So here I am in Savannah celebrating the New Year with my parents and finding it increasingly hard to breath. Is it the increased humidity, the baby weighing down my lungs, or the fact that Eric’s birthday is, would be, should be tomorrow? I don’t even know how to phrase it.
It’s hard to believe on this beautiful, sunny, warm day that terrible, unexplained things can happen in this world, and yet they do and have.
Tomorrow Eric would have been 34 and a young vigorous man with a beautiful new wife and a promising life ahead of him. Instead we mourn and remember and hopefully celebrate the life that he did get to have.
We bought a bottle of champagne to toast him with and I’m lobbying for popcorn for dinner in his memory.
It’s not enough, but nothing will ever be enough when it comes to this.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
#248 You're older in Vietnam
I went to get my nails done today and got a little more than I bargained for. I was there before they opened (they supposedly open at 9:30 and that’s when I arrived, but apparently it’s meant to be flexible) and the first person who got there was the owner. Actually he and his wife own it together, but the husband got there first. He got my manicure started and we chatted as we watched the other women come into work.
He, his wife and the other nail technicians there are all Vietnamese. He showed me a book he had gotten that tells you what’s in store for you in the new year based on the month and year of your birth. The first thing you need to know is that you are older in Vietnam than you are here. This is very depressing. Apparently they account for the time you spend in the womb, which kind of makes sense, but they must not be great mathematicians because they add 2 years and I can guarantee you I have not, nor will I ever carry a baby for a whole 2 years.
So after we figured out which section of the book to look in for me, he said I would be having some health issues in the late winter, early spring. I’m putting C-section and recovery in there, so I’m not (too) worried. He also said my financial status would be good, so that’s a relief. I’m not to invest in business with a friend in the fall and I’m to be careful driving in the fall as well.
It turns out he and my husband were born in the same month of the same year so he looked at that one too. Finances aren’t supposed to be great this winter (sorry honey), but there is great joy in the family. Can you say new baby?
Then he said that for him years 31-33 were supposed to be bad, filled with health problems or possibly even death. Guess who that made me think of? And guess who shares a birthday with Eric? Wrong year but right date. Maybe I’ll start paying a little attention to my Vietnamese fortune.
He, his wife and the other nail technicians there are all Vietnamese. He showed me a book he had gotten that tells you what’s in store for you in the new year based on the month and year of your birth. The first thing you need to know is that you are older in Vietnam than you are here. This is very depressing. Apparently they account for the time you spend in the womb, which kind of makes sense, but they must not be great mathematicians because they add 2 years and I can guarantee you I have not, nor will I ever carry a baby for a whole 2 years.
So after we figured out which section of the book to look in for me, he said I would be having some health issues in the late winter, early spring. I’m putting C-section and recovery in there, so I’m not (too) worried. He also said my financial status would be good, so that’s a relief. I’m not to invest in business with a friend in the fall and I’m to be careful driving in the fall as well.
It turns out he and my husband were born in the same month of the same year so he looked at that one too. Finances aren’t supposed to be great this winter (sorry honey), but there is great joy in the family. Can you say new baby?
Then he said that for him years 31-33 were supposed to be bad, filled with health problems or possibly even death. Guess who that made me think of? And guess who shares a birthday with Eric? Wrong year but right date. Maybe I’ll start paying a little attention to my Vietnamese fortune.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
#247 Air Travel
I spent the whole day on airplanes or in airports today. I’m not complaining though, all of my flights were on time, I had time to eat during a layover and my luggage all made it. I really feel for all of the people who were stranded because of the blizzard in the northeast and I’m grateful that I wasn’t.
Airports are funny places. It’s kind of like real life is suspended while you are there, although a little less so now that we’re all so connected with our smart phones. I can remember travelling with Eric and my parents and everything was an adventure. From the skycap to the soda we were allowed to have on the plane (the whole can!) to the plastic wings and the glimpse inside the cockpit we would get on the way out. We even enjoyed exploring the terminal. Everything was an adventure with Eric.
