and Dad. I’m feeling better and better all the time about this baby not being a girl…..



Eric and I used to love it when my parents would get us each a box of sugar cereal, something usually never found in our house.



My parents would place our gifts, each in our own distinct Chanukah paper, on the radiator in the dining room and Eric and I would go in and stare at them. The anticipation was amazing. Every night when my dad got home from work we would light the menorah and then choose which present to open. Such a choice! Did we choose the biggest or save that for last? Did we choose the ones which looked similar in case we got the same thing? Oh how we savored that choice.



I remember one year Eric and I went looking for our gifts before they were wrapped. And we found them. And it wasn’t nearly the same. It was the last time we ever did that.



Our Chanukahs lately have been fragmented by travel and other issues. I’m happy that it’s early this year so we will be at home for the whole thing and my kids can have some of the excitement and magic that Eric and I did. Even if it does mean I have to prepare before Thanksgiving.



We also celebrate Christmas with my in-laws every year and it’s easy for that to overshadow our much more subtle celebration of Chanukah. Hopefully this year, when they are completely separate, my boys will relish their holiday as much as their dad’s.

#202 Piano recital

My oldest son had his piano recital yesterday. He has been taking piano lessons since he was 4 ½ years old in a Suzuki music program. I decided to put him in the lessons for several reasons. I want him to be a well rounded person and think he should have some art or music in his life to balance out the sports. I also just want to expose him to lots of things so he can figure out what he likes. Not insignificant in my decision making was a comment Eric made to me once.




Eric went to Harvard undergrad and once commented to me that he thought the students in his year who had Suzuki music training seemed better able to cope in certain situations. He thought their problem solving skills were better and that they approached things in a different, better way than he did. So when the opportunity arose, I took it.



My son has done well. He really enjoys it, and though we probably don’t practice as much as we should, he can play really well when he applies himself. Today’s recital contained some mistakes, but he rallied and kept going and finished strong. It’s always easier to play the piece when you are not on stage.



Unfortunately I think I ruined the video of the recital by threatening to kill my younger son. He had been very poorly behaved the whole time. He was talking and changing seats and generally being disruptive. We don’t make him stay in the auditorium for the whole recital, but my son was playing 5th and we thought he should be able to make it that long. That way both parents get to see the performance and then Daddy takes the little guy out until everyone else is done. My little guy has already proven himself capable of sitting through theatrical performances without a problem, so I don’t think our expectations were unrealistic.



As my older son got up to play and I had the camera out recording it, my younger son kept putting his program in front of my face so I couldn’t see anything. I was furious. Immediately after my older son was done performing my husband took the little guy out for a LONG time-out. He also didn’t get to go out for ice cream with us afterwards.



Our music lessons are through a local university and so the recitals aren’t just piano students. Today we also had flautists and one vocalist. As I was finally calming down from my anger with the little guy, it was the singer’s turn to perform. One of the songs she sang was “Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again” from Phantom of the Opera. It’s a song I know and like and I was enjoying her rendition when my older son leaned over and said, “Mom, doesn’t this make you think of Uncle Eric?” And, yes, yes it did. And I almost cried right there, but instead held my son’s hand and was thankful that Eric is as present in his mind as he is in mine.



Eric was there with us today in many ways. He was there as part of the inspiration for the lessons in the first place, he was there (I’m sure) in my younger son’s behavior, and he was there, as always, in our memories.

#201 Love lives on

I overheard an interesting conversation in the nail salon yesterday. Two women were talking about the death of one of their fathers. The woman whose father had died looked about my age, maybe a little older. From their conversation it was apparent that her father had been very ill before he died.




The week before he died was his 50th wedding anniversary. Another of his children is a minister and they arranged for a bedside ceremony rededicating their wedding vows. There was apparently a lot of family and friends in attendance and it sounded wonderful. The father had arranged for a jeweler to come to the house so he could pick out a gift for his wife. He really liked 2 necklaces and couldn’t decide which one to get. He ended up getting both, but only giving one to his wife for the anniversary. The other one he gave to his children to save as one final Christmas present for his wife. It has a heart on it.



This year the children have decided to take their mother to Hawaii for Christmas to try and avoid painful memories, and they are trying to decide when to give her the necklace. I guess dad was a notorious late Christmas shopper and he wrote her a note to go with the gift that he finally did his shopping early.



