#351 Toyota

Lately I’ve been seeing lots of old green Toyota Corollas around town. I used to drive a 1996 green Toyota Corolla that I bought (well, my parents bought) new when I was a senior in college. I drove it until we moved to Charlotte in 2007. It was still in good condition minus a few dings when I decided I needed my post-residency splurge Lexus.




Eric had just moved back to the states from New Zealand and needed a car so he bought the Toyota from us. It served him well until someone hit him and it got totaled. Luckily he was not hurt. Although I guess that doesn’t matter so much now…..



I don’t know why seeing my old car reminds me of Eric when I had it for 11 years and he had it for one at the most, but it does.

#350 I'm Not Ready

I signed up for a “Strollercize” class through the Jewish Community Center. I thought it would be a good way to try and lose the baby weight and be social at the same time. The description in the program guide said the class would consist of a 2 mile walk with breaks for upper body work. It sounded good to me.




I did the first class three weeks ago and it was just as advertised. We walk in the neighborhood surrounding the JCC and stopped on the way out, on the way back and at the end to do some exercises with resistance bands. I felt the walking was probably slower than what I do on my own, but I liked the addition of the other exercises which I don’t do on my own.



I had to miss the next class due to an event at my 7 year old’s school and then there was no class last week because of Passover so yesterday was my second class.



They veered from the description in the program guide.



We alternated walking the strollers along a gravel track with circuit training on the outdoor basketball courts. We were even asked to run some of the laps.



I liked the addition of the circuit training, I am feeling it in my back and shoulders today and I need that kind of exercise. I panicked at the addition of running. I didn’t do it.



I felt badly that I wasn’t doing what the trainer asked and also that I didn’t want to explain why I wasn’t doing it. I just said “I don’t run” which could mean any number of things. I wasn’t the only one not running and I did push myself and walked really fast but I still felt really uncomfortable.



It’s still so hard to talk about Eric to people who don’t know about him. I don’t think that’s ever going to change. And I’m still not ready to run.

#349 Time Management

I know I need to be enjoying every moment of my life. If I have learned anything from Eric it’s this. The weather is gorgeous and I want to be outside, but the laundry needs to be done and the baby needs to be fed and the kitchen needs to be cleaned. And I’m exhausted and would love to take a nap.




Sometimes I can ignore the housework and play with the kids, or take a walk, or a nap but not always. It does need to get done somehow.



In about a month the ultimate buzz kill is coming. I’m going to have to go back to work. I am loving being home and I want to savor every minute of it. I also feel like I should get all the big house projects done before I go back because if I feel pressed for time now, it will only get worse when I add work into the mix.



I hope I can find a way to get it all done and still stay sane. I want the impossible. I want it all. My kids will never be this age again. Life continually changes and moves on and ends whether you want it to or not. I have to take advantage. Somehow I will.

#348 A Perfect Day

Yesterday was about as perfect as a day can get. The big boys helped me make chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and then helped their dad do the grocery shopping. After lunch, we went to a local elementary school where the big boys rode their bikes and played baseball while the little guy and I watched. The weather was gorgeous, tons of other people were out, there was no place we had to be, so no sense of rush. The day ended with a delicious dinner made by my husband. It may not get any better.




I hate it that Eric will never experience this type of day with a family of his own. He probably wouldn’t be coaching his kids in baseball (unless they needed help learning to play in the dirt in the outfield), but they’d probably be outside building rockets or setting things on fire with magnifying glasses. It’s not the activity that matters, it’s the togetherness.



In a life where I am increasingly worried about how fleeting time is and how quickly my kids are growing up and how everything I want to do may not happen, it was a slow motion day. I didn’t worry about any of that. I enjoyed the sun and the kids and my husband and the day. I need more of those.

#347 Eric in the Air

I’m waiting for the baby to wake up and eat so we can go walking. I have mentioned before that I live in a great neighborhood for walking. I love to look at the houses and the landscaping and I love the neighborly feel I get saying hi to all the other walkers, runners and bikers. I don’t think I’ve ever gone out and not seen anyone else.




When I first moved here I met a woman who is one of my best friends here. She and I used to get up REALLY early and go walking in the neighborhood. She introduced me to the “booty loop”—the path taken by the co-eds at Queens University, and really pushed me to go faster and longer.



When Eric visited he came with us on our walks. The two of them were in much better shape than I was and I hated that they walked ahead and pushed me to run at the same time that I liked that they got along. Eric also really liked our neighborhood and every time he visited he would walk or run in it.



