I am feeling like the weather today—grey and dreary. Does anyone else get affected by the weather like this? I remember when I first started at Northwestern and there were signs everywhere telling us to watch out for S.A.D.; Seasonal Affective Disorder. Apparently the grey Chicago weather can cause seasonal depression. I didn’t fall prey to it then, and I don’t really think I’m responding to the weather now, but it makes you think.
I know Eric did not have this problem. How do I know this? Because Eric transcended climate. That’s right. Those are his words. Only Eric would wear footie pajamas in the middle of the summer in New Jersey—and possibly Thailand. Did he have footie pajamas then?
When we commented that he would be too hot, he uttered his famous phrase about transcending climate. He was an individual and a little thing like the weather wasn’t going to cramp his style.
So I’m going to try and transcend my grey mood today, even though I think it is caused more by fatigue and emotional stress than the actual weather. I’m going to put on a happy face and transcend it all.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
#217 I have a case of the Mondays
It’s Monday.
I’m catching up from the holiday weekend.
I’m about to start tech week for “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”.
Have I mentioned I’m 27 weeks pregnant?
The big anniversary is coming up in a week and a half.
I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and uninspired at the moment.
Sorry I don’t have more for today.
I’m catching up from the holiday weekend.
I’m about to start tech week for “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”.
Have I mentioned I’m 27 weeks pregnant?
The big anniversary is coming up in a week and a half.
I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and uninspired at the moment.
Sorry I don’t have more for today.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
#216 Castles
In the guest bathroom at my parents’ house hangs a frame with three prints of English castles. I don’t think I have been to any of those particular castles, but it made me remember a visit to a castle with Eric that I had forgotten.
Eric had a summer internship in London and I went to visit him there. I had just started dating my husband and I spent the entire flight over there listening to love songs and re-reading a letter he had written me. I still have that letter. I had no idea how serious we would eventually become, but I was in the throes of new love.
Eric and I had many adventures all over London and the near English countryside, but one of the funniest was a visit we took to a ruin of a castle. I don’t remember which one it was, it was ruined enough to not have a roof, or furniture or real walls separating most of the rooms; but not so ruined that it wasn’t part of the tourist scene. Eric and I splurged on the hand-held tour devices so we would have some idea of what we were looking at. The best way I can put it is; they didn’t help.
Eric and I are reasonably intelligent and educated people. He was a student at Harvard at the time, I had just graduated from Northwestern, and we couldn’t figure this out. I’m not sure I can truly convey the sense of hilarity we felt as the recorded voice told us to turn left and walk straight and we were facing a wall. Or another time when the very stiff upper lip British male voice told us to go right and up the stairs and the only thing there was a hole in the wall with quite a steep drop. I don’t think Eric and I learned anything about that castle, or castles in general, but we laughed until we dropped making fun of the recorded tour and creating our own.
Eric could help you find the fun in anything. I could easily see getting frustrated at a tour that I had paid extra for that was completely useless; but with Eric it was all part of the experience. And it actually made it a better experience.
I really miss that.
Eric had a summer internship in London and I went to visit him there. I had just started dating my husband and I spent the entire flight over there listening to love songs and re-reading a letter he had written me. I still have that letter. I had no idea how serious we would eventually become, but I was in the throes of new love.
Eric and I had many adventures all over London and the near English countryside, but one of the funniest was a visit we took to a ruin of a castle. I don’t remember which one it was, it was ruined enough to not have a roof, or furniture or real walls separating most of the rooms; but not so ruined that it wasn’t part of the tourist scene. Eric and I splurged on the hand-held tour devices so we would have some idea of what we were looking at. The best way I can put it is; they didn’t help.
Eric and I are reasonably intelligent and educated people. He was a student at Harvard at the time, I had just graduated from Northwestern, and we couldn’t figure this out. I’m not sure I can truly convey the sense of hilarity we felt as the recorded voice told us to turn left and walk straight and we were facing a wall. Or another time when the very stiff upper lip British male voice told us to go right and up the stairs and the only thing there was a hole in the wall with quite a steep drop. I don’t think Eric and I learned anything about that castle, or castles in general, but we laughed until we dropped making fun of the recorded tour and creating our own.
Eric could help you find the fun in anything. I could easily see getting frustrated at a tour that I had paid extra for that was completely useless; but with Eric it was all part of the experience. And it actually made it a better experience.
I really miss that.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
#215 Reminders
The hand he made for my mother for mother’s day 2009. “Eric age 32”.
His bathrobe still hanging in the guest bathroom.
His shampoo in the shower.
A drawer full of his odds and ends.
A mix cd with his handwriting.
The reindeer skin rug my father got as a gift. We always argued over its name, my mother and I preferring Sven; Eric preferring Bob.
Friday, November 26, 2010
#214 It's over
I’m not going to lie. Yesterday was kind of brutal. We all had our game faces on and talked and ate, but it wasn’t even close to the same. And we all knew it. And we were all thinking it.
My dad made a beautiful toast before dinner that made us cry. We decided to forego our usual tradition of going around the table saying what we were thankful for because, well, it would have just been too hard. I did do it with my kids as I put them to bed though.
I learned that if I stay busy and distracted and annoyed I can avoid feeling emotional and sad. This also tends to alienate my husband and kids, though, so I don’t really think it’s a healthy long-term coping strategy. Sorry guys.
There was a big hole in the middle of our celebration and I think the only things that got us through were our sense of tradition and the antics of my kids. It’s always easier to watch a 4 year old push his almost 7 year old brother on a tire swing than think about what’s missing.
I took one picture yesterday. One. Usually I get a whole album out of the day.
I drank yesterday. Sorry, baby. I thought I needed it emotionally, but really it just ended up making me feel sick and sad.
My husband stepped into Eric’s shoes and made “cocktails” for the boys. They loved it, but they didn’t appreciate how hard it was for him to take on that role that belonged to Eric. I do and I love him even more for it.
The first Thanksgiving without him is over. Somehow we made it through. I’m already dreading next year.
My dad made a beautiful toast before dinner that made us cry. We decided to forego our usual tradition of going around the table saying what we were thankful for because, well, it would have just been too hard. I did do it with my kids as I put them to bed though.
I learned that if I stay busy and distracted and annoyed I can avoid feeling emotional and sad. This also tends to alienate my husband and kids, though, so I don’t really think it’s a healthy long-term coping strategy. Sorry guys.
There was a big hole in the middle of our celebration and I think the only things that got us through were our sense of tradition and the antics of my kids. It’s always easier to watch a 4 year old push his almost 7 year old brother on a tire swing than think about what’s missing.
I took one picture yesterday. One. Usually I get a whole album out of the day.
I drank yesterday. Sorry, baby. I thought I needed it emotionally, but really it just ended up making me feel sick and sad.
My husband stepped into Eric’s shoes and made “cocktails” for the boys. They loved it, but they didn’t appreciate how hard it was for him to take on that role that belonged to Eric. I do and I love him even more for it.
The first Thanksgiving without him is over. Somehow we made it through. I’m already dreading next year.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
#213 Thanksgiving
I am thankful for the 32 11/12 years I had with Eric.
I am thankful that we had a close relationship.
I am thankful that he knew I loved him.
I am thankful for my amazing family. My precocious children, my understanding and amazingly supportive husband, my resilient and loving parents, my incredible in-laws and extended family.
I am thankful for the baby growing inside of me.
I am thankful for my friends, both near and far.
I am thankful for the ability to blog and express myself.
I am thankful for my readers.
I am having a tough time feeling thankful this year, but all of the above is true. I was hoping that by writing it I would feel it more, but no such luck so far. It’s not even 8:00 on Thanksgiving morning though, so maybe I’ll feel it before day’s end.
I am thankful that we had a close relationship.
I am thankful that he knew I loved him.
I am thankful for my amazing family. My precocious children, my understanding and amazingly supportive husband, my resilient and loving parents, my incredible in-laws and extended family.
I am thankful for the baby growing inside of me.
I am thankful for my friends, both near and far.
I am thankful for the ability to blog and express myself.
I am thankful for my readers.
I am having a tough time feeling thankful this year, but all of the above is true. I was hoping that by writing it I would feel it more, but no such luck so far. It’s not even 8:00 on Thanksgiving morning though, so maybe I’ll feel it before day’s end.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
#212 The Human Mind
The human mind is an amazing thing. No matter how much we know something is the truth, we still have the capacity for denial.
I should know as well as anyone how quickly and randomly bad things can happen. I am a physician. True, I am an ophthalmologist and don’t come into contact with many life or death issues anymore, but I have worked in ERs and ICUs. I have seen my share of death and heartbroken relatives. And of course there is Eric. Nothing could have been more shocking and unexpected than that.
