http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/31/sports/31widow.html?pagewanted=1&nl&emc=a27
This story really freaked me out today. It’s about a woman whose husband of four months died while running in the Olympic trials. It was another freak thing where his heart went into an arrhythmia while running and that was that. It’s very similar to Eric except that he survived the arrhythmia and died later of a brain bleed. I know this happens, but it still upsets me. The part that freaked me out however is that she is also a runner and is starting to run competitively again. I guess if running were my life and my love I would probably start doing it again too, but right now it scares the you know what out of me.
Some of Eric’s friends ran the Oklahoma City Marathon in his memory and while it was an amazing gesture it terrified me. I mean if this could happen to Eric it could happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime. The odds are low, I know, but they are higher if you run and if it happens to you or your loved one it doesn’t matter what the odds are.
Most parents are afraid of their children playing contact sports like football. It’s not that I’m not afraid of that, I am, I’m just not as scared about that as I am about running. Probably because I don’t personally know anyone who has been affected by a devastating football accident. They happen, I know they do, but so far they haven’t happened to me.
Our lives are shaped by our experiences. As a physician it’s sometimes a struggle to act on evidence rather than anecdote. We all tend to react against our most recent or worst experiences. In my professional life I think I’m pretty good at going back to the evidence. In my personal life, I guess I’m not. I don’t think I could be as brave as the woman in the above article, but I credit her with getting her life back together and doing what she loves. I wish her the best. I just don’t want to hear about it.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
#187 Alchemy
Eric and I were alchemists. I can remember taking everything we could find in the bathroom; toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, soap etc and mixing it all together to see if we could make something entirely different. Usually we just came up with a mixed up mess. Except for one time….
Once Eric presented me with a Tupperware container of a liquid that looked and smelled like urine. He claimed he had created it by mixing things found in the bathroom. I believed him. I pestered him for what in my memory seems like years, but was probably only weeks or maybe months to tell me how he had done it. He claimed he couldn’t remember.
It took me WAY too long to realize that he had actually peed in the container and that the liquid was actual urine.
I guess Eric was an alchemist and I was just gullible.
Once Eric presented me with a Tupperware container of a liquid that looked and smelled like urine. He claimed he had created it by mixing things found in the bathroom. I believed him. I pestered him for what in my memory seems like years, but was probably only weeks or maybe months to tell me how he had done it. He claimed he couldn’t remember.
It took me WAY too long to realize that he had actually peed in the container and that the liquid was actual urine.
I guess Eric was an alchemist and I was just gullible.
Friday, October 29, 2010
#186 Lifestyles of the rich and famous
This story should have been about Eric.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/29/world/asia/29mumbai.html?pagewanted=1&nl&emc=a22
The story is about India’s richest person, one of the richest people in the world, who has just built himself a 27 story home.
Eric was always good with money and fascinated by it. He was on a financial radio show before he was out of grade school. He understood investing and played the stock market in high school. I always thought he would end up rich and frequently joked about living in his guest house someday.
I’d take a room in the house above.
If he were still here I would send him this article with a note wondering when he was planning on topping it. But I can’t do that now.
I’d love to know his answer, I’m sure it would have made me laugh.
There’s probably no way now that I’m ever going to live in such luxury, but I’m ok with that. If I had it, I’d give it all up anyway if I could live in poverty with Eric. But he probably wouldn’t be satisfied with that.
I guess I’ll just have to find a way to make my own wealth….or make my husband make it…..the guest house thing just isn’t going to happen.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/29/world/asia/29mumbai.html?pagewanted=1&nl&emc=a22
The story is about India’s richest person, one of the richest people in the world, who has just built himself a 27 story home.
Eric was always good with money and fascinated by it. He was on a financial radio show before he was out of grade school. He understood investing and played the stock market in high school. I always thought he would end up rich and frequently joked about living in his guest house someday.
I’d take a room in the house above.
If he were still here I would send him this article with a note wondering when he was planning on topping it. But I can’t do that now.
I’d love to know his answer, I’m sure it would have made me laugh.
There’s probably no way now that I’m ever going to live in such luxury, but I’m ok with that. If I had it, I’d give it all up anyway if I could live in poverty with Eric. But he probably wouldn’t be satisfied with that.
I guess I’ll just have to find a way to make my own wealth….or make my husband make it…..the guest house thing just isn’t going to happen.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
#185 Phone call from beyond...
Eric called me the other night. Ok, so he didn’t really call me. But I did finally have an Eric dream. It was strange (as all my dreams have been lately) but didn’t really leave me any more upset.
I dreamt that Eric called to tell us that he hadn’t actually died. He had been sequestered on a jury for some trial and wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. The case was now over so he could let us know that he was alright. There was also something about a backpack he wanted back.
At first I didn’t know what to think. Then, I was mostly angry. How could he do this to me? To my parents?? How is it possible that he was required to not let anyone know his whereabouts for almost a year?
Then I had a vision of Eric lying in that hospital room with the bandage around his head and his non-reactive pupils. Even in my dream, I knew it wasn’t true. I knew Eric wasn’t just hiding. He was really gone.
Have you ever had a dream that just repeats all night long? This one sort of did that, except it was only the end of the dream; the part where I realize that Eric is really and truly dead.
I guess I’m still working it out; my psyche is finally getting ready to admit that he’s not on some trip to the darkest reaches of the Amazon. There is not a reasonable explanation for his absence.
And there never will be.
I dreamt that Eric called to tell us that he hadn’t actually died. He had been sequestered on a jury for some trial and wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. The case was now over so he could let us know that he was alright. There was also something about a backpack he wanted back.
At first I didn’t know what to think. Then, I was mostly angry. How could he do this to me? To my parents?? How is it possible that he was required to not let anyone know his whereabouts for almost a year?
Then I had a vision of Eric lying in that hospital room with the bandage around his head and his non-reactive pupils. Even in my dream, I knew it wasn’t true. I knew Eric wasn’t just hiding. He was really gone.
Have you ever had a dream that just repeats all night long? This one sort of did that, except it was only the end of the dream; the part where I realize that Eric is really and truly dead.
I guess I’m still working it out; my psyche is finally getting ready to admit that he’s not on some trip to the darkest reaches of the Amazon. There is not a reasonable explanation for his absence.
And there never will be.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
#184 Let the games begin....
The other night after we put the boys to bed my husband and I were watching TV when my four year old came downstairs looking forlorn. “What’s wrong?” we asked. His answer:
“[My older brother] gave me my choice and I chose fun and he is being boring. I want fun [brother]!”
Remember, my boys share a room. We know they talk and play and sometimes fight before finally falling asleep, but as long as it stays relatively quiet and confined to the room we don’t really care. This totally cracked me up. First, that he didn’t understand that tattling to us about a game that was going on after he was supposed to be in bed was not a cool thing to do; and second that he thought I had any control over what older brother was going to do.
I controlled my laughter long enough to get him back up to bed and then my husband and I collapsed into laughter. The best part about the whole thing was how much it reminded me of sneaking into Eric’s room after we were supposed to be asleep and making up games. I’ve written about it here. I’m so glad my boys are making similar memories for themselves.
“[My older brother] gave me my choice and I chose fun and he is being boring. I want fun [brother]!”
Remember, my boys share a room. We know they talk and play and sometimes fight before finally falling asleep, but as long as it stays relatively quiet and confined to the room we don’t really care. This totally cracked me up. First, that he didn’t understand that tattling to us about a game that was going on after he was supposed to be in bed was not a cool thing to do; and second that he thought I had any control over what older brother was going to do.
I controlled my laughter long enough to get him back up to bed and then my husband and I collapsed into laughter. The best part about the whole thing was how much it reminded me of sneaking into Eric’s room after we were supposed to be asleep and making up games. I’ve written about it here. I’m so glad my boys are making similar memories for themselves.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
#183 Halfway point
366 divided by 2 is 183. That means I’m halfway done with this blog. I’m not even close to halfway done with mourning or remembering Eric; but I never expected to be there at this point. I may never be there. Someone pointed out to me the other day that based on reading the blog it seems I am done with the grief and more into the memories. I’m not sure that’s wholly true, I know I don’t want it to be true, but there probably is some truth in there. That’s what time does. It dulls the rawness whether you want it to or not. But it can never take away the loss.
