#158 It's a .....

Eric was a fan of big families. He and Katie planned to have a brood. He was always emailing me hints to go for the third and once sent me an article that said families with sisters were healthier. The sister apparently cares for everyone and keeps the family more cohesive.




As far as Eric knew, we were done having children. We were actually trying for number three before he died, but keeping it very hush hush. We have had difficulties getting and keeping pregnancies in the past and were just keeping it to ourselves until there was something to tell.



Part of what spurred me on to have three kids was the thought of finally having a daughter. I’ve always wanted three kids, and I’ve always wanted daughters, but alas I will never have one.



We found out yesterday that baby number three is another boy.



There are different kinds of loss in life. There is the loss of something or someone well known and loved, like the loss of Eric. There is the loss of a new beginning, something longed for and dearly wanted but barely known, like our miscarriages. Then there is the loss of a dream. The perfect fantasy world that exists in my head with pink bows and party dresses and never any teenage discord just isn’t going to happen. Of course it wouldn’t have been all shared confidences and mother-daughter spa weekends, but now I’ll never know what it could have been like.



I already love this baby and that love will only continue to grow as he does. I am grateful that yesterday’s ultrasound showed him to be healthy in every way they measure. But I will always miss my girl.



And no, we’re not going for number four.