#314 Mixed Feelings

There are so many manifestations of loss. There is major loss, like that of Eric, which in some ways I will never recover from. Luckily, these are usually few in number.




Life, however, is full of minor losses. I am a little sad that I am not pregnant anymore and that I never will be again. I don’t miss the discomfort or the frequent urination or the waddling, but I miss feeling life move inside me and the anticipation of it all. However, I love holding my baby in my arms, and I don’t regret our decision not to have any more children. I don’t want to be pregnant again, I’m just a little sad that that phase of my life is over.



I found out recently that one of my best friends is moving out of the state. And not just to the next state over either. This is another loss I’m dealing with. Realistically, we live close to three hours apart now even though we’re in the same state, and we only see each other 3 or 4 times a year at best, but I like knowing she is here and that I can see her. Now we’ll need to fly to have our spa days and there won’t be any direct flights either. I’m happy for her because this is a good thing for her and her family, but it makes me sad. (Don’t feel bad if you’re reading T, you know I’ll always love you and your family and you know this is the right thing to do.)



I know the hormonal storm is also playing a big role in my sadness today. It’s hard to figure out if I’m appropriately sad or magnifying things. I’m not depressed, I don’t need an intervention, I’m just sad.



Time to stop focusing on the losses and move on to the gains. My oldest son is going to audition to play the piano for a volunteer appreciation breakfast at his school. It amazes me that he has the capability, but he’s good and I’ll be surprised if he doesn’t make it. My middle son had school pictures this week and insisted on wearing a blue button down shirt so he would look “handsome”. He never cared before. My littlest son slept five and a half hours between feedings last night and even though I had to hold him to make it happen, I’m grateful for the sleep. We’re all making gains and moving on even though it means we’re leaving other things behind.



I guess it’s just a mixed feelings kind of day.