This is a heart-breakingly sweet story. He clearly had so much love for his wife and family, and they for him.



I don’t know how I would feel if I were the recipient of that one last gift though. On the one hand it would be incredible. On the other hand it’s a reminder of pain and loss and something that will bring it all forward again.



I tried to imagine how I would feel if I suddenly got a letter or a gift from Eric, but I can’t. And of course the circumstances are completely different.



I hope her family finds a way to give this to her with love and support and I hope it is a wonderful reminder of her love, not a re-opening of a wound that is just starting to heal.

#200 Last words

I don’t know what Eric’s last words were. I don’t even know what his last words to me were.




I’ve always thought that last words as portrayed in books, movies and television are dramatized and overdone. It’s not like Eric knew those words were going to be his last, so it’s not like he would have attached any significance to them. Still, I’m curious what they were.



I know we didn’t end our last phone call with an “I love you”. We did that most of the time, but not always, and still I regret not doing it then. How could I know it would be the last chance I would have to tell him?



The two last comments that I will always remember (truly last they were not, but close) were one that he said to me and one that he said to my mother.



To me, he paraphrased Fiddler on the Roof and sang to me “Chaveleh, Chaveleh, how could you let me run the half-marathon little Chaveleh”. To my parents who were hosting a previously scheduled catered dinner party, he said something like, “So you are eating and drinking while Rome is burning here.” Both are such typical Eric comments.



Remember at this point we all thought he was going to be ok. None of us knew what was coming.



I like to remember him being funny and brave. It’s too painful to think about him being any other way. I believe he had no idea what happened, that it all happened while he was asleep and unaware. I can’t bear for it to be any other way.

#199 Night of Beauty

Tonight my practice is hosting a “Night of Beauty”. We will be having demonstrations and discounts on different products like BOTOX, facial fillers, Obagi skin care and Latisse among others. There will also be music and food and I think it will be a good night. I’m looking forward to it and hope that we have good attendance.




I was looking forward to this event last year too, only I didn’t end up going. The event was a little later in the year last year and was the night in between Eric’s race and when we finally decided to let him go. I was in Las Vegas at his bedside.



I’m not ready for the anniversaries to start. Granted, this event was moved so it’s not really an anniversary, but it’s a reminder. I can’t believe how much time has passed. I can’t believe how much has happened that he doesn’t know about.



Time is the one constant in life. No matter how much we want it to stop rolling forward it never does. No matter how much it seems to make sense that it would all just stop, it doesn’t. And it drags us forward with it.



So while I’m looking forward to tonight and hoping that it goes well, a little part of me is held back in sadness.



It just goes to show that I can connect Eric to anything. I can even connect my make-up and jewelry averse brother, the lover of the “natural” woman, to a night dedicated to making ourselves even more beautiful through artificial means. I’m sure he would love that.

#198 Grammar

A few blogs ago I wrestled with my soul and decided to sell out the blog to get some free holiday cards from Shutterfly. I actually had to do it twice, here and here, because I got too anxious and didn’t wait for the instructions the first time.




The second blog apparently met the qualifications for earning the cards because this is the title of the email I got from Shutterfly.



“Shutterfly: Here's your 50 Free Holiday Cards!”



Does anyone else have a problem with this? Does anyone else have such a problem with this that they no longer want the free cards?



I’m embarrassed for them that nobody caught this grammatical error before sending it out to probably every blogger who has so far responded to their promotion.



My mother taught 2nd and 3rd grade before she had kids and is a huge stickler for grammar. She passed that along to me and it’s a passion that my husband also shares. (Don’t get him started on unnecessary apostrophes…)



Eric never cared. It didn’t bother him if words were spelled right or if sentences were grammatically correct. He was a lot more at home in this world of text messaged abbreviations than I am. I can’t bring myself to text “R U there?” I have to spell it all out. I don’t know why. I understand that the end result is still communication, but I don’t want to contribute to the decline of civilization.



I’ll probably still go for the free cards, after all free is free. But I won’t do it with the same carefree heart that Eric would be able to do it with. That error really bothers me.

#197 Office Space

What keeps you going? What keeps you getting up day after day? Is it love of work? Is it a need to pay the bills? What keeps you from having an Office Space moment?




