#135 Surprise!

I have written repeatedly in this space about not being ready, able or willing to move on; and yet the world keeps moving on, it stops for no one. I keep working and parenting and playing and doing what needs to be done. Nothing quite says moving on like having a baby though, and that is what I am getting ready to do. Yes, you read that correctly. I am 15 weeks pregnant today and am expecting to meet this little one at the end of February.



I am really excited about this and so is my husband and our families. My kids are excited too--although I think it will wear off quickly once the baby is actually here; especially for my 3 year old who is a huge Mama’s boy. My oldest wants a sister and my youngest wants a brother, I’m with the 6 year old, although really, I’ll just take healthy.

Although we are excited, there is a large part of me that is also sad. Eric will never know his new niece or nephew. My third child will never know Eric. This child will certainly know of Eric, there are pictures of him all over my house, but that is different from really knowing him. And that is really hard to accept.


Some days it just feels like Eric is on an extended vacation to somewhere wild and primitive where there is no internet or cell service. Other days the finality of his loss kicks in. It really hits me when I think about having this baby without Eric. No more goofy newborn pictures, no more crazy naming suggestions. (For my last child he went with a medical theme suggesting Bandage or Clamp)


I don’t want to move on and yet it’s happening anyway. That’s what life does.