Still, our minds protect us and tell us we are in this inviolable bubble. For example, I know that being pregnant I need to be careful on long car trips and make sure I get out and stretch my legs every couple of hours to try and avoid a clot forming. Still, my first impulse is to ignore the messages from my bladder and see how far we can get before stopping. Dumb.
There are some things we can alter, such as ignoring that first impulse and making sure the leg muscles get worked. Then there is fate--all of the things that can’t be foreseen and therefore can’t be prevented.
A coworker recently told me the story of a friend of a friend who was involved in a car accident. This woman and her husband had tried for years to become pregnant and were finally successful. She was in her eighth month. They were leaving a party at a friend’s house and someone else was going way too fast around a curve and hit them head on. The baby died immediately. Mom and Dad were injured, but have survived. There is nothing they could have done to avoid that, but I’m sure they have asked themselves repeatedly what would have happened had they left 5 minutes earlier or 5 minutes later.
I guess that is why we live with such capacity for denial. So we aren’t paralyzed into inaction because of all the things we can’t avoid. Still, I have to actively remember that bad things can happen and that I should take all the precautions I can. You’d think, after Eric, it wouldn’t be that hard.
I should know as well as anyone how quickly and randomly bad things can happen. I am a physician. True, I am an ophthalmologist and don’t come into contact with many life or death issues anymore, but I have worked in ERs and ICUs. I have seen my share of death and heartbroken relatives. And of course there is Eric. Nothing could have been more shocking and unexpected than that.
Still, our minds protect us and tell us we are in this inviolable bubble. For example, I know that being pregnant I need to be careful on long car trips and make sure I get out and stretch my legs every couple of hours to try and avoid a clot forming. Still, my first impulse is to ignore the messages from my bladder and see how far we can get before stopping. Dumb.
There are some things we can alter, such as ignoring that first impulse and making sure the leg muscles get worked. Then there is fate--all of the things that can’t be foreseen and therefore can’t be prevented.
A coworker recently told me the story of a friend of a friend who was involved in a car accident. This woman and her husband had tried for years to become pregnant and were finally successful. She was in her eighth month. They were leaving a party at a friend’s house and someone else was going way too fast around a curve and hit them head on. The baby died immediately. Mom and Dad were injured, but have survived. There is nothing they could have done to avoid that, but I’m sure they have asked themselves repeatedly what would have happened had they left 5 minutes earlier or 5 minutes later.
I guess that is why we live with such capacity for denial. So we aren’t paralyzed into inaction because of all the things we can’t avoid. Still, I have to actively remember that bad things can happen and that I should take all the precautions I can. You’d think, after Eric, it wouldn’t be that hard.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
#211 A Moment of Joy
This afternoon we leave for Savannah to start our Thanksgiving holiday. In the spirit of yesterday’s blog, I’m going to try and stay positive. I’m going to try and really embody the spirit of Thanksgiving this week.
So far I am thankful that we are mostly packed (only shoes and toiletries to go) even though I REALLY didn’t feel like packing yesterday.
I am thankful that we are driving and not flying and hopeful that the TSA will refine their groping techniques by the time we need to fly at Christmas.
I am thankful that my older son got up easily and quietly this morning and managed not to wake his still sleeping brother.
I am thankful that my younger son woke up happy and not upset that his brother had already left for school.
It’s early yet, but I did have a wonderful moment of joy today. As my younger son and I were cuddling before I left for work he started talking to his younger brother. He addressed my belly and said, “Hi baby brother, I’m your big brother. Don’t be scared. I love you baby brother.” Then he started addressing the baby as Joseph. Not sure where that came from, but wow was it cute.
I still miss Eric, I’ll always miss Eric, but I’m going to try to not let that overshadow the holiday for me.
So far I am thankful that we are mostly packed (only shoes and toiletries to go) even though I REALLY didn’t feel like packing yesterday.
I am thankful that we are driving and not flying and hopeful that the TSA will refine their groping techniques by the time we need to fly at Christmas.
I am thankful that my older son got up easily and quietly this morning and managed not to wake his still sleeping brother.
I am thankful that my younger son woke up happy and not upset that his brother had already left for school.
It’s early yet, but I did have a wonderful moment of joy today. As my younger son and I were cuddling before I left for work he started talking to his younger brother. He addressed my belly and said, “Hi baby brother, I’m your big brother. Don’t be scared. I love you baby brother.” Then he started addressing the baby as Joseph. Not sure where that came from, but wow was it cute.
I still miss Eric, I’ll always miss Eric, but I’m going to try to not let that overshadow the holiday for me.
Monday, November 22, 2010
#210 Activities of Daily Living
210 blogs. 210 days of writing and posting and hoping you’ll read. What have you done everyday without fail for the last 210 days? I can say I have brushed my teeth and my hair. I have washed my face, but not necessarily showered all of those days. I have gone to sleep and woken up and eaten. I have (hopefully) hugged my kids and husband and told them that I love them. Other than that I’m not sure.
I don’t work everyday. I probably watch some TV everyday. I probably check my email and facebook everyday. I usually talk to my mom on the phone everyday, but we do miss some days here and there.
I think about Eric everyday. More than just during the time it takes me to write a blog and get it posted. I think about him a lot. Some days more than others, lately almost non-stop it seems. It’s all starting to feel unreal again. Impossible. Unbelievable. Unimaginable.
I worry everyday. About my kids, my husband, my parents, myself. About money and jobs and life.
I need to find ways to find joy every day. To make sure I appreciate what I have while I have it. Because it could all be gone in the blink of an eye.
That’s a good thing to think about this Thanksgiving week. Better than perseverating on loss. I’m going to work on that.
I don’t work everyday. I probably watch some TV everyday. I probably check my email and facebook everyday. I usually talk to my mom on the phone everyday, but we do miss some days here and there.
I think about Eric everyday. More than just during the time it takes me to write a blog and get it posted. I think about him a lot. Some days more than others, lately almost non-stop it seems. It’s all starting to feel unreal again. Impossible. Unbelievable. Unimaginable.
I worry everyday. About my kids, my husband, my parents, myself. About money and jobs and life.
I need to find ways to find joy every day. To make sure I appreciate what I have while I have it. Because it could all be gone in the blink of an eye.
That’s a good thing to think about this Thanksgiving week. Better than perseverating on loss. I’m going to work on that.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
#209 Race Season
It seems to be the season for races. I know they go on all year round, but lately I have been hearing more about them. Locally we have the Turkey Trot, the Jingle Jog and the Thunder Road Marathon that comes right by my house all in the next couple of weeks.
I have turned into a spoil sport when it comes to races. I have never been a runner. I don’t enjoy it, but I never really minded that others did. In fact I would cheer on my friends and Eric for going out there and getting it done. Five days after my youngest son was born I was out there cheering on my husband in a 5K.
No more. I have made my husband promise that he will get a full physical before he attempts any running again. He has chosen to pursue other forms of exercise. I am fearful for my friends who run. I am fearful for the strangers I see on the side of the streets jogging.
I know I have written about this before, but I can’t seem to get over it. It no longer seems like a healthy endeavor to me. It is now fraught with unseen peril.
I will not be able to stop the running, but I am going to do my best to ignore it. I wonder how Eric would feel about this. Running was an activity he loved. I have a suspicion he wouldn’t want me to feel this way, but I can’t help it. Running took him away from me. I can’t come to terms with that.
I have turned into a spoil sport when it comes to races. I have never been a runner. I don’t enjoy it, but I never really minded that others did. In fact I would cheer on my friends and Eric for going out there and getting it done. Five days after my youngest son was born I was out there cheering on my husband in a 5K.
No more. I have made my husband promise that he will get a full physical before he attempts any running again. He has chosen to pursue other forms of exercise. I am fearful for my friends who run. I am fearful for the strangers I see on the side of the streets jogging.
I know I have written about this before, but I can’t seem to get over it. It no longer seems like a healthy endeavor to me. It is now fraught with unseen peril.
I will not be able to stop the running, but I am going to do my best to ignore it. I wonder how Eric would feel about this. Running was an activity he loved. I have a suspicion he wouldn’t want me to feel this way, but I can’t help it. Running took him away from me. I can’t come to terms with that.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
#208 Sleep-overs
My oldest son had his first sleep-over last night. At our house. And it actually went pretty well. He and his friend had been pestering me for weeks about having a sleep-over so I finally overcame my trepidation and set it up. I feel like we have reached a huge milestone. My son is growing up.
My husband picked up the boys from school and they played at our house all afternoon. We attempted to put them to bed around 7:15, our normal bed time, but knew they wouldn’t fall asleep even close to then. The hardest part was keeping my youngest out of the room with the older boys. Normally my two boys share a room and this might have been the first night the little one can remember that they didn’t. All boys were asleep in the proper locations by 10:00 and I thought that was pretty good. I know the older boys told stories and played and goofed off and did everything they were supposed to do at a sleep-over.