If you’ve never seen Office Space it’s a hysterical movie about a fictional employee of a fictional technology company who just decides not to do it anymore. He decides he’s just not going to go to work anymore or pay his bills anymore or really do anything he doesn’t feel like doing anymore. And of course, because it’s a movie, he ends up with a promotion and the girl.



Some days I find it really hard to keep going. I mean why should I go spend 8 hours at work when it could all be over tomorrow? But then again if it’s not over tomorrow I still have bills to pay and kids to feed so I’d better get moving.



What if it ends next week and I wasted all of this time doing stuff I don’t really want to do and I never get to the stuff I really want to do? I try to integrate the stuff I want to do with the stuff I don’t want to do, I mean I socialize and play with my kids and hang out with my husband and go to book club and voice lessons and am even doing a show, but then I’m exhausted and I want even less to do the things I don’t love. It’s a vicious cycle.



I’m just tired. I’m sure being pregnant isn’t helping with that. I think I need a vacation.

#196 Irony

I am currently in rehearsals for a community theatre production of “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”. Theatre has always been a love of mine, musical theatre in particular and last year at this time I participated in my first show since college. It was a production of “Honk!” through the same theatre, and was so much fun I just had to do it again.




I play the wife of one of Joseph’s brothers and sing a duet in the number “One More Angel in Heaven”. For those of you who don’t know the show, it’s a retelling of the bible story of Joseph. Joseph is one of 12 brothers and his father’s favorite. Both he and his father are somewhat obnoxious about his favored status in the family and the other brothers come to really hate him. They plan to kill him, but at the last minute sell him into slavery for the cash and tell his Dad that he died saving them all from a wild goat. Joseph does well as a slave until his master’s wife seduces him and he ends up thrown in jail. Once there, he deciphers some dreams from fellow inmates, one of whom is Pharaoh’s butler. (Did I mention this part takes place in ancient Egypt?) Eventually the butler gets out of prison and when Pharaoh starts having crazy dreams recommends getting Joseph out of prison to help. Joseph helps and eventually leads Egypt to wealth and prosperity in a time of drought and hunger in the region. His brothers, starving in their homeland of Canaan, go to Egypt to beg for food and after some tests of loyalty by Joseph, they are all happily reunited. That’s it in a nutshell.



In the song I sing, the brothers and wives are telling Jacob (Joseph’s dad) that his son is dead and pretending to be sad when really they couldn’t be happier. Most of the songs in the show are themed, and this one is country and western. It’s hokey and cheesy and fun to sing and perform. It’s completely over the top. It’s also pretty ironic. Here I am on stage pretending to mourn a brother, and in real life I’m actually mourning one.



Please don’t misunderstand, I can separate fiction from reality and I really am enjoying doing the show and playing this role. It just struck me on the way home from rehearsal last night. Life is funny sometimes.

#195 I totally lost it last night

I totally lost it last night. I started bawling on the couch. All because of “Glee”. Yes, the supposedly happy go lucky high school glee club television show. Every week the show has a theme and the high school students perform a variety of songs around it. The show is hardly realistic, but I enjoy watching it and usually the writers get one or two absolutely hysterical lines in there.




The episode my husband and I watched last night (we are way behind, thank you DVR) centered around the possible loss of one of the character’s fathers. The dad on the show has an arrhythmia which leaves him in a coma, unresponsive with no one knowing whether or not he will wake up. Anyone else see a parallel?



I was doing ok with that. I had my trusty ipod touch and was frantically playing my word games trying to avoid becoming too emotionally involved with the show. I was already dreading the inevitable moment when the father wakes up. It’s television, of course he was going to wake up.



And he did wake up, and I made it through that moment ok too. A little sniffle maybe, but I was dead centered on that ipod and I was controlling it.



Then the actors sang the final song. It was one of Eric’s favorites. One of the ones that he played over and over and over again. It’s one that I heard on the radio an uncanny number of times right after he died. And here it was again. And I lost it. I broke down completely.



I miss you Eric, more than I can ever say.



I’ll leave you with the song.