This blog has been more rewarding than I ever thought possible. I’ve made new connections and renewed old ones through it. I’ve gotten to share Eric in so many ways with so many people. I’ve been able to rant and rave and think and process and just get my thoughts out there.
It’s also been harder than I thought it would be. Everyone warned me that trying to write something everyday was a huge challenge. Well, they were right. I now understand why most bloggers don’t post everyday. I’m still hanging in there, still haven’t missed a day, but my next blog (and I’m sure there will be another one when this one is “over”) will not contain such a commitment.
Not only is it hard to write everyday and come up with something (hopefully) interesting and entertaining and relating to Eric, it’s hard emotionally when I struggle for a topic. How could it be hard to think of something to say about Eric? But sometimes it is.
Thanks for reading and sharing and helping me. I hope you keep reading for the next 183 posts and help to keep Eric’s memory vibrant.
This blog has been more rewarding than I ever thought possible. I’ve made new connections and renewed old ones through it. I’ve gotten to share Eric in so many ways with so many people. I’ve been able to rant and rave and think and process and just get my thoughts out there.
It’s also been harder than I thought it would be. Everyone warned me that trying to write something everyday was a huge challenge. Well, they were right. I now understand why most bloggers don’t post everyday. I’m still hanging in there, still haven’t missed a day, but my next blog (and I’m sure there will be another one when this one is “over”) will not contain such a commitment.
Not only is it hard to write everyday and come up with something (hopefully) interesting and entertaining and relating to Eric, it’s hard emotionally when I struggle for a topic. How could it be hard to think of something to say about Eric? But sometimes it is.
Thanks for reading and sharing and helping me. I hope you keep reading for the next 183 posts and help to keep Eric’s memory vibrant.
Monday, October 25, 2010
#182 Fear
This morning on CNN I saw two disturbing news stories. Well, there were more than that, I mean I was really disturbed by the guy who drove into a tornado just to videotape it….but there were two stories that really touched me.
There was the story of the American swimmer who died in the last leg of the Marathon Swimming World Cup in the United Arab Emirates. Fran Crippen, 26, was in excellent health and hoped to be an Olympic swimmer. He is said to have died of fatigue. There is some speculation that the water temperature was too high and that may have had something to do with it.
The other story was that of Lucas McKaine Ransom, a 19 year old college student who was bitten by a shark while surfing and died. He was surfing from a beach on Vandenberg Air Force Base in California when an unprovoked shark attacked him.
Two more young, healthy men, cut down in the prime of their lives. Or possibly before they even hit the prime. Is there any sense in this?
My heart goes out to their families and friends who I am sure are shocked and suffering. I don’t really understand why I had to go through this or why they do either. Their loss, like mine, seems impossible.
If being young and healthy can’t protect you, what can? I’ve already blogged about how afraid I am for if and when my children develop an interest in running. Swimming is an interest I’ve fostered in them; do I need to be afraid of that now? I know we can’t live in a bubble, but it’s my job to take care of them. How do I do that in this unpredictable world?
There was the story of the American swimmer who died in the last leg of the Marathon Swimming World Cup in the United Arab Emirates. Fran Crippen, 26, was in excellent health and hoped to be an Olympic swimmer. He is said to have died of fatigue. There is some speculation that the water temperature was too high and that may have had something to do with it.
The other story was that of Lucas McKaine Ransom, a 19 year old college student who was bitten by a shark while surfing and died. He was surfing from a beach on Vandenberg Air Force Base in California when an unprovoked shark attacked him.
Two more young, healthy men, cut down in the prime of their lives. Or possibly before they even hit the prime. Is there any sense in this?
My heart goes out to their families and friends who I am sure are shocked and suffering. I don’t really understand why I had to go through this or why they do either. Their loss, like mine, seems impossible.
If being young and healthy can’t protect you, what can? I’ve already blogged about how afraid I am for if and when my children develop an interest in running. Swimming is an interest I’ve fostered in them; do I need to be afraid of that now? I know we can’t live in a bubble, but it’s my job to take care of them. How do I do that in this unpredictable world?
Sunday, October 24, 2010
#181 NASCAR
Eric and my husband have taught me to have a more open mind.
When you grow up in the Northeast, it’s easy to forget there is a middle area of this country. If you remember there is something there, it’s hard to think of it as anything of value. It’s just “flyover country” with the possible exception of Chicago. I went to college just outside of Chicago, but still wasn’t really free of my prejudice for a long time.
Even after I met my husband (who is from Iowa) and we started dating, it was something I had to overcome; something petty and stupid, but there nonetheless. My husband and his family helped me to see beyond my regionality, and I am better person for it.
Eric never seemed to have this preconceived notion. Or any preconceived notions for that matter. One of his college roommates was from Oklahoma and he immediately developed a love of that state. He would try anything and everything, at least once.
I made a lot of fun of him when we went to a NASCAR race. For him it was something new to see and experience and if he didn’t like it, it didn’t need to be repeated.
Yesterday, my family and I went to the NASCAR Hall of Fame. My father-in-law is a huge NASCAR fan. It was actually a lot of fun. The cars were interesting and they had some neat interactive exhibits that the kids really enjoyed. For once, I was actually looking forward to going, even though it’s not something I know anything about.
It never hurts to expose yourself to new things and it’s much more fun if you go into it with an open mind.
Thanks guys.
When you grow up in the Northeast, it’s easy to forget there is a middle area of this country. If you remember there is something there, it’s hard to think of it as anything of value. It’s just “flyover country” with the possible exception of Chicago. I went to college just outside of Chicago, but still wasn’t really free of my prejudice for a long time.
Even after I met my husband (who is from Iowa) and we started dating, it was something I had to overcome; something petty and stupid, but there nonetheless. My husband and his family helped me to see beyond my regionality, and I am better person for it.
Eric never seemed to have this preconceived notion. Or any preconceived notions for that matter. One of his college roommates was from Oklahoma and he immediately developed a love of that state. He would try anything and everything, at least once.
I made a lot of fun of him when we went to a NASCAR race. For him it was something new to see and experience and if he didn’t like it, it didn’t need to be repeated.
Yesterday, my family and I went to the NASCAR Hall of Fame. My father-in-law is a huge NASCAR fan. It was actually a lot of fun. The cars were interesting and they had some neat interactive exhibits that the kids really enjoyed. For once, I was actually looking forward to going, even though it’s not something I know anything about.
It never hurts to expose yourself to new things and it’s much more fun if you go into it with an open mind.
Thanks guys.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
#180 In-laws
My in-laws are here to visit this weekend. No, stop groaning, it’s a good thing! Really! And not just because they could be reading this….
My husband is from Iowa and his parents and the rest of his family still live there although we’re hoping his brother will make the move to Charlotte soon. The visit from my in-laws has reminded me about Eric’s reaction to having a brother-in-law from Iowa.
He was disappointed.
But only because my husband didn’t grow up on a farm. Eric just couldn’t see the point of a suburban Iowan.
I’m pretty sure the first time Eric met my in-laws was without me, on a cross-country road trip that just happened to take him through Iowa. We were hoping my in-laws would greet him out on the front porch in overalls and straw hats, but that didn’t happen.
Over time Eric made a couple more trips through Iowa, always stopping to see my in-laws on his way. In fact, they met his girlfriend before I did when she and Eric were in Iowa for a wedding. I think my in-laws and Eric all enjoyed their relationship immensely.
I’m just sorry it can’t continue outside of memory.
My husband is from Iowa and his parents and the rest of his family still live there although we’re hoping his brother will make the move to Charlotte soon. The visit from my in-laws has reminded me about Eric’s reaction to having a brother-in-law from Iowa.
He was disappointed.
But only because my husband didn’t grow up on a farm. Eric just couldn’t see the point of a suburban Iowan.
I’m pretty sure the first time Eric met my in-laws was without me, on a cross-country road trip that just happened to take him through Iowa. We were hoping my in-laws would greet him out on the front porch in overalls and straw hats, but that didn’t happen.
Over time Eric made a couple more trips through Iowa, always stopping to see my in-laws on his way. In fact, they met his girlfriend before I did when she and Eric were in Iowa for a wedding. I think my in-laws and Eric all enjoyed their relationship immensely.
I’m just sorry it can’t continue outside of memory.