This morning they had waffles for breakfast and the other child was just picked up to go home. Both boys were sad at their parting, which tells me our adventure was a success. That and the fact that I got to sleep through the night.
I know I had plenty of sleep-overs as a child and my friends and I delighted in seeing how late we could stay up. I’m not sure what we did with all that time, but it wasn’t a good sleepover unless we could barely keep our eyes open the next day.
Eric, on the other hand, actually slept at his sleep-overs; something I never understood. I mean, what’s the point of having a friend come spend the entire night at your house if you are just going to sleep?? Eric always fell asleep early and I guess he felt no need to change for a sleep-over. I wonder if his guests felt short-changed.
Oh well, one more milestone down for boy number one. Many many more to go for him and the others.
My husband picked up the boys from school and they played at our house all afternoon. We attempted to put them to bed around 7:15, our normal bed time, but knew they wouldn’t fall asleep even close to then. The hardest part was keeping my youngest out of the room with the older boys. Normally my two boys share a room and this might have been the first night the little one can remember that they didn’t. All boys were asleep in the proper locations by 10:00 and I thought that was pretty good. I know the older boys told stories and played and goofed off and did everything they were supposed to do at a sleep-over.
This morning they had waffles for breakfast and the other child was just picked up to go home. Both boys were sad at their parting, which tells me our adventure was a success. That and the fact that I got to sleep through the night.
I know I had plenty of sleep-overs as a child and my friends and I delighted in seeing how late we could stay up. I’m not sure what we did with all that time, but it wasn’t a good sleepover unless we could barely keep our eyes open the next day.
Eric, on the other hand, actually slept at his sleep-overs; something I never understood. I mean, what’s the point of having a friend come spend the entire night at your house if you are just going to sleep?? Eric always fell asleep early and I guess he felt no need to change for a sleep-over. I wonder if his guests felt short-changed.
Oh well, one more milestone down for boy number one. Many many more to go for him and the others.
Friday, November 19, 2010
#207 Pre-holiday blues
Usually at this time of year I’m in a frenzy of anticipation. More than Chanukah, more than Christmas or New Years, Thanksgiving is my holiday. It’s not because of the food, in fact, I don’t even like turkey; it’s because of the family. This year, for obvious reasons, I’m at a loss.
By this time Eric and I have usually been conspiring for at least a month on gifts for family members. I can’t wait for the days to fly by until we are finally on our way to Savannah. I have picked out the boys’ outfits and am ready to impress the family with how handsome they will be—at least for the first five minutes until the shirts get untucked and the sweaters and shoes come off.
This year is so different and I’m not really sure how I feel. I have purchased gifts, but not with the same sense of joy. My boys have clothes to wear, but I haven’t picked out the actual outfits yet. I’ve barely planned my own. It’s not that I don’t want to see the rest of my family; it’s just that the lack of Eric is going to be so obvious.
Even my oldest son is noticing it. I was trying to get him excited about the holiday the other day. I asked if he knew where we were going and he said happily “Grandma and Grandpa’s house!” Then I asked if he remembered who else was coming, meaning my extended family from New York. His head dropped, his voice got quiet and he trailed off as he said, “You just reminded me……”
I know we are all going to feel something missing from our holiday this year. Instead of a time to give thanks and reconnect it feels more like something we just have to get through. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised and it will be better than I’m anticipating, but this year instead of eagerly waiting for it to begin, I’m ready for it to be over.
By this time Eric and I have usually been conspiring for at least a month on gifts for family members. I can’t wait for the days to fly by until we are finally on our way to Savannah. I have picked out the boys’ outfits and am ready to impress the family with how handsome they will be—at least for the first five minutes until the shirts get untucked and the sweaters and shoes come off.
This year is so different and I’m not really sure how I feel. I have purchased gifts, but not with the same sense of joy. My boys have clothes to wear, but I haven’t picked out the actual outfits yet. I’ve barely planned my own. It’s not that I don’t want to see the rest of my family; it’s just that the lack of Eric is going to be so obvious.
Even my oldest son is noticing it. I was trying to get him excited about the holiday the other day. I asked if he knew where we were going and he said happily “Grandma and Grandpa’s house!” Then I asked if he remembered who else was coming, meaning my extended family from New York. His head dropped, his voice got quiet and he trailed off as he said, “You just reminded me……”
I know we are all going to feel something missing from our holiday this year. Instead of a time to give thanks and reconnect it feels more like something we just have to get through. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised and it will be better than I’m anticipating, but this year instead of eagerly waiting for it to begin, I’m ready for it to be over.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
#206 T - 1 week and counting
Thanksgiving is one week from today. Loyal readers will know this is the one time of year that my whole family gathers together, the one time I was guaranteed to see Eric. Until this year.
This year he will not be there to make the boys virgin cocktails that will bubble up out of sippy cups.
This year he will not be there to take my early risers out into the backyard before everyone else is awake.
This year he will not be there to take our family picture.
This year he will not be there for our annual trip to Wal-Mart.
This year he will not be there sipping wine in the hot tub at 3pm.
This year he will not insist that we stay up to watch a movie and then fall asleep on the floor in front of the fireplace as we watch.
This year he will not make a crazy dessert combination like goldfish crackers and melted milky ways bars.
This year he will not be there to whine about the poor extent of my parents’ wireless network.
This year he will not be there to lose to my husband at golf.
This year we will all have a little trouble being thankful, despite the other good things in our lives.
But this year he will be there in all of our hearts and minds.
This year he will not be there to make the boys virgin cocktails that will bubble up out of sippy cups.
This year he will not be there to take my early risers out into the backyard before everyone else is awake.
This year he will not be there to take our family picture.
This year he will not be there for our annual trip to Wal-Mart.
This year he will not be there sipping wine in the hot tub at 3pm.
This year he will not insist that we stay up to watch a movie and then fall asleep on the floor in front of the fireplace as we watch.
This year he will not make a crazy dessert combination like goldfish crackers and melted milky ways bars.
This year he will not be there to whine about the poor extent of my parents’ wireless network.
This year he will not be there to lose to my husband at golf.
This year we will all have a little trouble being thankful, despite the other good things in our lives.
But this year he will be there in all of our hearts and minds.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
#205 Star Wars footie pajamas (again)
Every time I think I have exhausted the topic of Star Wars footie pajamas, I find something else to write about them. So although I have already written about them repeatedly, here we go again.
Those of you who have been following the blog will remember that last year for Chanukah Eric gave my sons Star Wars footie pajamas, along with light sabers and a huge pop-up Star Wars room/tent thing.
The boys loved it all, especially the pajamas. The weather is finally getting cold enough to pull out the footie pajamas and of course, they both wanted the Star Wars ones. I don’t know how old is too told for footie pajamas, but my almost 7 year old is still crazy for them and I can still find them in his size so I’m fine with it.
We tried on last year’s pajamas and my little guy’s fit. The older one’s sort of fit. He has worn them for a couple of nights but then decided not to wear them again because the sleeves ended at his mid-forearm and that wasn’t comfortable. It’s a rational decision, it makes a lot of sense, but it’s one my husband and I had a hard time with him making. Of course we aren’t going to make him wear pajamas that don’t fit right, but still it makes us sad. We’re not ready for him to be too big for a gift from Eric. We were hoping that he would get one more winter out of them.
Even though the pajamas may have been discarded, the other toys have not. He will have his first sleep over at our house this Friday night and he has already asked if he and his friend can sleep in the Star Wars tent. Yes, of course you can.
Those of you who have been following the blog will remember that last year for Chanukah Eric gave my sons Star Wars footie pajamas, along with light sabers and a huge pop-up Star Wars room/tent thing.
The boys loved it all, especially the pajamas. The weather is finally getting cold enough to pull out the footie pajamas and of course, they both wanted the Star Wars ones. I don’t know how old is too told for footie pajamas, but my almost 7 year old is still crazy for them and I can still find them in his size so I’m fine with it.
We tried on last year’s pajamas and my little guy’s fit. The older one’s sort of fit. He has worn them for a couple of nights but then decided not to wear them again because the sleeves ended at his mid-forearm and that wasn’t comfortable. It’s a rational decision, it makes a lot of sense, but it’s one my husband and I had a hard time with him making. Of course we aren’t going to make him wear pajamas that don’t fit right, but still it makes us sad. We’re not ready for him to be too big for a gift from Eric. We were hoping that he would get one more winter out of them.
Even though the pajamas may have been discarded, the other toys have not. He will have his first sleep over at our house this Friday night and he has already asked if he and his friend can sleep in the Star Wars tent. Yes, of course you can.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
#204 Facebook Friends
Every once in a while I visit Eric’s facebook page. I look to see if anyone has left him a message or just to browse through his photos. Today I found something else there. There was a link I could click on to “View you and Eric”. So I clicked it. Up came a page with a picture of the two of us (and other family members) from Thanksgiving of last year. There was a list of the 15 facebook friends we have in common and copies of conversations we had had through facebook.