We’ve only been here in Charlotte for 3 ½ years, but I have memories of Eric in and around my house and I’m grateful for them.



His pictures are all over my house and I know I’ll carry him with me wherever I go, but if we ever move I’ll be a little sad that I’m leaving the last place that Eric knew me and my family.

#346 Accidental Song

I am doing a lot of walking these days trying to lose the baby weight. Yesterday my big boys had Tae Kwon Do and there is an indoor track literally steps from the door to their classroom, so the baby and I did laps. I was listening to music as I walked and a great song came on that I hadn’t heard in a while. I am a singer and there are certain songs that I find almost irresistible, the sound almost flies out of me before I am aware. It just feels that good to sing these songs. And it almost happened on the track yesterday. I caught myself just barely in time and my first thought was how Eric and I would laugh if I had actually belted out a song. It made me laugh and smile to myself. Anyone else on the track who saw me must have thought I was crazy. But I didn’t care. Because Eric wouldn’t have cared. He never cared what anyone thought.




I can remember Eric in a pool at a hotel in Tel Aviv with flippers, snorkel and mask. I was 16 at the time and thought he was the height of dorkiness; I was embarrassed to be related to him, but he never cared.



Thinking about him made me smile as I walked; it actually put a bounce in my step. And after the other two walkers left the track and I was on the section that was behind the classroom where the kids were and no one else could see, I did a few dance steps to another great song. I’m not as brave as Eric, but I’m trying.

#345 The End is Near

It seems I am slowing down my blogging pace. Some of this is undoubtedly due to the presence of the baby. It’s hard to accomplish much when he wants to eat every three hours and takes at least 30 minutes of that time to get it done. Still, I wonder if some of it has to do with a desire not to finish.




I enjoy writing the blog and sharing my life with all of you. I love the feedback that I get here, on facebook and through email. I like the dedicated time to think about Eric, even though I think about him all the time anyway.



Mostly though, I don’t want another ending in my life. I don’t think I want to finish. I’m toying with the idea of only writing for 365 days. That way I can always come back and finish it later…or not. And it isn’t quite so final.



When I started this blog I wondered if it would hurt to end it, if it would bring back all those fresh memories of loss and now I know that it will. 366 days seemed like forever, but it’s almost gone. And Eric’s still gone. And I still hurt. Although it has gotten somewhat easier to manage.



I also want to create something really special for the last one and I’m not sure I’m up to the task. He was so much more creative than me; so much funnier. I can never come up with what he would have done, but I don’t want to fail at my best attempt. If I leave that spot blank, I can’t be disappointed with what I put there. Then again, if I don’t try I’ll never know what I could have come up with.



I don’t know how or even if this blog will officially end, but I’m still planning on blogging in a slightly different, less Eric-centric forum. I hope you’ll still follow me there and I hope it doesn’t feel too much like a betrayal.



Thanks Eric for getting me into something I really enjoy. Now if only you could show me how to make a living with it, because I’m sure you would have had some plan to do it.

#344 Siblings

My seven year old is a very high strung child. He is sensitive and quick to tears and has a very astute sense of fairness. He’s a lot like I was as a child. Yesterday all the stress of a new brother, a long plane trip that caused an early morning followed by a late night at a sporting event caught up to him and he had a meltdown. My middle child was sick and he and the baby were getting a lot of attention and my oldest accused me of liking the middle child more than him. It broke my heart a little bit because I remember thinking that way growing up.




I took my oldest away from everyone else so we could have a private talk. I held him and told him how much I love him and we talked about siblings. I told him that I know it’s hard to be the oldest, but that I also know that when he’s older he’s going to have two brothers that will be his good friends and they’ll have memories together that no one else will have. I told him I know this because of my relationship with Uncle Eric. As I was telling him this my son said, “Mommy, your eyes are sparkling.” It was because I was tearing up.



I didn’t want to cry, and even more I didn’t want to give my dramatic son another reason to cry, but I couldn’t help it. I miss that special relationship that Eric and I had. I’ll never have another one like it. It makes me really happy to know that my boys will have that kind of relationship with each other.



Eventually I got my son cheered up and later that night he taught his younger brother to read. Seriously. I watched them playing and interacting beautifully and hoped that will be one of the memories they keep forever. I know it will be one that I keep forever.

#343 Contrasts

Yesterday was such a contrast to how I felt after Eric died. Of course I am sad that my grandmother is gone. It hit me at random spots throughout the day and it is still hitting me. And yet I was able to go to the mall to walk with a friend, do the laundry, take the oldest to Tae Kwon Do, participate in the middle child’s school Seder and cheer at his tee-ball game.