Friday, October 22, 2010
#180 Handwriting
Yesterday my husband and I were invited to my first grader’s school for a Writing Celebration, so of course we went. When we arrived my 6 year old met us at the door with a gleeful grin. He took us to his desk and showed me to a chair set up specifically for a reader. Then he read us his stories. They were fabulous. And I’m not biased at all. (nudge nudge wink wink) He wrote about taking a swim test to be allowed to go down the water slide at my parent’s pool this summer. He wrote about last year’s Halloween celebration and about his favorite stuffed animal that he sleeps with every night.
I couldn’t help but think there was something familiar about his work though. It wasn’t the subject matter; all of that was original and specific to him. It wasn’t the art work that beautifully illustrated his stories. It was the handwriting. It looked just like Eric’s. I always told Eric that I thought his handwriting was stuck in the third grade, but I think I was wrong. Either my 6 year old is very advanced (but of course!) or Eric’s handwriting was stuck at a first grade level.
I was going to try and find a sample to insert with this blog, but I haven’t had time yet, maybe I’ll be able to do that and add it later. Trust me though; penmanship was not Eric’s strong point.
I find it amazing how day after day there are always little things to remind me of Eric, no matter where I am or what I am doing. I hope that never ends.
I couldn’t help but think there was something familiar about his work though. It wasn’t the subject matter; all of that was original and specific to him. It wasn’t the art work that beautifully illustrated his stories. It was the handwriting. It looked just like Eric’s. I always told Eric that I thought his handwriting was stuck in the third grade, but I think I was wrong. Either my 6 year old is very advanced (but of course!) or Eric’s handwriting was stuck at a first grade level.
I was going to try and find a sample to insert with this blog, but I haven’t had time yet, maybe I’ll be able to do that and add it later. Trust me though; penmanship was not Eric’s strong point.
I find it amazing how day after day there are always little things to remind me of Eric, no matter where I am or what I am doing. I hope that never ends.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
#179 Mood swings
I’m having a bad emotional week. I miss Eric. I want him here. I want to talk to him. I want to be annoyed and exasperated by him. I want to smell his garlic breath and yell at him for getting my kids all riled up right before bed. I want him to make me laugh until I can’t breathe and then do it again. I want him to make me think.
It seems ridiculous to say that I am lonely when I am surrounded by family and friends, but I am. I am lonely for him. I am now alone in the world in a way I never was before. And it stinks.
Yesterday I had a patient come in and bring me a copy of the article that Marissa Brooks wrote about me and Eric and this blog. She is a patient I know well and just wanted to make sure I had a copy. Then she told me how her son had died in October. We cried and hugged and commiserated. I can’t imagine losing a child and I’m sure neither could she or my parents until it happened. She has also lost two husbands and a brother. Somehow she still stays strong.
And so will I.
I know I will have some times that are more emotional than others. This has been a particularly bad week. The other night my husband brought in Burger King for the boys and let them have a “picnic” in their bedroom so I could have some time to myself. It was amazing and really made me appreciate what I have. It’s so hard when I want to be with them and yet need some alone time all at the same time.
Thank you to my husband and my patient and everyone else who supports me. I’m sure I’ll be back on a more even keel soon….until the next time.
It seems ridiculous to say that I am lonely when I am surrounded by family and friends, but I am. I am lonely for him. I am now alone in the world in a way I never was before. And it stinks.
Yesterday I had a patient come in and bring me a copy of the article that Marissa Brooks wrote about me and Eric and this blog. She is a patient I know well and just wanted to make sure I had a copy. Then she told me how her son had died in October. We cried and hugged and commiserated. I can’t imagine losing a child and I’m sure neither could she or my parents until it happened. She has also lost two husbands and a brother. Somehow she still stays strong.
And so will I.
I know I will have some times that are more emotional than others. This has been a particularly bad week. The other night my husband brought in Burger King for the boys and let them have a “picnic” in their bedroom so I could have some time to myself. It was amazing and really made me appreciate what I have. It’s so hard when I want to be with them and yet need some alone time all at the same time.
Thank you to my husband and my patient and everyone else who supports me. I’m sure I’ll be back on a more even keel soon….until the next time.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
#178 Google
I just googled Eric. That was depressing. Instead of finding Harvard graduate or law review at UVA, I found an article in the Las Vegas paper about his death. I found an obituary on the McKinsey website. I found a blog about the race after which he died with a forward extending condolences.
I got a letter today from old friends of my parents who knew Eric when he was in high school in Bangkok. They have a son who is now a freshman at Harvard and that made them think about Eric and look him up. That’s how they found out. They then found my blog (hi) and sent a beautiful letter to my parents and to me. I wanted to see what they found when they went looking for Eric and that’s what started today’s adventure.
I still don’t think of Eric’s story as over. I still have trouble connecting the words death and died and gone forever with him. I wish the internet had a longer memory. I wish his happy moments and his high achievements were the first things you found when you went looking. In our quest for the most up to date information that will not happen. The first thing you see when you google him is that he is dead. And that’s about the last thing you will find too. And that doesn’t even begin to cover it.
I got a letter today from old friends of my parents who knew Eric when he was in high school in Bangkok. They have a son who is now a freshman at Harvard and that made them think about Eric and look him up. That’s how they found out. They then found my blog (hi) and sent a beautiful letter to my parents and to me. I wanted to see what they found when they went looking for Eric and that’s what started today’s adventure.
I still don’t think of Eric’s story as over. I still have trouble connecting the words death and died and gone forever with him. I wish the internet had a longer memory. I wish his happy moments and his high achievements were the first things you found when you went looking. In our quest for the most up to date information that will not happen. The first thing you see when you google him is that he is dead. And that’s about the last thing you will find too. And that doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
#177 Star Wars
Now that we’ve finished with one birthday celebration, it’s time to start planning another. My oldest son turns 7 in December. Last year at a silent auction for my younger son’s preschool I bought a karate birthday party; so that is what we are going to do. The auction was in February, so I had this planned long before the older son started taking (and loving and excelling at) Tae Kwan Do. I didn’t tell him about it since it was going to be almost a year until the party and I also didn’t want the younger one getting jealous and demanding a karate party too as it is kind of expensive and I didn’t think he would be old enough to really get anything out of it yet.
My oldest son is very dramatic and loves surprises so I thought I would get a great reaction when I told him he was going to have a karate party. To my surprise, I did not. I got downcast eyes and a frown and a quiet, “But I wanted to have a Star Wars party…..” Luckily I was able to explain to him that those two things are not mutually exclusive and that he can have a Star Wars karate party. Problem solved and excitement generated. But I couldn’t figure out why Star Wars…
I know he likes Star Wars, but he hardly ever asks to watch the movies or the animated TV show. He is much more into Ben 10 Alien Force, Johnny Test or Toy Story. He is also very into superheroes—Spiderman and Superman are still revered in our house. He doesn’t talk about Star Wars and I don’t think he really knows who all of the characters are.
I asked my husband why he thought my son was so set on having a Star Wars party and he came up with two reasons. The first is that one of his friends had a Star Wars party last year where the kids got to bash each other over the head all night with light sabers made from pool noodle floaties. Very cool. The second was Eric. Although my husband is a huge Star Wars fan and is the reason we have all of the movies, Eric was really my kids’ connection to the franchise. He bought them their light sabers, themed pajamas and pop up play room.
I’m choosing to believe that my oldest son wants a Star Wars party to remember and celebrate his uncle. Even if he doesn’t fully realize it himself.
My oldest son is very dramatic and loves surprises so I thought I would get a great reaction when I told him he was going to have a karate party. To my surprise, I did not. I got downcast eyes and a frown and a quiet, “But I wanted to have a Star Wars party…..” Luckily I was able to explain to him that those two things are not mutually exclusive and that he can have a Star Wars karate party. Problem solved and excitement generated. But I couldn’t figure out why Star Wars…
I know he likes Star Wars, but he hardly ever asks to watch the movies or the animated TV show. He is much more into Ben 10 Alien Force, Johnny Test or Toy Story. He is also very into superheroes—Spiderman and Superman are still revered in our house. He doesn’t talk about Star Wars and I don’t think he really knows who all of the characters are.
I asked my husband why he thought my son was so set on having a Star Wars party and he came up with two reasons. The first is that one of his friends had a Star Wars party last year where the kids got to bash each other over the head all night with light sabers made from pool noodle floaties. Very cool. The second was Eric. Although my husband is a huge Star Wars fan and is the reason we have all of the movies, Eric was really my kids’ connection to the franchise. He bought them their light sabers, themed pajamas and pop up play room.