There was also the understatement of the year.
“You and Eric. Facebook friends since October 2007”
Um, I guess technically that’s true, but it so understates our relationship. I mean facebook wasn’t around when we first met and even if it had been, even if the internet had been, even if home computers had been, I’m sure my parents wouldn’t have been savvy enough to use it. Or maybe they would not have wanted us on facebook since birth, after all I’m a parent in the age of facebook and neither of my children have pages and hopefully won’t for a good long while yet. Although their pictures are featured on my and my husband’s pages.
If you look at the sparse information on the “You and Eric” page, you’d think we weren’t really that close, we didn’t really know each other that well.
It just goes to show you, you can’t trust everything you see online.
There was also the understatement of the year.
“You and Eric. Facebook friends since October 2007”
Um, I guess technically that’s true, but it so understates our relationship. I mean facebook wasn’t around when we first met and even if it had been, even if the internet had been, even if home computers had been, I’m sure my parents wouldn’t have been savvy enough to use it. Or maybe they would not have wanted us on facebook since birth, after all I’m a parent in the age of facebook and neither of my children have pages and hopefully won’t for a good long while yet. Although their pictures are featured on my and my husband’s pages.
If you look at the sparse information on the “You and Eric” page, you’d think we weren’t really that close, we didn’t really know each other that well.
It just goes to show you, you can’t trust everything you see online.
Monday, November 15, 2010
#203 Chanukah approaches
Chanukah is coming up very quickly this year. It starts on December 1st, which is really early. In my family we customarily give one gift each night for a total of eight gifts. So my husband and I are scrambling to come up with gifts for the boys. I think we may have finally gotten it figured out, but it’s been making me think of Chanukahs past.
There is, of course, the infamous Chanukah when I got Eric the purple yarmulke. I wrote about that here. There was also the year my parents had the audacity to get me a book. It was a book I ultimately loved, but I did not feel that a book was an appropriate Chanukah gift and threw a fit. Sorry Mom and Dad. I’m feeling better and better all the time about this baby not being a girl…..
Eric and I used to love it when my parents would get us each a box of sugar cereal, something usually never found in our house.
My parents would place our gifts, each in our own distinct Chanukah paper, on the radiator in the dining room and Eric and I would go in and stare at them. The anticipation was amazing. Every night when my dad got home from work we would light the menorah and then choose which present to open. Such a choice! Did we choose the biggest or save that for last? Did we choose the ones which looked similar in case we got the same thing? Oh how we savored that choice.
I remember one year Eric and I went looking for our gifts before they were wrapped. And we found them. And it wasn’t nearly the same. It was the last time we ever did that.
Our Chanukahs lately have been fragmented by travel and other issues. I’m happy that it’s early this year so we will be at home for the whole thing and my kids can have some of the excitement and magic that Eric and I did. Even if it does mean I have to prepare before Thanksgiving.
We also celebrate Christmas with my in-laws every year and it’s easy for that to overshadow our much more subtle celebration of Chanukah. Hopefully this year, when they are completely separate, my boys will relish their holiday as much as their dad’s.
There is, of course, the infamous Chanukah when I got Eric the purple yarmulke. I wrote about that here. There was also the year my parents had the audacity to get me a book. It was a book I ultimately loved, but I did not feel that a book was an appropriate Chanukah gift and threw a fit. Sorry Mom and Dad. I’m feeling better and better all the time about this baby not being a girl…..
Eric and I used to love it when my parents would get us each a box of sugar cereal, something usually never found in our house.
My parents would place our gifts, each in our own distinct Chanukah paper, on the radiator in the dining room and Eric and I would go in and stare at them. The anticipation was amazing. Every night when my dad got home from work we would light the menorah and then choose which present to open. Such a choice! Did we choose the biggest or save that for last? Did we choose the ones which looked similar in case we got the same thing? Oh how we savored that choice.
I remember one year Eric and I went looking for our gifts before they were wrapped. And we found them. And it wasn’t nearly the same. It was the last time we ever did that.
Our Chanukahs lately have been fragmented by travel and other issues. I’m happy that it’s early this year so we will be at home for the whole thing and my kids can have some of the excitement and magic that Eric and I did. Even if it does mean I have to prepare before Thanksgiving.
We also celebrate Christmas with my in-laws every year and it’s easy for that to overshadow our much more subtle celebration of Chanukah. Hopefully this year, when they are completely separate, my boys will relish their holiday as much as their dad’s.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
#202 Piano recital
My oldest son had his piano recital yesterday. He has been taking piano lessons since he was 4 ½ years old in a Suzuki music program. I decided to put him in the lessons for several reasons. I want him to be a well rounded person and think he should have some art or music in his life to balance out the sports. I also just want to expose him to lots of things so he can figure out what he likes. Not insignificant in my decision making was a comment Eric made to me once.
Eric went to Harvard undergrad and once commented to me that he thought the students in his year who had Suzuki music training seemed better able to cope in certain situations. He thought their problem solving skills were better and that they approached things in a different, better way than he did. So when the opportunity arose, I took it.
My son has done well. He really enjoys it, and though we probably don’t practice as much as we should, he can play really well when he applies himself. Today’s recital contained some mistakes, but he rallied and kept going and finished strong. It’s always easier to play the piece when you are not on stage.
Unfortunately I think I ruined the video of the recital by threatening to kill my younger son. He had been very poorly behaved the whole time. He was talking and changing seats and generally being disruptive. We don’t make him stay in the auditorium for the whole recital, but my son was playing 5th and we thought he should be able to make it that long. That way both parents get to see the performance and then Daddy takes the little guy out until everyone else is done. My little guy has already proven himself capable of sitting through theatrical performances without a problem, so I don’t think our expectations were unrealistic.
As my older son got up to play and I had the camera out recording it, my younger son kept putting his program in front of my face so I couldn’t see anything. I was furious. Immediately after my older son was done performing my husband took the little guy out for a LONG time-out. He also didn’t get to go out for ice cream with us afterwards.
Our music lessons are through a local university and so the recitals aren’t just piano students. Today we also had flautists and one vocalist. As I was finally calming down from my anger with the little guy, it was the singer’s turn to perform. One of the songs she sang was “Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again” from Phantom of the Opera. It’s a song I know and like and I was enjoying her rendition when my older son leaned over and said, “Mom, doesn’t this make you think of Uncle Eric?” And, yes, yes it did. And I almost cried right there, but instead held my son’s hand and was thankful that Eric is as present in his mind as he is in mine.
Eric was there with us today in many ways. He was there as part of the inspiration for the lessons in the first place, he was there (I’m sure) in my younger son’s behavior, and he was there, as always, in our memories.
Eric went to Harvard undergrad and once commented to me that he thought the students in his year who had Suzuki music training seemed better able to cope in certain situations. He thought their problem solving skills were better and that they approached things in a different, better way than he did. So when the opportunity arose, I took it.
My son has done well. He really enjoys it, and though we probably don’t practice as much as we should, he can play really well when he applies himself. Today’s recital contained some mistakes, but he rallied and kept going and finished strong. It’s always easier to play the piece when you are not on stage.
Unfortunately I think I ruined the video of the recital by threatening to kill my younger son. He had been very poorly behaved the whole time. He was talking and changing seats and generally being disruptive. We don’t make him stay in the auditorium for the whole recital, but my son was playing 5th and we thought he should be able to make it that long. That way both parents get to see the performance and then Daddy takes the little guy out until everyone else is done. My little guy has already proven himself capable of sitting through theatrical performances without a problem, so I don’t think our expectations were unrealistic.
As my older son got up to play and I had the camera out recording it, my younger son kept putting his program in front of my face so I couldn’t see anything. I was furious. Immediately after my older son was done performing my husband took the little guy out for a LONG time-out. He also didn’t get to go out for ice cream with us afterwards.
Our music lessons are through a local university and so the recitals aren’t just piano students. Today we also had flautists and one vocalist. As I was finally calming down from my anger with the little guy, it was the singer’s turn to perform. One of the songs she sang was “Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again” from Phantom of the Opera. It’s a song I know and like and I was enjoying her rendition when my older son leaned over and said, “Mom, doesn’t this make you think of Uncle Eric?” And, yes, yes it did. And I almost cried right there, but instead held my son’s hand and was thankful that Eric is as present in his mind as he is in mine.
Eric was there with us today in many ways. He was there as part of the inspiration for the lessons in the first place, he was there (I’m sure) in my younger son’s behavior, and he was there, as always, in our memories.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
#201 Love lives on
I overheard an interesting conversation in the nail salon yesterday. Two women were talking about the death of one of their fathers. The woman whose father had died looked about my age, maybe a little older. From their conversation it was apparent that her father had been very ill before he died.
