What a weekend. We’re in Savannah, staying with my parents. We came down to bring the baby to see my grandmother, and my uncle flew down from New York as well. We’re having a good time and my grandmother is as in love with the baby as the rest of us, but there is a sadness underpinning it all.
It’s not an unspoken sadness either. Both older boys have been full of questions about Eric. My oldest asked my mother if Eric had a gravestone and so she had to go through the explanation of cremation with him again. Not an easy thing to explain to a 7 year old. My 4 year old confirmed at dinner last night that I didn’t want him to die. When asked why he would ask that he said he didn’t want to die like Uncle Eric.
Later last night after the boys were in bed and the adults had had dinner my mom took me into her closet to show me a new pair of shoes. We ended up on the floor crying. She has a large picture of Eric that was displayed at his memorial service in there and she talks to him everyday. I just couldn’t stop staring at it. Sometimes it all just hits me again, the rawness of the loss, the amazement that he is really and truly gone for good. The sadness that the baby will never know him.
My 4 year old has to do everything my 7 year old does, right down to repeating the same words and phrases. For example this morning the 7 year old took the baby’s hand and waved it at himself and said “Hi” in a high pitched voice that was supposed to be the baby. Then the 4 year old did the same thing with the same words and gestures and intonations. It doesn’t matter if the 4 year old understands what the 7 year old is doing or not, he does it anyway.
I’m sure that someday the baby will be copying his older brothers in the same way. It’s possible that the older boys will be talking about missing Uncle Eric and the little one will say that he misses Uncle Eric too. And I know that will break my heart all over again.
Liz, I have no words. I know. I understand and I will go through this with you.
ReplyDeleteGael