I’m choosing to believe that my oldest son wants a Star Wars party to remember and celebrate his uncle. Even if he doesn’t fully realize it himself.
Monday, October 18, 2010
#176 The months ahead...
December 8th is coming up faster than I can believe. That will be the one year anniversary of the event I can still barely say or type. But you know what I am talking about.
It is also the day that both my boys have eye doctor appointments and the day of my December book club meeting. Needless to say I will be re-scheduling those appointments and probably not going to my book club. I am anticipating being a wreck that day. Thankfully it’s a Wednesday so I can be a wreck from home and not expect myself to also work.
What if I’m not a wreck that day though? What if it just feels like any other day? Then again, how could it possibly?
I’m not sure what to expect or how I’ll be, but I’m not looking forward to it.
And before that we have to get through Thanksgiving, and sorry baby, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do it without alcohol.
And right after that December anniversary comes his birthday.
The next few months are going to be rough. Thanks in advance for being there for me.
It is also the day that both my boys have eye doctor appointments and the day of my December book club meeting. Needless to say I will be re-scheduling those appointments and probably not going to my book club. I am anticipating being a wreck that day. Thankfully it’s a Wednesday so I can be a wreck from home and not expect myself to also work.
What if I’m not a wreck that day though? What if it just feels like any other day? Then again, how could it possibly?
I’m not sure what to expect or how I’ll be, but I’m not looking forward to it.
And before that we have to get through Thanksgiving, and sorry baby, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do it without alcohol.
And right after that December anniversary comes his birthday.
The next few months are going to be rough. Thanks in advance for being there for me.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
#175 Swim meet
I just got back from my 6 year old’s first swim meet and let me say, I could not be prouder. He performed beautifully. He jumped in the water when the buzzer sounded and did his best to get to the other side of the pool. He didn’t come in first, but he didn’t come in last and he had a great time. Every kid got a ribbon with his time written on it so every kid was a winner and it was fabulous. He raced in both free-style and back stroke and it was really cool to watch him be able to do that and enjoy it.
My 4 year old was there “watching”. It’s hard to be my 4 year old sometimes. He gets dragged to a lot of activities that he can’t participate in, much as he would like to. We have endured 2 seasons of tee ball where I chase him all over the complex instead of getting to watch the game and then today he was stuck in a hot indoor pool with nothing to play with but the bleachers. He found something else to play with though. He pulled the camera out of my purse and started taking pictures. It’s a digital camera so I didn’t really care, after all I can always delete the pictures. It’s not like back when we had film. The camera amused him for a quite a while. He took pictures of his brother, of his parents, of the crowd and the ceiling. It was really nice for me, because I didn’t have to chase him anywhere.
At one point I looked over at him playing with the camera and realized, that was Eric’s camera. It was a Chanukah gift from my parents to him last year. I knew that was his camera, but I don’t think about that every time I use it. Today, I did. And I thought about how Eric was once the younger brother who got dragged to everything and probably appreciated it about as much as my 4 year old does. Today it was his possession that amused my son and gave me the ability to actually watch my 6 year old race.
Thanks. You would have been so proud of both of them if you had been there.
My 4 year old was there “watching”. It’s hard to be my 4 year old sometimes. He gets dragged to a lot of activities that he can’t participate in, much as he would like to. We have endured 2 seasons of tee ball where I chase him all over the complex instead of getting to watch the game and then today he was stuck in a hot indoor pool with nothing to play with but the bleachers. He found something else to play with though. He pulled the camera out of my purse and started taking pictures. It’s a digital camera so I didn’t really care, after all I can always delete the pictures. It’s not like back when we had film. The camera amused him for a quite a while. He took pictures of his brother, of his parents, of the crowd and the ceiling. It was really nice for me, because I didn’t have to chase him anywhere.
At one point I looked over at him playing with the camera and realized, that was Eric’s camera. It was a Chanukah gift from my parents to him last year. I knew that was his camera, but I don’t think about that every time I use it. Today, I did. And I thought about how Eric was once the younger brother who got dragged to everything and probably appreciated it about as much as my 4 year old does. Today it was his possession that amused my son and gave me the ability to actually watch my 6 year old race.
Thanks. You would have been so proud of both of them if you had been there.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
#174 Something else to worry about.....
There was an article in Time Magazine in late September by Annie Murphy Paul that has had me thinking ever since. The article was titled “Fetal Origins: How the First Nine Months Shape the Rest of Your Life” and was about how the environment in the womb can affect your baby’s health for the rest of his life. She talked about the obvious things such as diet, alcohol and air quality but then she went into a different area. She wrote about the effect mom’s emotional health can have on a baby, and how that can last for a lifetime.
I am not a health nut. I don’t really exercise, I don’t eat all that well, although I do try to do better when I’m pregnant. I stay away from alcohol and smoky places; I try to eat more fruits and vegetables. But apparently now I have to monitor my emotions as well.
“Catherine Monk, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Columbia University, has advanced a…startling proposal: that a pregnant woman's mental state can shape her offspring's psyche. "Research indicates that even before birth, mothers' moods may affect child development," Monk says.”
Uh oh. So all that grief and job stress is not working in baby boy’s favor. What exactly are we talking about here? Pregnant woman with normal moods and anxiety or depression were given challenging mental exercises in a lab setting.
“All of the women show physiological signs of stress in response to the tests, but only the fetuses of depressed or anxious women display disturbances of their own.
"This difference suggests that these fetuses are already more sensitive to stress," Monk says. "Perhaps that's because of a genetic predisposition inherited from the parents. Or it could be because the fetuses' nervous systems are already being shaped by their mothers' emotional states."
Ok you say, I can buy that the fetus might react, after all it is responding to mom’s reactions. But…..
“The differences Monk has found among fetuses appear to persist after birth. And because basic physiological patterns like heart rate are associated with more general differences in temperament, Monk says, "it may be that the roots of temperamental variation go back to the womb."
It could even be the case that a pregnant woman's emotional state influences her offspring's later susceptibility to mental illness.”
That’s scary. I don’t think that I am clinically depressed or anxious, but I know I experience these emotions. I am a pretty high strung person, so it’s fair to say that I experienced anxiety with my other pregnancies. After all, my oldest was born when I was a first year resident and my youngest (so far) when I was a fellow. There was a lot of job related stress there, and especially with the first, really crazy hours.
This pregnancy has also had to endure its share of job related stress, as well as other types of stress. I have had a lot more sadness in this pregnancy though, for obvious reasons. I can’t eliminate my emotions, so I just have to hope that this baby is strong enough to withstand my mood swings and will still come out ok. Thank you Time for giving me something else to worry about. What’s that going to do to my baby?
I am not a health nut. I don’t really exercise, I don’t eat all that well, although I do try to do better when I’m pregnant. I stay away from alcohol and smoky places; I try to eat more fruits and vegetables. But apparently now I have to monitor my emotions as well.
“Catherine Monk, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Columbia University, has advanced a…startling proposal: that a pregnant woman's mental state can shape her offspring's psyche. "Research indicates that even before birth, mothers' moods may affect child development," Monk says.”
Uh oh. So all that grief and job stress is not working in baby boy’s favor. What exactly are we talking about here? Pregnant woman with normal moods and anxiety or depression were given challenging mental exercises in a lab setting.
“All of the women show physiological signs of stress in response to the tests, but only the fetuses of depressed or anxious women display disturbances of their own.
"This difference suggests that these fetuses are already more sensitive to stress," Monk says. "Perhaps that's because of a genetic predisposition inherited from the parents. Or it could be because the fetuses' nervous systems are already being shaped by their mothers' emotional states."
Ok you say, I can buy that the fetus might react, after all it is responding to mom’s reactions. But…..
“The differences Monk has found among fetuses appear to persist after birth. And because basic physiological patterns like heart rate are associated with more general differences in temperament, Monk says, "it may be that the roots of temperamental variation go back to the womb."
It could even be the case that a pregnant woman's emotional state influences her offspring's later susceptibility to mental illness.”
That’s scary. I don’t think that I am clinically depressed or anxious, but I know I experience these emotions. I am a pretty high strung person, so it’s fair to say that I experienced anxiety with my other pregnancies. After all, my oldest was born when I was a first year resident and my youngest (so far) when I was a fellow. There was a lot of job related stress there, and especially with the first, really crazy hours.