The week before he died was his 50th wedding anniversary. Another of his children is a minister and they arranged for a bedside ceremony rededicating their wedding vows. There was apparently a lot of family and friends in attendance and it sounded wonderful. The father had arranged for a jeweler to come to the house so he could pick out a gift for his wife. He really liked 2 necklaces and couldn’t decide which one to get. He ended up getting both, but only giving one to his wife for the anniversary. The other one he gave to his children to save as one final Christmas present for his wife. It has a heart on it.
This year the children have decided to take their mother to Hawaii for Christmas to try and avoid painful memories, and they are trying to decide when to give her the necklace. I guess dad was a notorious late Christmas shopper and he wrote her a note to go with the gift that he finally did his shopping early.
This is a heart-breakingly sweet story. He clearly had so much love for his wife and family, and they for him.
I don’t know how I would feel if I were the recipient of that one last gift though. On the one hand it would be incredible. On the other hand it’s a reminder of pain and loss and something that will bring it all forward again.
I tried to imagine how I would feel if I suddenly got a letter or a gift from Eric, but I can’t. And of course the circumstances are completely different.
I hope her family finds a way to give this to her with love and support and I hope it is a wonderful reminder of her love, not a re-opening of a wound that is just starting to heal.
The week before he died was his 50th wedding anniversary. Another of his children is a minister and they arranged for a bedside ceremony rededicating their wedding vows. There was apparently a lot of family and friends in attendance and it sounded wonderful. The father had arranged for a jeweler to come to the house so he could pick out a gift for his wife. He really liked 2 necklaces and couldn’t decide which one to get. He ended up getting both, but only giving one to his wife for the anniversary. The other one he gave to his children to save as one final Christmas present for his wife. It has a heart on it.
This year the children have decided to take their mother to Hawaii for Christmas to try and avoid painful memories, and they are trying to decide when to give her the necklace. I guess dad was a notorious late Christmas shopper and he wrote her a note to go with the gift that he finally did his shopping early.
This is a heart-breakingly sweet story. He clearly had so much love for his wife and family, and they for him.
I don’t know how I would feel if I were the recipient of that one last gift though. On the one hand it would be incredible. On the other hand it’s a reminder of pain and loss and something that will bring it all forward again.
I tried to imagine how I would feel if I suddenly got a letter or a gift from Eric, but I can’t. And of course the circumstances are completely different.
I hope her family finds a way to give this to her with love and support and I hope it is a wonderful reminder of her love, not a re-opening of a wound that is just starting to heal.
Friday, November 12, 2010
#200 Last words
I don’t know what Eric’s last words were. I don’t even know what his last words to me were.
I’ve always thought that last words as portrayed in books, movies and television are dramatized and overdone. It’s not like Eric knew those words were going to be his last, so it’s not like he would have attached any significance to them. Still, I’m curious what they were.
I know we didn’t end our last phone call with an “I love you”. We did that most of the time, but not always, and still I regret not doing it then. How could I know it would be the last chance I would have to tell him?
The two last comments that I will always remember (truly last they were not, but close) were one that he said to me and one that he said to my mother.
To me, he paraphrased Fiddler on the Roof and sang to me “Chaveleh, Chaveleh, how could you let me run the half-marathon little Chaveleh”. To my parents who were hosting a previously scheduled catered dinner party, he said something like, “So you are eating and drinking while Rome is burning here.” Both are such typical Eric comments.
Remember at this point we all thought he was going to be ok. None of us knew what was coming.
I like to remember him being funny and brave. It’s too painful to think about him being any other way. I believe he had no idea what happened, that it all happened while he was asleep and unaware. I can’t bear for it to be any other way.
I’ve always thought that last words as portrayed in books, movies and television are dramatized and overdone. It’s not like Eric knew those words were going to be his last, so it’s not like he would have attached any significance to them. Still, I’m curious what they were.
I know we didn’t end our last phone call with an “I love you”. We did that most of the time, but not always, and still I regret not doing it then. How could I know it would be the last chance I would have to tell him?
The two last comments that I will always remember (truly last they were not, but close) were one that he said to me and one that he said to my mother.
To me, he paraphrased Fiddler on the Roof and sang to me “Chaveleh, Chaveleh, how could you let me run the half-marathon little Chaveleh”. To my parents who were hosting a previously scheduled catered dinner party, he said something like, “So you are eating and drinking while Rome is burning here.” Both are such typical Eric comments.
Remember at this point we all thought he was going to be ok. None of us knew what was coming.
I like to remember him being funny and brave. It’s too painful to think about him being any other way. I believe he had no idea what happened, that it all happened while he was asleep and unaware. I can’t bear for it to be any other way.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
#199 Night of Beauty
Tonight my practice is hosting a “Night of Beauty”. We will be having demonstrations and discounts on different products like BOTOX, facial fillers, Obagi skin care and Latisse among others. There will also be music and food and I think it will be a good night. I’m looking forward to it and hope that we have good attendance.
I was looking forward to this event last year too, only I didn’t end up going. The event was a little later in the year last year and was the night in between Eric’s race and when we finally decided to let him go. I was in Las Vegas at his bedside.
I’m not ready for the anniversaries to start. Granted, this event was moved so it’s not really an anniversary, but it’s a reminder. I can’t believe how much time has passed. I can’t believe how much has happened that he doesn’t know about.
Time is the one constant in life. No matter how much we want it to stop rolling forward it never does. No matter how much it seems to make sense that it would all just stop, it doesn’t. And it drags us forward with it.
So while I’m looking forward to tonight and hoping that it goes well, a little part of me is held back in sadness.
It just goes to show that I can connect Eric to anything. I can even connect my make-up and jewelry averse brother, the lover of the “natural” woman, to a night dedicated to making ourselves even more beautiful through artificial means. I’m sure he would love that.
I was looking forward to this event last year too, only I didn’t end up going. The event was a little later in the year last year and was the night in between Eric’s race and when we finally decided to let him go. I was in Las Vegas at his bedside.
I’m not ready for the anniversaries to start. Granted, this event was moved so it’s not really an anniversary, but it’s a reminder. I can’t believe how much time has passed. I can’t believe how much has happened that he doesn’t know about.
Time is the one constant in life. No matter how much we want it to stop rolling forward it never does. No matter how much it seems to make sense that it would all just stop, it doesn’t. And it drags us forward with it.
So while I’m looking forward to tonight and hoping that it goes well, a little part of me is held back in sadness.
It just goes to show that I can connect Eric to anything. I can even connect my make-up and jewelry averse brother, the lover of the “natural” woman, to a night dedicated to making ourselves even more beautiful through artificial means. I’m sure he would love that.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
#198 Grammar
A few blogs ago I wrestled with my soul and decided to sell out the blog to get some free holiday cards from Shutterfly. I actually had to do it twice, here and here, because I got too anxious and didn’t wait for the instructions the first time.
The second blog apparently met the qualifications for earning the cards because this is the title of the email I got from Shutterfly.
“Shutterfly: Here's your 50 Free Holiday Cards!”
Does anyone else have a problem with this? Does anyone else have such a problem with this that they no longer want the free cards?
I’m embarrassed for them that nobody caught this grammatical error before sending it out to probably every blogger who has so far responded to their promotion.
My mother taught 2nd and 3rd grade before she had kids and is a huge stickler for grammar. She passed that along to me and it’s a passion that my husband also shares. (Don’t get him started on unnecessary apostrophes…)
Eric never cared. It didn’t bother him if words were spelled right or if sentences were grammatically correct. He was a lot more at home in this world of text messaged abbreviations than I am. I can’t bring myself to text “R U there?” I have to spell it all out. I don’t know why. I understand that the end result is still communication, but I don’t want to contribute to the decline of civilization.
I’ll probably still go for the free cards, after all free is free. But I won’t do it with the same carefree heart that Eric would be able to do it with. That error really bothers me.
The second blog apparently met the qualifications for earning the cards because this is the title of the email I got from Shutterfly.
“Shutterfly: Here's your 50 Free Holiday Cards!”
Does anyone else have a problem with this? Does anyone else have such a problem with this that they no longer want the free cards?
I’m embarrassed for them that nobody caught this grammatical error before sending it out to probably every blogger who has so far responded to their promotion.
My mother taught 2nd and 3rd grade before she had kids and is a huge stickler for grammar. She passed that along to me and it’s a passion that my husband also shares. (Don’t get him started on unnecessary apostrophes…)
Eric never cared. It didn’t bother him if words were spelled right or if sentences were grammatically correct. He was a lot more at home in this world of text messaged abbreviations than I am. I can’t bring myself to text “R U there?” I have to spell it all out. I don’t know why. I understand that the end result is still communication, but I don’t want to contribute to the decline of civilization.