I remember one time when he was in high school we were going on a family vacation and had just gone through passport control when this cute blond girl called his name. We stopped and chatted and then she moved on with her family and we went to our gate. We asked Eric who she was and he was totally clueless. He thought maybe she was in his math class. Typical Eric, totally oblivious.
Last Spring Katie went on a vacation to London during her spring break and Eric wanted to pick her up at the airport. He drove out there and then wasn’t sure where to go. So he called my parents in Savannah, GA from the Las Vegas airport to find out if there was an international terminal and if so where it might be. Again, typical Eric, call someone else so they can get online instead of parking and asking when you are already at the airport. I’m sure it made sense to him at the time. And I’m pretty sure he found Katie.
So although I didn’t do much with my day besides come home, at least the trip triggered some fond memories.
Airports are funny places. It’s kind of like real life is suspended while you are there, although a little less so now that we’re all so connected with our smart phones. I can remember travelling with Eric and my parents and everything was an adventure. From the skycap to the soda we were allowed to have on the plane (the whole can!) to the plastic wings and the glimpse inside the cockpit we would get on the way out. We even enjoyed exploring the terminal. Everything was an adventure with Eric.
I remember one time when he was in high school we were going on a family vacation and had just gone through passport control when this cute blond girl called his name. We stopped and chatted and then she moved on with her family and we went to our gate. We asked Eric who she was and he was totally clueless. He thought maybe she was in his math class. Typical Eric, totally oblivious.
Last Spring Katie went on a vacation to London during her spring break and Eric wanted to pick her up at the airport. He drove out there and then wasn’t sure where to go. So he called my parents in Savannah, GA from the Las Vegas airport to find out if there was an international terminal and if so where it might be. Again, typical Eric, call someone else so they can get online instead of parking and asking when you are already at the airport. I’m sure it made sense to him at the time. And I’m pretty sure he found Katie.
So although I didn’t do much with my day besides come home, at least the trip triggered some fond memories.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
#246 Eric on my mind
Eric has been much on mind these last few days and I’m not sure why. I’ve been in Iowa which is not a place I have any memories of him being. I don’t think we were ever here at the same time.
Maybe it’s because I’m on vacation and therefore have more free time to think about him. Of course I have more time to think about everything…the children who are already here, the one who is coming, the financial ramifications of an unpaid maternity leave…so much for a stress free vacation.
Maybe it’s because the anniversary just passed and I still can’t believe I’ve lived a whole year without him.
Maybe it’s because his birthday is in a few days and that is also the anniversary of the day we scattered his ashes in my parents’ backyard.
Whatever it is, Eric is on my mind and I’m not in a very good place. Hopefully the second part will change soon.
Maybe it’s because I’m on vacation and therefore have more free time to think about him. Of course I have more time to think about everything…the children who are already here, the one who is coming, the financial ramifications of an unpaid maternity leave…so much for a stress free vacation.
Maybe it’s because the anniversary just passed and I still can’t believe I’ve lived a whole year without him.
Maybe it’s because his birthday is in a few days and that is also the anniversary of the day we scattered his ashes in my parents’ backyard.
Whatever it is, Eric is on my mind and I’m not in a very good place. Hopefully the second part will change soon.
Monday, December 27, 2010
#245 Pillow Pets
We were at the mall today to return all the clothes that didn’t fit and hopefully find some that do. I have to say, shopping while pregnant is probably my favorite way to shop, my figure is only temporary and I don’t really care what size I wear. My husband, brother-in-law and father-in-law had the kids at the play area while my mother-in-law and I did the returning and shopping. As we were about ready to go and reunited my boys asked if they could get Pillow Pets and very uncharacteristically I actually considered it and said yes and we came home with a lady bug and a moose and two really happy boys.
It’s not that I don’t want my boys to be happy or that I have anything against Pillow Pets, its just that they just had an amazing Christmas and got more new stuff than they have had time to play with yet…although they have made a VERY good effort. They don’t need anything and it’s not like me to give in to their begging and make an impulse buy like that.