This pregnancy has also had to endure its share of job related stress, as well as other types of stress. I have had a lot more sadness in this pregnancy though, for obvious reasons. I can’t eliminate my emotions, so I just have to hope that this baby is strong enough to withstand my mood swings and will still come out ok. Thank you Time for giving me something else to worry about. What’s that going to do to my baby?
Friday, October 15, 2010
#173 Blog evolution
My husband has pointed out to me lately that my blogs are incorporating more and more of our family life in them. This is not a criticism; he says he likes how the posts are sharing our family life and how we are reminded of Eric in so many ways both large and small. I suppose he is right.
This blog is meant, in part, to be a celebration of Eric’s life and as such should contain stories of his life. And it does. This blog is also meant to be a way for me to grieve and as such it should contain stories of my life. And it does.
I guess it’s natural, since I am the author, that more of me will end up in this blog than of him. It makes me really sad though to think this is happening because there are now a finite number of Eric stories in the world. His ability to be the protagonist has ended, and we can only recall what happened in the past. And I don’t even know all of the stories.
My story and that of my family is still continuing so I will go on reporting it and the ways in which we remember Eric. After all, that’s all I can do
This blog is meant, in part, to be a celebration of Eric’s life and as such should contain stories of his life. And it does. This blog is also meant to be a way for me to grieve and as such it should contain stories of my life. And it does.
I guess it’s natural, since I am the author, that more of me will end up in this blog than of him. It makes me really sad though to think this is happening because there are now a finite number of Eric stories in the world. His ability to be the protagonist has ended, and we can only recall what happened in the past. And I don’t even know all of the stories.
My story and that of my family is still continuing so I will go on reporting it and the ways in which we remember Eric. After all, that’s all I can do
Thursday, October 14, 2010
#172 She says it so well
A friend of mine recently lent me “Composed”, a memoir by Rosanne Cash. She thought it contained some parts about mourning for Johnny Cash that would really resonate with me. She was right. Interestingly, most of the memoir seems to be about Johnny Cash and growing up in reaction to him. The things Rosanne chose to do or not to do mostly seem based on a desire to either get away from or get back to what her father did. I guess that’s the way it is with most of us and our parents, only most of us don’t have to do it under a spotlight.
There was one particular passage towards the end of the book that I read several times. She is talking about her reaction to the death of her father and she writes,
“You begin to realize that everyone has a tragedy, and that if he doesn’t, he will. You recognize how much is hidden behind the small courtesies and civilities of everyday existence. Deep sorrow and traces of great loss run through everyone’s lives, and yet they let others step into the elevator first, wave them ahead in a line of traffic, smile and greet their children and inquire about their lives, and never let on for a second that they, too, have lain awake at night in longing and regret, that they, too, have cried until it seemed impossible that one person could hold so many tears, that they, too keep a picture of someone locked in their heart and bring it out in quiet, solitary moments to caress and remember. Loss is the great unifier, the terrible club to which we all eventually belong.”
Yes.
There was one particular passage towards the end of the book that I read several times. She is talking about her reaction to the death of her father and she writes,
“You begin to realize that everyone has a tragedy, and that if he doesn’t, he will. You recognize how much is hidden behind the small courtesies and civilities of everyday existence. Deep sorrow and traces of great loss run through everyone’s lives, and yet they let others step into the elevator first, wave them ahead in a line of traffic, smile and greet their children and inquire about their lives, and never let on for a second that they, too, have lain awake at night in longing and regret, that they, too, have cried until it seemed impossible that one person could hold so many tears, that they, too keep a picture of someone locked in their heart and bring it out in quiet, solitary moments to caress and remember. Loss is the great unifier, the terrible club to which we all eventually belong.”
Yes.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
#171 Initials
In memory of Eric my husband and I have decided that our new baby’s middle name will be Eric. This would have happened regardless of the gender, but now that we know he’s a boy, it makes a little more sense. My mom called me the other night to let me know that she and my dad don’t think the baby’s first name should start with a J. Why? Well, when you put that together with Eric and our last name, his initials would be JEW. Even though he’ll be one, it’s probably good advice.
This has really gotten me thinking. Are all word forming first initials out? I’d have to say no to that; especially since my oldest’s initials are SAW. If that was our goal, we’d have already failed.
So then I started thinking about words we could make on purpose. NEW? Well, he will be. MEW; too cat like? SEW; too feminine? LEW; we could kill two birds with one stone and have his first name and initials be the same!
I’m not sure this is the best criteria to pick a name for a baby. After all, Eric’s initials were EAR and, before I got married, mine were ERR. Nice going mom and dad!
This has really gotten me thinking. Are all word forming first initials out? I’d have to say no to that; especially since my oldest’s initials are SAW. If that was our goal, we’d have already failed.
So then I started thinking about words we could make on purpose. NEW? Well, he will be. MEW; too cat like? SEW; too feminine? LEW; we could kill two birds with one stone and have his first name and initials be the same!
I’m not sure this is the best criteria to pick a name for a baby. After all, Eric’s initials were EAR and, before I got married, mine were ERR. Nice going mom and dad!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
#170 Sick
My 4 year old is home sick today. He woke up in the middle of the night with a fever and a cough and hung out with me for a while before going back to bed. He was fever-free and in good spirits this morning, but I kept him home from school just to make sure it lasts and hopefully to avoid exposing all the other kids in his class—although it’s probably too late for that.
I remember staying home sick from school as a child. Even when we felt terrible, my mom also made us feel special. She would set us up on the couch with a TV tray and let us eat in the den, something that was only allowed on special occasions. She would make us hot tea and toast with jam, and if we had a stomach ache we would also get soda. This was a HUGE treat in our house. I’m still not sure why it was allowed for stomach aches, but we weren’t going to argue.
We didn’t have all of the entertainment options when we stayed home as our kids do today. This morning when I left for work (my husband stayed home) my son was alternating between the new video game my in-laws gave him for his birthday and streaming video from Netflix. Around naptime he’ll probably watch DVDs from the portable player set up next to his bed. We watched what was on the TV and if we wanted to change the channels we had to actually get up. Eric and I became aficionados of the game shows and soap operas. No whammies, no whammies, no whammies! Are you with me?
When we finally got a VCR, my mother discovered the free movies at the library. Unfortunately she only discovered one of them. “Some Like it Hot”, the black and white, 1959 comedy starring Marilyn Monroe, Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon was a sick staple at our house. It’s still an ongoing joke—she would always get so excited when she would bring it home and ask us if we’d ever seen it as we groaned in disbelief.
I hope I can make my kids as comfortable as my mom made Eric and me. Even if we did have to watch the same movie over and over again.
I remember staying home sick from school as a child. Even when we felt terrible, my mom also made us feel special. She would set us up on the couch with a TV tray and let us eat in the den, something that was only allowed on special occasions. She would make us hot tea and toast with jam, and if we had a stomach ache we would also get soda. This was a HUGE treat in our house. I’m still not sure why it was allowed for stomach aches, but we weren’t going to argue.
We didn’t have all of the entertainment options when we stayed home as our kids do today. This morning when I left for work (my husband stayed home) my son was alternating between the new video game my in-laws gave him for his birthday and streaming video from Netflix. Around naptime he’ll probably watch DVDs from the portable player set up next to his bed. We watched what was on the TV and if we wanted to change the channels we had to actually get up. Eric and I became aficionados of the game shows and soap operas. No whammies, no whammies, no whammies! Are you with me?
When we finally got a VCR, my mother discovered the free movies at the library. Unfortunately she only discovered one of them. “Some Like it Hot”, the black and white, 1959 comedy starring Marilyn Monroe, Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon was a sick staple at our house. It’s still an ongoing joke—she would always get so excited when she would bring it home and ask us if we’d ever seen it as we groaned in disbelief.
I hope I can make my kids as comfortable as my mom made Eric and me. Even if we did have to watch the same movie over and over again.
Monday, October 11, 2010
#169 Empty Dreams
My parents were here this weekend to help us celebrate my son’s birthday. Last night over cocktails my dad told us about a dream he had where Eric called him on the phone. My mom then told us about a dream she had where Eric said he would come back if he could.
I’m still not dreaming about him.
My mom says that’s a good thing, that her dreams are very upsetting. I’m not sure. What does it mean that I’m not dreaming about him? Does it mean anything? It bothers me, that’s for sure.