I’ll probably still go for the free cards, after all free is free. But I won’t do it with the same carefree heart that Eric would be able to do it with. That error really bothers me.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
#197 Office Space
What keeps you going? What keeps you getting up day after day? Is it love of work? Is it a need to pay the bills? What keeps you from having an Office Space moment?
If you’ve never seen Office Space it’s a hysterical movie about a fictional employee of a fictional technology company who just decides not to do it anymore. He decides he’s just not going to go to work anymore or pay his bills anymore or really do anything he doesn’t feel like doing anymore. And of course, because it’s a movie, he ends up with a promotion and the girl.
Some days I find it really hard to keep going. I mean why should I go spend 8 hours at work when it could all be over tomorrow? But then again if it’s not over tomorrow I still have bills to pay and kids to feed so I’d better get moving.
What if it ends next week and I wasted all of this time doing stuff I don’t really want to do and I never get to the stuff I really want to do? I try to integrate the stuff I want to do with the stuff I don’t want to do, I mean I socialize and play with my kids and hang out with my husband and go to book club and voice lessons and am even doing a show, but then I’m exhausted and I want even less to do the things I don’t love. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m just tired. I’m sure being pregnant isn’t helping with that. I think I need a vacation.
If you’ve never seen Office Space it’s a hysterical movie about a fictional employee of a fictional technology company who just decides not to do it anymore. He decides he’s just not going to go to work anymore or pay his bills anymore or really do anything he doesn’t feel like doing anymore. And of course, because it’s a movie, he ends up with a promotion and the girl.
Some days I find it really hard to keep going. I mean why should I go spend 8 hours at work when it could all be over tomorrow? But then again if it’s not over tomorrow I still have bills to pay and kids to feed so I’d better get moving.
What if it ends next week and I wasted all of this time doing stuff I don’t really want to do and I never get to the stuff I really want to do? I try to integrate the stuff I want to do with the stuff I don’t want to do, I mean I socialize and play with my kids and hang out with my husband and go to book club and voice lessons and am even doing a show, but then I’m exhausted and I want even less to do the things I don’t love. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m just tired. I’m sure being pregnant isn’t helping with that. I think I need a vacation.
Monday, November 8, 2010
#196 Irony
I am currently in rehearsals for a community theatre production of “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”. Theatre has always been a love of mine, musical theatre in particular and last year at this time I participated in my first show since college. It was a production of “Honk!” through the same theatre, and was so much fun I just had to do it again.
I play the wife of one of Joseph’s brothers and sing a duet in the number “One More Angel in Heaven”. For those of you who don’t know the show, it’s a retelling of the bible story of Joseph. Joseph is one of 12 brothers and his father’s favorite. Both he and his father are somewhat obnoxious about his favored status in the family and the other brothers come to really hate him. They plan to kill him, but at the last minute sell him into slavery for the cash and tell his Dad that he died saving them all from a wild goat. Joseph does well as a slave until his master’s wife seduces him and he ends up thrown in jail. Once there, he deciphers some dreams from fellow inmates, one of whom is Pharaoh’s butler. (Did I mention this part takes place in ancient Egypt?) Eventually the butler gets out of prison and when Pharaoh starts having crazy dreams recommends getting Joseph out of prison to help. Joseph helps and eventually leads Egypt to wealth and prosperity in a time of drought and hunger in the region. His brothers, starving in their homeland of Canaan, go to Egypt to beg for food and after some tests of loyalty by Joseph, they are all happily reunited. That’s it in a nutshell.
In the song I sing, the brothers and wives are telling Jacob (Joseph’s dad) that his son is dead and pretending to be sad when really they couldn’t be happier. Most of the songs in the show are themed, and this one is country and western. It’s hokey and cheesy and fun to sing and perform. It’s completely over the top. It’s also pretty ironic. Here I am on stage pretending to mourn a brother, and in real life I’m actually mourning one.
Please don’t misunderstand, I can separate fiction from reality and I really am enjoying doing the show and playing this role. It just struck me on the way home from rehearsal last night. Life is funny sometimes.
I play the wife of one of Joseph’s brothers and sing a duet in the number “One More Angel in Heaven”. For those of you who don’t know the show, it’s a retelling of the bible story of Joseph. Joseph is one of 12 brothers and his father’s favorite. Both he and his father are somewhat obnoxious about his favored status in the family and the other brothers come to really hate him. They plan to kill him, but at the last minute sell him into slavery for the cash and tell his Dad that he died saving them all from a wild goat. Joseph does well as a slave until his master’s wife seduces him and he ends up thrown in jail. Once there, he deciphers some dreams from fellow inmates, one of whom is Pharaoh’s butler. (Did I mention this part takes place in ancient Egypt?) Eventually the butler gets out of prison and when Pharaoh starts having crazy dreams recommends getting Joseph out of prison to help. Joseph helps and eventually leads Egypt to wealth and prosperity in a time of drought and hunger in the region. His brothers, starving in their homeland of Canaan, go to Egypt to beg for food and after some tests of loyalty by Joseph, they are all happily reunited. That’s it in a nutshell.
In the song I sing, the brothers and wives are telling Jacob (Joseph’s dad) that his son is dead and pretending to be sad when really they couldn’t be happier. Most of the songs in the show are themed, and this one is country and western. It’s hokey and cheesy and fun to sing and perform. It’s completely over the top. It’s also pretty ironic. Here I am on stage pretending to mourn a brother, and in real life I’m actually mourning one.
Please don’t misunderstand, I can separate fiction from reality and I really am enjoying doing the show and playing this role. It just struck me on the way home from rehearsal last night. Life is funny sometimes.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
#195 I totally lost it last night
I totally lost it last night. I started bawling on the couch. All because of “Glee”. Yes, the supposedly happy go lucky high school glee club television show. Every week the show has a theme and the high school students perform a variety of songs around it. The show is hardly realistic, but I enjoy watching it and usually the writers get one or two absolutely hysterical lines in there.
The episode my husband and I watched last night (we are way behind, thank you DVR) centered around the possible loss of one of the character’s fathers. The dad on the show has an arrhythmia which leaves him in a coma, unresponsive with no one knowing whether or not he will wake up. Anyone else see a parallel?
I was doing ok with that. I had my trusty ipod touch and was frantically playing my word games trying to avoid becoming too emotionally involved with the show. I was already dreading the inevitable moment when the father wakes up. It’s television, of course he was going to wake up.
And he did wake up, and I made it through that moment ok too. A little sniffle maybe, but I was dead centered on that ipod and I was controlling it.
Then the actors sang the final song. It was one of Eric’s favorites. One of the ones that he played over and over and over again. It’s one that I heard on the radio an uncanny number of times right after he died. And here it was again. And I lost it. I broke down completely.
I miss you Eric, more than I can ever say.
I’ll leave you with the song.
The episode my husband and I watched last night (we are way behind, thank you DVR) centered around the possible loss of one of the character’s fathers. The dad on the show has an arrhythmia which leaves him in a coma, unresponsive with no one knowing whether or not he will wake up. Anyone else see a parallel?
I was doing ok with that. I had my trusty ipod touch and was frantically playing my word games trying to avoid becoming too emotionally involved with the show. I was already dreading the inevitable moment when the father wakes up. It’s television, of course he was going to wake up.
And he did wake up, and I made it through that moment ok too. A little sniffle maybe, but I was dead centered on that ipod and I was controlling it.
Then the actors sang the final song. It was one of Eric’s favorites. One of the ones that he played over and over and over again. It’s one that I heard on the radio an uncanny number of times right after he died. And here it was again. And I lost it. I broke down completely.
I miss you Eric, more than I can ever say.
I’ll leave you with the song.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
#194 Book Fair
This week my son had a book fair at school. The schools are very smart about how they do this. They send the kids into the library where all of the books are displayed with a piece of paper and a pencil. The kids then write down the books they want, where they are located and how much they cost. There are lots of parent volunteers there for those who have trouble writing. My son came home with a list of books worth about $50.00.
Now I love that my son loves to read, and I do want to support his school, but this is a lot of money. Especially when I don’t get to preview the books. And when we’ve already contributed substantial amounts to a capital campaign and a summer reading and math program. There isn’t a never-ending supply of money.
My husband and I decided this would be a good time to try and teach our son the value of money. We told him we would give him a specified amount of money and he could divide it up any way he wanted. If there were more things he wanted he would have to spend his own money.
My husband then sat down with him and together they emptied his piggy banks and counted his money. They then discussed the concepts of saving, giving and spending. My husband asked my son to pretend he had $10.00 and then decide how many dollars would go into each category. He decided he should save $5.00, spend $3.00 and give $2.00. I was pretty impressed. In the past he has declared his intentions to open a free store when he is older to give things to people who can’t afford them so part of me thought he would want to give all of his money away. Then again, he had that huge list of books he wanted so part of me thought he would want to spend all of his money. He surprised me with his balanced approach, I was really proud. He wound up buying the journal with the pen that writes in invisible ink, and 2 other books that he really wanted.
