#154 Scattered

Scattering ashes is not like it looks on TV or in the movies. Obviously, the emotional component is different. Even if you are crying during that moment in the movie (as I usually am), it’s completely different when it’s your loved one who’s ashes are in that box.




In fiction, a person usually reaches in, grabs a handful of ashes and lets the wind scatter it from his or her hand. In real life, first there is a thick plastic bag that needs to be cut open. This isn’t easy, especially if you didn’t realize you’d need a cutting tool and you are shaking with emotion. Then there is the knowledge that you don’t really want to touch the ashes, you can hardly believe the person you love has been reduced to ashes, and yet you still don’t want to touch them. So you scatter them by shaking the plastic bag. But if the wind is wrong they can end up on your shoes. Of if there is no wind there is just a big pile at your feet which somehow defeats the purpose of the “scattering”. For me, at least, there was a lot of pressure to do this “right”, to properly honor Eric.



And there are a lot of ashes--a surprising amount for a relatively small person. You don’t want to leave any behind, but you also can only take the scattering for so long. You certainly don’t want to do it again, or have left-overs, so you persevere, or you make someone else finish it for you. It’s not easy.



We had Eric’s ashes split into two portions. We scattered some of them in the Las Vegas mountains. We drove up a winding road in two cars, my parents and husband and I in one and Katie and her Mom in another. When we reached a scenic view point we pulled off to do our scattering. I hadn’t thought about there being other people there. We walked forward so others were behind us and we could pretend they weren’t there and we each took turns. There wasn’t much wind so you could see the ashes building up on the stony ground. Then we got back in the car and drove back to town. My tears were flowing the whole time.



The second portion of the ashes were scattered in my parent’s backyard. We did this on his birthday. This is when I really remember thinking how many ashes there were. I just couldn’t scatter anymore, couldn’t deal with the finality. I did a little and gave the rest to my parents.



I still feel this was a good and proper way to honor Eric, I like knowing that his remains are in places that he loved to be. It was just so incredibly hard. And one more instance in which cinema and television didn’t prepare me for real life.