I’m not really sure why it bothers me though. Maybe I feel a little guilty that my subconscious isn’t preoccupied enough with him to put him in my dreams? Maybe I feel a little bit guilty that my life is so full it can find other things to dream about? Maybe I wonder that I don’t miss him enough? No, that last one can’t be it.
It’s a silly thing to wonder and worry about, but that doesn’t stop me. I’m not asking to be upset, or to wallow in my sadness, but I would like to see him again, to hear his voice again. And the only way that is going to happen is in a dream.
I’m still not dreaming about him.
My mom says that’s a good thing, that her dreams are very upsetting. I’m not sure. What does it mean that I’m not dreaming about him? Does it mean anything? It bothers me, that’s for sure.
I’m not really sure why it bothers me though. Maybe I feel a little guilty that my subconscious isn’t preoccupied enough with him to put him in my dreams? Maybe I feel a little bit guilty that my life is so full it can find other things to dream about? Maybe I wonder that I don’t miss him enough? No, that last one can’t be it.
It’s a silly thing to wonder and worry about, but that doesn’t stop me. I’m not asking to be upset, or to wallow in my sadness, but I would like to see him again, to hear his voice again. And the only way that is going to happen is in a dream.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
#168 Similarities
The birthday party is over, the cake is all gone and the toys are all over the house. It was a wonderful day, but perhaps the parts that I’ll remember forever were the parts that reminded me of Eric.
On the way to the party the birthday boy asked if I would play a certain song from one of the cds in my car. Then he asked for me to play it again, and again. This is pretty routine for us, and it’s always the same song. I put up with it for as long as I can and then try to persuade him he should give another song a chance. Sometimes I’m successful and sometimes I’m not. Usually it’s just me and the kids in the car when this happens, but yesterday my husband was there too. He was the one who reminded me that this was how Eric listened to music. He would pick one song from an album and listen to it for hours or days on end, so much so that there are certain songs I still can’t hear today without groaning. He once went on a four hour road trip and only listened to four songs and only that many because he made himself change the selection every hour.
The party itself was at a place with lots of inflatable bounce houses for the kids to jump all over and wear themselves out. They did that for an hour then had a quick break for cake and juice and then spent about 45 minutes in the game room where they had their choice of video games, mini-golf, air hockey, skee-ball and more until it was time to go home.
The video game room reminded me of the birthday parties Eric used to have. There was a huge room of video games and we would play and trade games and play some more until it was time for cake, presents and goodbye. Eric would have loved this party.
On the way home, the birthday boy fell fast asleep in the car, another thing Eric would have done. Like my son, Eric played hard and dropped fast.
Technically we celebrated without Eric, but he was there with all of us.
On the way to the party the birthday boy asked if I would play a certain song from one of the cds in my car. Then he asked for me to play it again, and again. This is pretty routine for us, and it’s always the same song. I put up with it for as long as I can and then try to persuade him he should give another song a chance. Sometimes I’m successful and sometimes I’m not. Usually it’s just me and the kids in the car when this happens, but yesterday my husband was there too. He was the one who reminded me that this was how Eric listened to music. He would pick one song from an album and listen to it for hours or days on end, so much so that there are certain songs I still can’t hear today without groaning. He once went on a four hour road trip and only listened to four songs and only that many because he made himself change the selection every hour.
The party itself was at a place with lots of inflatable bounce houses for the kids to jump all over and wear themselves out. They did that for an hour then had a quick break for cake and juice and then spent about 45 minutes in the game room where they had their choice of video games, mini-golf, air hockey, skee-ball and more until it was time to go home.
The video game room reminded me of the birthday parties Eric used to have. There was a huge room of video games and we would play and trade games and play some more until it was time for cake, presents and goodbye. Eric would have loved this party.
On the way home, the birthday boy fell fast asleep in the car, another thing Eric would have done. Like my son, Eric played hard and dropped fast.
Technically we celebrated without Eric, but he was there with all of us.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
#167 Growth
Today my baby (soon to be middle child) turns 4. Wow. All you mothers out there will appreciate how fast the time has gone by. In some ways he still is my baby, his skin is still soft, he still has a little bit of a pot belly, but in other ways he’s all “big boy” and eager to let the world know it.
I wish Eric could see it.
Last Thanksgiving this little man couldn’t really figure out the light saber fighting; now he’ll just about take your head off with one.
Last Thanksgiving he couldn’t hold a real conversation, now he never stops.
So much has changed in a year.
I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I’ve seen Eric and that I’ll never see him again. That’s even more unbelievable than my son turning 4.
I know we’ll all be thinking of Eric as we celebrate and wondering what enormous, loud, crazy, amazing gift he would have given. And while a tiny part of me is relieved not to have to deal with that gift, the larger part of me would give anything to get it.
I wish Eric could see it.
Last Thanksgiving this little man couldn’t really figure out the light saber fighting; now he’ll just about take your head off with one.
Last Thanksgiving he couldn’t hold a real conversation, now he never stops.
So much has changed in a year.
I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I’ve seen Eric and that I’ll never see him again. That’s even more unbelievable than my son turning 4.
I know we’ll all be thinking of Eric as we celebrate and wondering what enormous, loud, crazy, amazing gift he would have given. And while a tiny part of me is relieved not to have to deal with that gift, the larger part of me would give anything to get it.
Friday, October 8, 2010
#166 Little boys
People keep telling me how fitting it is that the baby I am carrying is a boy, and tell me that they hope he will be just like Eric. Is it a betrayal of him to say that I do not?
I think this blog is ample evidence that I love and treasure and miss Eric, but do I want a re-creation of him as a child? Um….no. He drove my mother absolutely nuts. He literally swung from chandeliers and knocked out all the knot holes in a friend’s deck with a hammer. He sawed off a corner of a wall in our house. He made a volcano with gasoline.
He was undeniably adorable and precocious and funny, but…..he escaped from the house when no one knew he was out and about until he was brought back to our front door by some neighbor ladies…when he was three.
My mother always said that the curse was in the name. Everyone she knew who had an Eric, or an Erica for that matter, had behavior issues. Even as an infant, Eric would throw his head back every time he was carried through a doorway causing inadvertent head bumps. (that could actually explain a lot…)
So while I want this baby to happy and healthy and smart and inquisitive, I don’t really want him to be just like Eric. And his name will not be Eric…at least not his first name.
I think this blog is ample evidence that I love and treasure and miss Eric, but do I want a re-creation of him as a child? Um….no. He drove my mother absolutely nuts. He literally swung from chandeliers and knocked out all the knot holes in a friend’s deck with a hammer. He sawed off a corner of a wall in our house. He made a volcano with gasoline.
He was undeniably adorable and precocious and funny, but…..he escaped from the house when no one knew he was out and about until he was brought back to our front door by some neighbor ladies…when he was three.
My mother always said that the curse was in the name. Everyone she knew who had an Eric, or an Erica for that matter, had behavior issues. Even as an infant, Eric would throw his head back every time he was carried through a doorway causing inadvertent head bumps. (that could actually explain a lot…)
So while I want this baby to happy and healthy and smart and inquisitive, I don’t really want him to be just like Eric. And his name will not be Eric…at least not his first name.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
#165 Superman
As I mentioned in the last post, part of our bedtime ritual is reading to the boys before bed. Although now, my oldest reads to us. He has quickly become a really good reader, so much so that it’s easy to forget he doesn’t always understand the words he is able to pronounce.
Last night he picked out a Justice League comic book as his bedtime reading. We have been working our way through the “Magic Tree House” series, but apparently are missing the next book and he refuses to read them out of order. So he picked out the comic book. He had actually started it the night before when I missed bedtime in order to go to a talk at his school. This meant I started in the middle of the story with him where the world was on fire, the seas were boiling, a character used the expletive “Hell” and the narration was that the only noble thing left to for the Justice League superheroes to do was to die. Hmm, this doesn’t really seem appropriate for a 6 year old…. Luckily, he didn’t understand much of it at all. At first I tried to explain what was happening, and then I decided he was better off not knowing. It turns out the whole scenario was a dream to warn humanity not to let it get that far, but still, it was disturbing.
It made me wonder where we got the comic book in the first place. I know I didn’t pick it up. Then I realized, we got it from Eric. Both of my boys love Superman. Two years ago my oldest had a superman birthday party and this Saturday my youngest will have one. For that birthday Eric got my son what looked like a collector’s edition Superman action figure that came with this comic book. Of course, the action figure was soon ripped out of the box, destroying any collector’s value, but we didn’t care about that. I guess I just stuck the comic book on the bookshelf and forgot about it.