As I was thinking about it in the car on the way home I decided that, in my mind at least, those could be their gifts from Eric. They’re not loud or huge, but the boys do love them. They’re probably not what Eric would have chosen, but if he could see the look on their faces when they play with them, he’d be ok with it. Too bad he can’t.
It’s not that I don’t want my boys to be happy or that I have anything against Pillow Pets, its just that they just had an amazing Christmas and got more new stuff than they have had time to play with yet…although they have made a VERY good effort. They don’t need anything and it’s not like me to give in to their begging and make an impulse buy like that.
As I was thinking about it in the car on the way home I decided that, in my mind at least, those could be their gifts from Eric. They’re not loud or huge, but the boys do love them. They’re probably not what Eric would have chosen, but if he could see the look on their faces when they play with them, he’d be ok with it. Too bad he can’t.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
#244 Cold Weather and Hot Chocolate
It’s been a lazy day today. The boys have gone sledding but other than that we’ve been watching movies and football and drinking lots of hot chocolate. I know Eric would approve of the movies and the hot chocolate, he wasn’t into football though.
I can remember going sledding with Eric as a child. There was a sledding hill in our town that, at least in my memory, seems incredibly steep. We had an old fashioned sled on runners and it never seemed to steer the way we wanted it to. I mostly just remember how cold we would get and how nice it was to get home and inside and warm up with hot chocolate.
More than sledding, I remember going cross-country skiing on a local public golf course. It seems like we did this on every snow day, and it was always fun although for me the best part was still coming home, getting warm and having the hot chocolate.
I’ve already mentioned how much Eric loved hot chocolate and that he didn’t need to be cold to drink it, but for me, this is the perfect weather for it. I wish he were here to drink some with me.
I can remember going sledding with Eric as a child. There was a sledding hill in our town that, at least in my memory, seems incredibly steep. We had an old fashioned sled on runners and it never seemed to steer the way we wanted it to. I mostly just remember how cold we would get and how nice it was to get home and inside and warm up with hot chocolate.
More than sledding, I remember going cross-country skiing on a local public golf course. It seems like we did this on every snow day, and it was always fun although for me the best part was still coming home, getting warm and having the hot chocolate.
I’ve already mentioned how much Eric loved hot chocolate and that he didn’t need to be cold to drink it, but for me, this is the perfect weather for it. I wish he were here to drink some with me.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
#243 Christmas
Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate and happy Saturday to those of you who don’t. Eric would be happy to know that my husband’s family has filled his role of providing large and noisy toys for my kids. Both of them made out like bandits with gifts including (but not limited to) pop guns, a music making balance board, a game that squirts water if you touch the wrong place and an arcade basketball hoop that looks like it might take up my whole back yard.
I am again having trouble maintaining a celebratory mood. Certainly not because of a lack of gifts, I got two pairs of earrings one with a matching necklace, a beautiful blown glass vase and some clothes, just to name a few. It’s just that I keep thinking about how Eric might have chosen to celebrate this day.
If his plans had not been interrupted he and Katie would be married and celebrating Christmas together. I’m sure it would be a deeply significant day for both of them. I know they would have honored the religious traditions of the day and also celebrated their relationship with gifts to each other. Last year Eric designed a dress for her, what would he have come up with this year? He surely would have found a way to top that.
I know I’m not the only one missing him today, and I know we’ll all get through it, I just wish we didn’t have to.
I am again having trouble maintaining a celebratory mood. Certainly not because of a lack of gifts, I got two pairs of earrings one with a matching necklace, a beautiful blown glass vase and some clothes, just to name a few. It’s just that I keep thinking about how Eric might have chosen to celebrate this day.
If his plans had not been interrupted he and Katie would be married and celebrating Christmas together. I’m sure it would be a deeply significant day for both of them. I know they would have honored the religious traditions of the day and also celebrated their relationship with gifts to each other. Last year Eric designed a dress for her, what would he have come up with this year? He surely would have found a way to top that.
I know I’m not the only one missing him today, and I know we’ll all get through it, I just wish we didn’t have to.
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