I was telling this story to my mom and she reminded me of how differently Eric and I approached giving as children. We went to Hebrew school where we were supposed to bring in tzedakah, or money for charity. I wanted to give all of my money to help those less fortunate. Over the years I’ve gotten a little more fiscally conservative, but still giving is important to me.
Eric didn’t want to give any of his money. He reasoned that he shouldn’t have to give away his money to people who had lost all of theirs. This isn’t to say that he wasn’t generous or caring, because he was, he was just always against the welfare state. He mellowed somewhat in his beliefs over time as well.
I think Eric would be proud of how his nephew handled himself. At the end of the year we’ll let him pick a charity to donate his “give” money to. Maybe we’ll add to that as well.
Now I love that my son loves to read, and I do want to support his school, but this is a lot of money. Especially when I don’t get to preview the books. And when we’ve already contributed substantial amounts to a capital campaign and a summer reading and math program. There isn’t a never-ending supply of money.
My husband and I decided this would be a good time to try and teach our son the value of money. We told him we would give him a specified amount of money and he could divide it up any way he wanted. If there were more things he wanted he would have to spend his own money.
My husband then sat down with him and together they emptied his piggy banks and counted his money. They then discussed the concepts of saving, giving and spending. My husband asked my son to pretend he had $10.00 and then decide how many dollars would go into each category. He decided he should save $5.00, spend $3.00 and give $2.00. I was pretty impressed. In the past he has declared his intentions to open a free store when he is older to give things to people who can’t afford them so part of me thought he would want to give all of his money away. Then again, he had that huge list of books he wanted so part of me thought he would want to spend all of his money. He surprised me with his balanced approach, I was really proud. He wound up buying the journal with the pen that writes in invisible ink, and 2 other books that he really wanted.
I was telling this story to my mom and she reminded me of how differently Eric and I approached giving as children. We went to Hebrew school where we were supposed to bring in tzedakah, or money for charity. I wanted to give all of my money to help those less fortunate. Over the years I’ve gotten a little more fiscally conservative, but still giving is important to me.
Eric didn’t want to give any of his money. He reasoned that he shouldn’t have to give away his money to people who had lost all of theirs. This isn’t to say that he wasn’t generous or caring, because he was, he was just always against the welfare state. He mellowed somewhat in his beliefs over time as well.
I think Eric would be proud of how his nephew handled himself. At the end of the year we’ll let him pick a charity to donate his “give” money to. Maybe we’ll add to that as well.
Friday, November 5, 2010
#193 Sell-out take 2
Apparently I sold out incorrectly. I got the information from another blogger, got excited and wrote a blog and signed up on Shutterfly’s website. Only I didn’t wait for the instructions from Shutterfly, and now that I have them, I realize yesterday’s blog was not quite enough of a sell out. I didn’t post links to their products, choose a favorite card or tell other bloggers where to go for the same deal. Oops. You can all stop laughing now.
Since I have already made the decision to use the blog to get the cards, you get to suffer through (enjoy?) another holiday card post. After all, it would be a shame to waste yesterday’s blog and my moral struggle completely. So here goes.
Holiday cards are difficult for me to pick out. As you know from reading this blog, we’re Jewish and that’s not really a Jewish tradition. I didn’t grow up doing this. I really started sending cards once I had kids. We live so far away from so many of our good friends and I wanted to keep them updated on what our kids looked like. I also love getting the cards that my friends send to me and thought I should reciprocate. For most of the year our refrigerator is a hodge podge of holiday cards that I can’t bear to take down.
Having said that I refuse to use any cards that mention Christmas or are overtly religious. Even a small picture of a Christmas tree can ruin a card for me. For me this is a way of keeping in touch, not celebrating a holiday. Sometimes that really limits my choices, but not on Shutterfly.
Here are three different choices that would all work wonderfully for my purposes.
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/starlight-joy-christmas-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93491
I love the simplicity of this card, although the word Joy does make me think of Christmas so might rule it out.
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/lovingly-wrapped-american-lung-association-holiday-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93491
This is another nice, simple card and 10% of the proceeds go to the American Lung Association. Not bad.
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/glisten-and-glow-christmas-5x7-photo-card-5x7-photo?sortType=1&storeNode=93491
This one is also tempting since I always have such trouble deciding which pictures to use, and here I get to use a lot of them.
I don’t have a favorite yet, hopefully Shutterfly will forgive me, but I need to do a lot more looking before I can make that incredibly important decision!!
So I think I have now fulfilled almost all of the requirements to get my free cards, if you would like to do the same here’s where to go: http://bit.ly/sfly2010
I hope you all have safe, happy, healthy, wonderful holidays. It’s going to be a rough time of year for me, as all of my Eric anniversaries fall in December and January, but I’ll still get those cards out. As soon as I manage to pick one…
Since I have already made the decision to use the blog to get the cards, you get to suffer through (enjoy?) another holiday card post. After all, it would be a shame to waste yesterday’s blog and my moral struggle completely. So here goes.
Holiday cards are difficult for me to pick out. As you know from reading this blog, we’re Jewish and that’s not really a Jewish tradition. I didn’t grow up doing this. I really started sending cards once I had kids. We live so far away from so many of our good friends and I wanted to keep them updated on what our kids looked like. I also love getting the cards that my friends send to me and thought I should reciprocate. For most of the year our refrigerator is a hodge podge of holiday cards that I can’t bear to take down.
Having said that I refuse to use any cards that mention Christmas or are overtly religious. Even a small picture of a Christmas tree can ruin a card for me. For me this is a way of keeping in touch, not celebrating a holiday. Sometimes that really limits my choices, but not on Shutterfly.
Here are three different choices that would all work wonderfully for my purposes.
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/starlight-joy-christmas-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93491
I love the simplicity of this card, although the word Joy does make me think of Christmas so might rule it out.
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/lovingly-wrapped-american-lung-association-holiday-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93491
This is another nice, simple card and 10% of the proceeds go to the American Lung Association. Not bad.
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/glisten-and-glow-christmas-5x7-photo-card-5x7-photo?sortType=1&storeNode=93491
This one is also tempting since I always have such trouble deciding which pictures to use, and here I get to use a lot of them.
I don’t have a favorite yet, hopefully Shutterfly will forgive me, but I need to do a lot more looking before I can make that incredibly important decision!!
So I think I have now fulfilled almost all of the requirements to get my free cards, if you would like to do the same here’s where to go: http://bit.ly/sfly2010
I hope you all have safe, happy, healthy, wonderful holidays. It’s going to be a rough time of year for me, as all of my Eric anniversaries fall in December and January, but I’ll still get those cards out. As soon as I manage to pick one…
Thursday, November 4, 2010
#192 Sell-out
Should I or shouldn’t I? Should I sell out my blog and get 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly or not? Oops I think I just did it. Shutterfly is offering bloggers a deal that if they blog about the FABULOUS SELECTION OF HOLIDAY CARDS, they will get 50 of said cards for free. I like this deal. But this blog is about Eric, not getting free stuff, right? At some point I have to tie it all back to Eric.
And it’s supposed to be meaningful and heartfelt and not blazingly commercial.
So I was torn.
I asked my husband and he told me to do whatever I wanted to do. Thanks.
He also reminded me about the alphabet photo book that Eric made for the boys. I don’t know which website he used to make it but it could have been Shutterfly so therefore this could be a relevant post. (and something which definitely deserves a blog of it’s own at a later date)
It also made me think about how when we got to Las Vegas, our holiday card was prominently displayed on Eric’s refrigerator. He was so in love with his nephews.
Then I started thinking about how we usually use pictures that we take at Thanksgiving and sometimes Eric would be our official photographer. Not this year though.
The thought that pushed me over the edge though, was that Eric would never turn down a deal like this. Free cards? Just for writing? Done. One of the last emails Eric ever sent me was a way to get free frequent flyer miles. It didn’t work, but that didn’t stop either one of us from trying. So with that in mind, I’ve earned my free cards.
Too bad I won’t get to send him one this year.
And in all honesty, Shutterfly does have a great selection of cards and once I figure out which picture or pictures to use, I’ll be choosing one to send.
And it’s supposed to be meaningful and heartfelt and not blazingly commercial.
So I was torn.
I asked my husband and he told me to do whatever I wanted to do. Thanks.
He also reminded me about the alphabet photo book that Eric made for the boys. I don’t know which website he used to make it but it could have been Shutterfly so therefore this could be a relevant post. (and something which definitely deserves a blog of it’s own at a later date)
It also made me think about how when we got to Las Vegas, our holiday card was prominently displayed on Eric’s refrigerator. He was so in love with his nephews.
Then I started thinking about how we usually use pictures that we take at Thanksgiving and sometimes Eric would be our official photographer. Not this year though.
