Sorry for the silence the last couple of days, I went to visit my grandmother and didn’t have time to blog.
It was a quick, impromptu trip and just the baby and I went. This meant that the night before the trip I had to have a conversation with the older boys that was eerily similar to one I had before leaving for Las Vegas. I told the boys that Grandma was sick and I didn’t know if she was going to get better so I was going to go see her. With Eric, I just told them he was sick. It never even occurred to me he wasn’t going to get better when I had the conversation with them. I was worried about stirring up sad memories, or that the boys would get scared that another relative was dying and wonder who would be next. Eric left us over a year ago, but it’s still very fresh in all of our minds.
The boys took it very well. They told me they hoped that she got better. We talked about what a long life she has had and they were astonished at her age. We talked about how everybody dies and we hope it happens after a long, full life like Grandma’s.
That’s easy to say.
Grandma actually looked a lot better than she sounded on the phone. She is frail and lies there in bed like she can’t do anything else, but she can. She is failing somewhat, she needs oxygen and she talked about Russian sherbet when she meant Greek yogurt, but for the most part her mind is still sharp. Grandma is scared. She won’t tell anyone that, but that’s what I think. She doesn’t want to try and get out of bed for fear that she will fail. She doesn’t want to know what her limitations really are, how close to the end she might be.
How terrifying it must be to know the end is coming and not to know what awaits, if anything. In some ways it would be easier to go like Eric, not knowing what is happening, not anticipating the end of everything you know.
I don’t think Grandma is going anywhere imminently and I think she is milking the drama of the situation (she listed jewelry she wanted me to have), but the end is closer than it used to be and that is scary.
I hope Grandma finds a way to deal with her fear and that her eventual passing is easy. I hope it doesn’t happen for a while yet though.
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