Now I have to figure out what to do with it since he is actually reading. I tried telling him last night that it wasn’t really appropriate for him and he was really upset, he really wanted to finish it. Normally, I wouldn’t advocate reading without comprehension, but in this case, I think that is going to be my solution. I’ll let him finish “reading” it, but won’t help him figure out what’s happening. Then, I’ll hide it away somewhere until he’s older and can actually get something out of it and he’ll know not to go saying “hell” everywhere.
Thanks Eric.
Last night he picked out a Justice League comic book as his bedtime reading. We have been working our way through the “Magic Tree House” series, but apparently are missing the next book and he refuses to read them out of order. So he picked out the comic book. He had actually started it the night before when I missed bedtime in order to go to a talk at his school. This meant I started in the middle of the story with him where the world was on fire, the seas were boiling, a character used the expletive “Hell” and the narration was that the only noble thing left to for the Justice League superheroes to do was to die. Hmm, this doesn’t really seem appropriate for a 6 year old…. Luckily, he didn’t understand much of it at all. At first I tried to explain what was happening, and then I decided he was better off not knowing. It turns out the whole scenario was a dream to warn humanity not to let it get that far, but still, it was disturbing.
It made me wonder where we got the comic book in the first place. I know I didn’t pick it up. Then I realized, we got it from Eric. Both of my boys love Superman. Two years ago my oldest had a superman birthday party and this Saturday my youngest will have one. For that birthday Eric got my son what looked like a collector’s edition Superman action figure that came with this comic book. Of course, the action figure was soon ripped out of the box, destroying any collector’s value, but we didn’t care about that. I guess I just stuck the comic book on the bookshelf and forgot about it.
Now I have to figure out what to do with it since he is actually reading. I tried telling him last night that it wasn’t really appropriate for him and he was really upset, he really wanted to finish it. Normally, I wouldn’t advocate reading without comprehension, but in this case, I think that is going to be my solution. I’ll let him finish “reading” it, but won’t help him figure out what’s happening. Then, I’ll hide it away somewhere until he’s older and can actually get something out of it and he’ll know not to go saying “hell” everywhere.
Thanks Eric.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
#164 Prayer
As I’m sure most parents do, we have a bedtime ritual for putting the boys to bed. After they have brushed their teeth and gone to the bathroom and gotten into pajamas we gather in their room. Each boy gets a bedtime story, then hugs and kisses and tickles before they climb into bed. Once in bed we sing them a short song that my mother used to sing to me and then we start a cd for them to listen to as they fall asleep. Our boys share a room so all of this takes place together. Last night we had a slight change to our routine.
After we sang to them but before we put the cd on, my oldest asked if he could take a minute to pray to Uncle Eric. He told us that he started crying about Eric at school and one of his friends (remember, they are 6!) told him to pray to Uncle Eric to make him feel better. So last night he closed his eyes, put his hands together and prayed. He told Uncle Eric that he loved him and missed him and hoped that he would always watch over us. He told him that he really loved playing light sabers with him. Then my youngest said he loved Uncle Eric too. Did I cry? Yes, but I managed to hold it in until I left the room.
I was both touched and saddened and dismayed all at the same time. I love that my sons remember Uncle Eric and have the comfort that he is watching over them. I hate that my son who is yet to be born won’t have those experiences. I also was upset that my son was crying at school and I didn’t know. I probably would never have known had he not decided to pray last night and tell me about it. Why aren’t you calling me with this information teacher who thinks my sweet boy is a discipline problem????
I am also grateful to the little girl who had the presence of mind to suggest a solution that made my son feel better and gave him something he can continue to do to make himself feel better. If only that worked for me.
After we sang to them but before we put the cd on, my oldest asked if he could take a minute to pray to Uncle Eric. He told us that he started crying about Eric at school and one of his friends (remember, they are 6!) told him to pray to Uncle Eric to make him feel better. So last night he closed his eyes, put his hands together and prayed. He told Uncle Eric that he loved him and missed him and hoped that he would always watch over us. He told him that he really loved playing light sabers with him. Then my youngest said he loved Uncle Eric too. Did I cry? Yes, but I managed to hold it in until I left the room.
I was both touched and saddened and dismayed all at the same time. I love that my sons remember Uncle Eric and have the comfort that he is watching over them. I hate that my son who is yet to be born won’t have those experiences. I also was upset that my son was crying at school and I didn’t know. I probably would never have known had he not decided to pray last night and tell me about it. Why aren’t you calling me with this information teacher who thinks my sweet boy is a discipline problem????
I am also grateful to the little girl who had the presence of mind to suggest a solution that made my son feel better and gave him something he can continue to do to make himself feel better. If only that worked for me.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
#163 Terror
Yesterday’s post was about Las Vegas and it’s replicas of famous world tourist sites. I expressed my desire to see the originals, in their original locations and my non-desire to see the Vegas interpretations. Although I might be changing my mind….
There is now a very non-specific terror alert about travel to Europe. It basically just says be careful and possibly avoid public transportation. Hmm. I’m glad I don’t have any trips scheduled to Europe right now. If I did, would I cancel? Would I go anyway? How can you know what to do with such a vague warning?
As far as I know there is no such alert about travel to Las Vegas. And the sites there are much closer together. Instead of taking a train or plane between Venice and Paris, you can take a cab. I don’t know, maybe you can even walk! Sounding any better? No, not to me either.
On September 11, 2001 Eric was in Riyadh on business. In order to get there he had to lie about his religion on his visa application. He hadn’t converted to Christianity yet and was still officially Jewish. He didn’t mind lying; I minded that he had to.
Religion has caused so much strife and pain and death in this world, it’s amazing it still has so many adherents. And yet so many people find peace and hope and comfort in it.
I will feel better when we no longer have to worry about terror alerts or lying about who we are and where we come from for any reason.
There is now a very non-specific terror alert about travel to Europe. It basically just says be careful and possibly avoid public transportation. Hmm. I’m glad I don’t have any trips scheduled to Europe right now. If I did, would I cancel? Would I go anyway? How can you know what to do with such a vague warning?
As far as I know there is no such alert about travel to Las Vegas. And the sites there are much closer together. Instead of taking a train or plane between Venice and Paris, you can take a cab. I don’t know, maybe you can even walk! Sounding any better? No, not to me either.
On September 11, 2001 Eric was in Riyadh on business. In order to get there he had to lie about his religion on his visa application. He hadn’t converted to Christianity yet and was still officially Jewish. He didn’t mind lying; I minded that he had to.
Religion has caused so much strife and pain and death in this world, it’s amazing it still has so many adherents. And yet so many people find peace and hope and comfort in it.
I will feel better when we no longer have to worry about terror alerts or lying about who we are and where we come from for any reason.
Monday, October 4, 2010
#162 It's Vegas, baby!
I read an article in Sunday’s New York Times about the troubles Las Vegas is having. The recession has hit them hard and they are seeing no signs of recovery. Nevada and Las Vegas have an over 14% unemployment rate and fewer and fewer people seem willing to gamble away their hard earned money.
I have never been a gambler. It’s just not fun for me. If I’m going to give someone my money I’d rather get something in return, like a massage or a fine wine. I understand that some people get a thrill from it, my husband is one of them, but I have never really understood Las Vegas. If I want to see the Eiffel Tower, I want to see the real one, in Paris. Ditto for the pyramids and Venice. I never understood the allure of the city for Eric. But then again, I didn’t have to.
I wonder how Eric would be doing there now. Would he still be employed? Would he still be interested in learning about an industry that is sunk in the doldrums? He probably would be, he’d probably think he could single handedly turn it all around. And he might be right.
We’ll never know. And that makes me really sad.
I have never been a gambler. It’s just not fun for me. If I’m going to give someone my money I’d rather get something in return, like a massage or a fine wine. I understand that some people get a thrill from it, my husband is one of them, but I have never really understood Las Vegas. If I want to see the Eiffel Tower, I want to see the real one, in Paris. Ditto for the pyramids and Venice. I never understood the allure of the city for Eric. But then again, I didn’t have to.
I wonder how Eric would be doing there now. Would he still be employed? Would he still be interested in learning about an industry that is sunk in the doldrums? He probably would be, he’d probably think he could single handedly turn it all around. And he might be right.