The thought that pushed me over the edge though, was that Eric would never turn down a deal like this. Free cards? Just for writing? Done. One of the last emails Eric ever sent me was a way to get free frequent flyer miles. It didn’t work, but that didn’t stop either one of us from trying. So with that in mind, I’ve earned my free cards.
Too bad I won’t get to send him one this year.
And in all honesty, Shutterfly does have a great selection of cards and once I figure out which picture or pictures to use, I’ll be choosing one to send.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
#191 Jewelry and Blogging
November is National Blog Posting Month where bloggers are challenged to post something everyday, including weekends, for a month. Since I’ve already been doing this for 190 days, I figured I’d join in. After all, I can be a part of it and still do what I’ve already been doing. I found this at the website for NaBloPoMo http://www.nablopomo.com/ if any of you are interested. So far, the best thing about being a part of this group is they have suggestions for the content of your blog. I may not always stick with their suggestions, but I’m going to use the one for November 2nd, even though this blog will appear on November 3rd.
The suggestion is “Tell us the story of a piece of jewelry you own. Where did it come from, and what does it mean to you?”
This is actually a timely topic for me. On Halloween, three days ago, I was looking for some ghost earrings that I swear I used to have, but couldn’t find. I never did find them, but I found another piece of jewelry given to me by Eric. I have already blogged about the ring from him that I wear everyday and the necklace I made from his keychain, but this was another necklace.
It’s a very artistic design and very pretty, but not really my style and I have never worn it. It’s a silver image of a naked woman. I’m sure Eric thought it was funky and special and that’s why he gave it to me. Either that or he forgot about whatever occasion he gave it to me for and it was the best he could do on short notice. I prefer to think it was the first reason. It was made by a South African artist named Carol Boyes, you can view more of her work here.
I also have another necklace from him that I actually wear a lot. This one is a silver circle that he got when he was living in New Zealand. It is pretty and stylish and I get compliments on it almost every time I wear it. I also love wearing it because it reminds me of him.
I’m lucky to have so many reminders.
The suggestion is “Tell us the story of a piece of jewelry you own. Where did it come from, and what does it mean to you?”
This is actually a timely topic for me. On Halloween, three days ago, I was looking for some ghost earrings that I swear I used to have, but couldn’t find. I never did find them, but I found another piece of jewelry given to me by Eric. I have already blogged about the ring from him that I wear everyday and the necklace I made from his keychain, but this was another necklace.
It’s a very artistic design and very pretty, but not really my style and I have never worn it. It’s a silver image of a naked woman. I’m sure Eric thought it was funky and special and that’s why he gave it to me. Either that or he forgot about whatever occasion he gave it to me for and it was the best he could do on short notice. I prefer to think it was the first reason. It was made by a South African artist named Carol Boyes, you can view more of her work here.
I also have another necklace from him that I actually wear a lot. This one is a silver circle that he got when he was living in New Zealand. It is pretty and stylish and I get compliments on it almost every time I wear it. I also love wearing it because it reminds me of him.
I’m lucky to have so many reminders.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
#190 IKEA
We went to IKEA this weekend. I would highly recommend a visit. Especially if you have children. Even if you don’t need any furniture. They have a free, supervised play area. You get an hour of kid-free time to spend with your spouse or a friend or even alone. Lovely.
We actually did need furniture and found what we were looking for at very reasonable prices. That made the day even better.
If you’ve never been to IKEA, let me set the scene for you. The showrooms are set up along a winding path which you follow through the entire store. Some areas just have lots of display furniture, other areas are set up as rooms that you can meander through and see how the furniture could be placed. It’s fun to compare pieces as you go. Anything you think you might want you write on your little score card so you can go to the warehouse and pick it up later. Yes, you have to get it from the warehouse yourself….just another way they keep the prices low. On the plus side, the warehouse is on the way to checkout and they have really cool handcarts that your children will love to push for you. It works even better if you have a husband (or any able-bodied, strong, non-pregnant person) with you to do all of the heavy lifting…and the assembly later. Can you tell I love IKEA?
We were in the children’s section when I heard it. “Eric…..Eric…..Eric……?!” Remember the post where I talked about the curse of naming your child Eric? Everyone, in every store we ever went to, knew Eric’s name; and apparently this Eric too. I don’t know why this mom didn’t drop her Eric off at the wonderful play area, but maybe she was afraid he would destroy it as our Eric might have.
It actually made me smile first, and then feel sad to have to this experience. I was surprised the smile made it in there, but surprised in a good way.
There’s still no way this baby’s first name will be Eric.
We actually did need furniture and found what we were looking for at very reasonable prices. That made the day even better.
If you’ve never been to IKEA, let me set the scene for you. The showrooms are set up along a winding path which you follow through the entire store. Some areas just have lots of display furniture, other areas are set up as rooms that you can meander through and see how the furniture could be placed. It’s fun to compare pieces as you go. Anything you think you might want you write on your little score card so you can go to the warehouse and pick it up later. Yes, you have to get it from the warehouse yourself….just another way they keep the prices low. On the plus side, the warehouse is on the way to checkout and they have really cool handcarts that your children will love to push for you. It works even better if you have a husband (or any able-bodied, strong, non-pregnant person) with you to do all of the heavy lifting…and the assembly later. Can you tell I love IKEA?
We were in the children’s section when I heard it. “Eric…..Eric…..Eric……?!” Remember the post where I talked about the curse of naming your child Eric? Everyone, in every store we ever went to, knew Eric’s name; and apparently this Eric too. I don’t know why this mom didn’t drop her Eric off at the wonderful play area, but maybe she was afraid he would destroy it as our Eric might have.
It actually made me smile first, and then feel sad to have to this experience. I was surprised the smile made it in there, but surprised in a good way.
There’s still no way this baby’s first name will be Eric.
Monday, November 1, 2010
#189 Happy Halloween!
Happy Halloween! So I’m a day late, sue me. I hope you all had as good a day as we did. Woody, Buzz Lightyear, my husband and I had pizza at our neighborhood Halloween party then the boys (husband included) trolled for candy while I manned our front porch and handed out the candy. The weather was beautiful and the costumes were plentiful and creative. It was a great night. My four year old started to panic at the end of the party that he was going to miss the trick-or-treating, but other than that it all went smoothly.
It made me think of Halloweens of my youth. My kids don’t get to wear their costumes to school the way Eric and I did. We had a Halloween parade at school and everyone’s parents came to watch. Now there are too many PC worries over celebrating this Pagan holiday and the kids don’t get to do that. I think that’s sad. I mean seriously, is anyone teaching their kids the Pagan symbolism or are we just dressing up, eating candy and having a good time? It’s a good excuse for an annual day of excess.
My mother always made our Halloween costumes. One year I was Tinkerbell with a lovely silver, shimmery dress she found in a thrift shop and glitter fairy dust to sprinkle over everyone’s heads. My mother dressed up as Captain Hook complete with hook, ruffled pirate shirt and hat, and Eric refused to dress up as Peter Pan. Typical. He was a ghost.
I can also remember many years of Eric being an army man. He had a camouflage outfit that he wore for years, (and not just on Halloween) I think my mom just kept letting the pants out, along with my grandfather’s old army jacket and an army helmet he picked up somewhere along the way. My kids have the helmet in their toy basket now. Just something else we took from his apartment.
I never celebrated Halloween as an adult with Eric, but I could see him getting into it. He either did something all the way or not at all. And he would definitely have enjoyed celebrating vicariously through his nephews. So I’ll leave you with them in all their Toy Story glory.
It made me think of Halloweens of my youth. My kids don’t get to wear their costumes to school the way Eric and I did. We had a Halloween parade at school and everyone’s parents came to watch. Now there are too many PC worries over celebrating this Pagan holiday and the kids don’t get to do that. I think that’s sad. I mean seriously, is anyone teaching their kids the Pagan symbolism or are we just dressing up, eating candy and having a good time? It’s a good excuse for an annual day of excess.
My mother always made our Halloween costumes. One year I was Tinkerbell with a lovely silver, shimmery dress she found in a thrift shop and glitter fairy dust to sprinkle over everyone’s heads. My mother dressed up as Captain Hook complete with hook, ruffled pirate shirt and hat, and Eric refused to dress up as Peter Pan. Typical. He was a ghost.
I can also remember many years of Eric being an army man. He had a camouflage outfit that he wore for years, (and not just on Halloween) I think my mom just kept letting the pants out, along with my grandfather’s old army jacket and an army helmet he picked up somewhere along the way. My kids have the helmet in their toy basket now. Just something else we took from his apartment.
I never celebrated Halloween as an adult with Eric, but I could see him getting into it. He either did something all the way or not at all. And he would definitely have enjoyed celebrating vicariously through his nephews. So I’ll leave you with them in all their Toy Story glory.
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