#194 Book Fair

This week my son had a book fair at school. The schools are very smart about how they do this. They send the kids into the library where all of the books are displayed with a piece of paper and a pencil. The kids then write down the books they want, where they are located and how much they cost. There are lots of parent volunteers there for those who have trouble writing. My son came home with a list of books worth about $50.00.




Now I love that my son loves to read, and I do want to support his school, but this is a lot of money. Especially when I don’t get to preview the books. And when we’ve already contributed substantial amounts to a capital campaign and a summer reading and math program. There isn’t a never-ending supply of money.



My husband and I decided this would be a good time to try and teach our son the value of money. We told him we would give him a specified amount of money and he could divide it up any way he wanted. If there were more things he wanted he would have to spend his own money.



My husband then sat down with him and together they emptied his piggy banks and counted his money. They then discussed the concepts of saving, giving and spending. My husband asked my son to pretend he had $10.00 and then decide how many dollars would go into each category. He decided he should save $5.00, spend $3.00 and give $2.00. I was pretty impressed. In the past he has declared his intentions to open a free store when he is older to give things to people who can’t afford them so part of me thought he would want to give all of his money away. Then again, he had that huge list of books he wanted so part of me thought he would want to spend all of his money. He surprised me with his balanced approach, I was really proud. He wound up buying the journal with the pen that writes in invisible ink, and 2 other books that he really wanted.



I was telling this story to my mom and she reminded me of how differently Eric and I approached giving as children. We went to Hebrew school where we were supposed to bring in tzedakah, or money for charity. I wanted to give all of my money to help those less fortunate. Over the years I’ve gotten a little more fiscally conservative, but still giving is important to me.



Eric didn’t want to give any of his money. He reasoned that he shouldn’t have to give away his money to people who had lost all of theirs. This isn’t to say that he wasn’t generous or caring, because he was, he was just always against the welfare state. He mellowed somewhat in his beliefs over time as well.



I think Eric would be proud of how his nephew handled himself. At the end of the year we’ll let him pick a charity to donate his “give” money to. Maybe we’ll add to that as well.

#193 Sell-out take 2

Apparently I sold out incorrectly. I got the information from another blogger, got excited and wrote a blog and signed up on Shutterfly’s website. Only I didn’t wait for the instructions from Shutterfly, and now that I have them, I realize yesterday’s blog was not quite enough of a sell out. I didn’t post links to their products, choose a favorite card or tell other bloggers where to go for the same deal. Oops.  You can all stop laughing now.




Since I have already made the decision to use the blog to get the cards, you get to suffer through (enjoy?) another holiday card post. After all, it would be a shame to waste yesterday’s blog and my moral struggle completely. So here goes.



Holiday cards are difficult for me to pick out. As you know from reading this blog, we’re Jewish and that’s not really a Jewish tradition. I didn’t grow up doing this. I really started sending cards once I had kids. We live so far away from so many of our good friends and I wanted to keep them updated on what our kids looked like. I also love getting the cards that my friends send to me and thought I should reciprocate. For most of the year our refrigerator is a hodge podge of holiday cards that I can’t bear to take down.



Having said that I refuse to use any cards that mention Christmas or are overtly religious. Even a small picture of a Christmas tree can ruin a card for me. For me this is a way of keeping in touch, not celebrating a holiday. Sometimes that really limits my choices, but not on Shutterfly.



Here are three different choices that would all work wonderfully for my purposes.



http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/starlight-joy-christmas-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93491

I love the simplicity of this card, although the word Joy does make me think of Christmas so might rule it out.





http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/lovingly-wrapped-american-lung-association-holiday-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93491

This is another nice, simple card and 10% of the proceeds go to the American Lung Association. Not bad.





http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/glisten-and-glow-christmas-5x7-photo-card-5x7-photo?sortType=1&storeNode=93491

This one is also tempting since I always have such trouble deciding which pictures to use, and here I get to use a lot of them.



I don’t have a favorite yet, hopefully Shutterfly will forgive me, but I need to do a lot more looking before I can make that incredibly important decision!!



So I think I have now fulfilled almost all of the requirements to get my free cards, if you would like to do the same here’s where to go: http://bit.ly/sfly2010



I hope you all have safe, happy, healthy, wonderful holidays. It’s going to be a rough time of year for me, as all of my Eric anniversaries fall in December and January, but I’ll still get those cards out. As soon as I manage to pick one…