We’ll never know. And that makes me really sad.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
#161 The Apprentice
I may be revealing a little bit more about myself in this blog than I originally intended. It seems my TV viewing habits are creeping in more and more. I have already written posts inspired by “Parenthood” and “Master Chef”; today I’ll add another TV inspired post. Today’s post is brought to you by “The Apprentice”. Ok, not really, if Donald Trump were actually sponsoring me I’m sure I’d have a much more lavish (or garish) web design. But I did watch the show last night and it made me think of Eric.
I like “The Apprentice” because Donald Trump calls it like it is. He doesn’t take any BS, he sees through people’s lame excuses and he makes people accountable. It’s easy to see why he’s successful. His show pits teams of hopeful future Trump employees against each other in different types of business challenges—marketing, running a business, sales, etc—and each week someone is fired until there is just one left. Eric belongs on this show.
I don’t know why it hit me more last night than any other time I’ve watched, but it did. The show I watched last night featured a battle between 2 male teammates, a very well educated, but inexperienced lawyer and an unemployed salesman who did very well until the economy tanked. The lawyer was very analytical and cold and without a sense of how things work in the real world. He blew off the business owner who was judging his task because he needed to get his plan completed. The salesman was brash and loud and over the top, but was willing to pitch in to get the task completed and had more common sense. He was very argumentative and easily alienated people who might have been his allies. I think Eric might have been a good combination of the two.
Eric was a very well educated lawyer. He also was a team player and always willing to pitch in and go above and beyond. He was incredibly good at impressing his co-workers and superiors and was able to make himself heard without being loud and obnoxious.
As a child Donald Trump was one of Eric’s idols. I always thought he would end up on Wall Street. Life takes us in different directions though and it turned out that’s not where Eric’s interests lay. I still think he would have made an awesome Apprentice though.
I like “The Apprentice” because Donald Trump calls it like it is. He doesn’t take any BS, he sees through people’s lame excuses and he makes people accountable. It’s easy to see why he’s successful. His show pits teams of hopeful future Trump employees against each other in different types of business challenges—marketing, running a business, sales, etc—and each week someone is fired until there is just one left. Eric belongs on this show.
I don’t know why it hit me more last night than any other time I’ve watched, but it did. The show I watched last night featured a battle between 2 male teammates, a very well educated, but inexperienced lawyer and an unemployed salesman who did very well until the economy tanked. The lawyer was very analytical and cold and without a sense of how things work in the real world. He blew off the business owner who was judging his task because he needed to get his plan completed. The salesman was brash and loud and over the top, but was willing to pitch in to get the task completed and had more common sense. He was very argumentative and easily alienated people who might have been his allies. I think Eric might have been a good combination of the two.
Eric was a very well educated lawyer. He also was a team player and always willing to pitch in and go above and beyond. He was incredibly good at impressing his co-workers and superiors and was able to make himself heard without being loud and obnoxious.
As a child Donald Trump was one of Eric’s idols. I always thought he would end up on Wall Street. Life takes us in different directions though and it turned out that’s not where Eric’s interests lay. I still think he would have made an awesome Apprentice though.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
#160 XO does not mean hugs and kisses
A couple of years ago for Chanukah we got out boys an XO laptop computer. This is an incredibly durable laptop made for use in third world countries. The goal of the company, One Laptop per Child, is to get computers in the hands of children who might not otherwise get them. If you buy one during the holiday season, they will donate one to a child in a developing country. At the time my oldest was 5 and my youngest was 2 and we thought they would have fun playing with it and develop some computer skills at the same time…at least the 5 year old would anyway.
We didn’t know that Eric had also bought one for himself. He liked how small and lightweight it was as well as liking the company’s mission. He used it as an e-book reader during flights.
We didn’t realize (at least I didn’t) that it would come with a wholly foreign operating system that 2 years later I still don’t know how to work.
That Thanksgiving Eric was busy showing his off and our oldest was clearly enthralled. I was relieved, thinking that between my husband and Eric we could make this thing work. We hadn’t given ours to the boys yet, so they didn’t know they were getting one, but I was glad they liked Eric’s.
Well, my oldest never really did get into that computer, but my youngest loves it. He’ll turn 4 in about a week and he calls it his “website”. He puts a lot of things on it, such as rocks he finds outside. Today he was busy putting “My Baby Can Read” on his website, a product they are fascinated with from the commercials.
My oldest prefers a laptop with Windows where he can go to his favorite actual websites and play the games he likes.
I dread when my youngest pulls out the XO because I still don’t know how to work it. Usually I can blunder my way to a screen that will allow him to type which keeps him happy, but this is harder than you might think.
Eric, I need your help. There is a “website” here that needs your expertise. And some nephews who need your own special brand of eccentric. And a sister who misses it all.
We didn’t know that Eric had also bought one for himself. He liked how small and lightweight it was as well as liking the company’s mission. He used it as an e-book reader during flights.
We didn’t realize (at least I didn’t) that it would come with a wholly foreign operating system that 2 years later I still don’t know how to work.
That Thanksgiving Eric was busy showing his off and our oldest was clearly enthralled. I was relieved, thinking that between my husband and Eric we could make this thing work. We hadn’t given ours to the boys yet, so they didn’t know they were getting one, but I was glad they liked Eric’s.
Well, my oldest never really did get into that computer, but my youngest loves it. He’ll turn 4 in about a week and he calls it his “website”. He puts a lot of things on it, such as rocks he finds outside. Today he was busy putting “My Baby Can Read” on his website, a product they are fascinated with from the commercials.
My oldest prefers a laptop with Windows where he can go to his favorite actual websites and play the games he likes.
I dread when my youngest pulls out the XO because I still don’t know how to work it. Usually I can blunder my way to a screen that will allow him to type which keeps him happy, but this is harder than you might think.
Eric, I need your help. There is a “website” here that needs your expertise. And some nephews who need your own special brand of eccentric. And a sister who misses it all.
Friday, October 1, 2010
#159 School Days
Eric was a terror in school. Actually he was a terror out of school as well when he was little, but this post is about school. He was always very bright, but not always the best behaved. At then end of every school year my mother would go to a specialty chocolate shop and buy his teacher a big chocolate aspirin with a note that said, “From your headache.”
A couple of nights ago I got a call from my 6 year old’s first grade teacher. Can you believe my pride and joy, my amazing firstborn, my brilliant, self proclaimed genius child is a discipline problem?? It is apparently so.
He talks too much. I have no idea where he gets that from (please insert sarcasm). He talks over the teacher and disrupts the class. She had to move him next to an empty desk to try and cut down on the talking. He also has trouble keeping his hands to himself when walking in the hallways and touches the walls, the bulletin boards and the other students. His teacher didn’t want to always be nagging him and become a negative influence on him, so I guess I have to. After all, that is kind of my job.
As you can imagine, I was mortified to get the phone call, but still glad that she called to tell me what was going on. Now I just have to figure out how to help him behave.
Mom? Any suggestions?
Other than the discipline issues, my son is doing well in school. Academically and socially we have no issues. I guess I’ll just console myself with the thought that even though Eric’s behavior was less than stellar in his grade school years he still made it to Harvard and beyond. Maybe his nephew will too.
After I finish beating him.
Just kidding! I guess I need to start looking for a specialty chocolate shop....
A couple of nights ago I got a call from my 6 year old’s first grade teacher. Can you believe my pride and joy, my amazing firstborn, my brilliant, self proclaimed genius child is a discipline problem?? It is apparently so.
He talks too much. I have no idea where he gets that from (please insert sarcasm). He talks over the teacher and disrupts the class. She had to move him next to an empty desk to try and cut down on the talking. He also has trouble keeping his hands to himself when walking in the hallways and touches the walls, the bulletin boards and the other students. His teacher didn’t want to always be nagging him and become a negative influence on him, so I guess I have to. After all, that is kind of my job.
As you can imagine, I was mortified to get the phone call, but still glad that she called to tell me what was going on. Now I just have to figure out how to help him behave.
Mom? Any suggestions?
Other than the discipline issues, my son is doing well in school. Academically and socially we have no issues. I guess I’ll just console myself with the thought that even though Eric’s behavior was less than stellar in his grade school years he still made it to Harvard and beyond. Maybe his nephew will too.
After I finish beating him.
Just kidding! I guess I need to start looking for a specialty chocolate shop....
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