I could not have done any of that the day I found out about Eric. I could barely walk, talk and eat that day. Or many of the following days.



My patience was a little shorter yesterday and I felt a little more exhausted, but it was easier to accept that life goes on.



My husband and I told each boy about Grandma separately, mostly due to time constraints in our schedules. They took it well. Both were sad, but it was interesting to see how they processed it differently. The 7 year old wanted to know how she got sick and why she couldn’t get better. The 4 year old wanted reassurance that he wasn’t going to die….ever.



I miss my Grandma and I always will, but not with the same ache I feel for Eric. Part of it is the difference in our relationships and part is the difference in the circumstances of their deaths. While I took many things from Eric’s apartment just in case I found myself needing them someday, I only want one thing from Grandma. She had a little candy bowl that was always filled with Andes Candies when I was growing up. I used to love to go and find it and have one. I want that bowl. I want to look at it and think of her and remember. And somehow that will help the pain go away.

#342 Mourning Again

I was wrong. So was the hospice nurse. Grandma was right; she didn’t have much time left. She passed away in her sleep early this morning.




There was a change yesterday. She talked and ate even less than she had been doing. She was scared. She was given medication to help relieve her anxiety and my mother stayed with her all day. I hope the final transition was gentle. I hope she is at peace. I will miss her.



This is so different from losing Eric. It still hurts, but it was her time. She knew it, and she got to say goodbye. She would not have wanted to linger without control over her bodily functions; she was embarrassed enough that she needed oxygen.



Goodbye Grandma. I love you. I hope somewhere you are with Grandpa and Eric and your sisters and everyone else that you have loved and lost. We’ll miss you, but we’ll be ok. Thank you for everything.

#341 Bumper Sticker

Yesterday I got a haircut, but that really has nothing to do with this post. On the way to the salon I saw a bumper sticker that I can’t get out of my head. I was cruising down a two lane street and right at the place where it narrows to one lane the car to the left of me sped up and cut me off. It was mildly annoying, but it happens. This put me behind a car with multiple bumper stickers. I read them all, but the only one I remember is this.




“If found on ground drag over the finish line.”



Ay.



I know what they meant, I know they love running, but still, it made me cringe.



I don’t want to be one of those people who can’t take a joke and take everything way too seriously, but this struck a chord with me. One that’s still striking. I don’t know how to turn it off.



I guess I’ll just go about my business and hope it gradually fades.

#340 I need a leash.

Spring is the season of baseball in my house. I am not a fan of professional baseball, but my husband is a die-hard Cubs fan and is trying to turn my sons into ones as well. The baseball that permeates our house, however, is Little League. For the last two years, my oldest son has played Tee-ball and I have chased the middle one around the field while desperately trying to get a glimpse of the older one playing. This year the oldest is playing machine pitch and the middle is finally getting to play Tee-ball. Both boys are loving it, but I am still chasing the middle one around the field at the other one’s games.




Why?



I thought as he got older it would be easier to go to the games with him. I thought he would listen and stay with me or possibly even be interested in watching the game. No such luck. I am so jealous of the moms whose children sit by them calmly through the entire game. My child is at the snack-bar, under the tables, on top of the tables, in the bathroom, trying to take down the American flag, climbing the back stop etc. If I don’t watch him literally every second, I don’t know where he is.



Last Sunday night we went out to dinner with friends at a local restaurant. It is a small place so theoretically it shouldn’t be hard to keep an eye on the kids. Well, it was. Once again my middle child was under the table, in the kitchen, in the bathroom and at one heart-stopping moment coming in from outside when I didn’t know he had left. He had literally been holding my hand two minutes before.



I am exhausted after these events. And I feel like a terrible mother since I can’t even keep an eye on my child.



My mother usually can trump every story I tell with a story about how terrible Eric was as a child. When I told her about my little man leaving the restaurant, she said he was just like Eric. Uh oh.



This is not the way I want them to emulate him.

#339 Can you feel the love tonight?

While I was in Savannah I of course stayed with my parents. This means we have cocktail hour nightly. It is a wonderful life. Cocktail hour comes complete with cocktail music and usually lasts several hours until someone gets hungry enough to actually notice we haven’t had dinner yet. Then we eat and go to bed. Have I mentioned what a nice way that is to spend an evening?




One of the nights I was there we started talking about Eric and music. Those of you who know him or read this blog, know that he would fixate on one song and sing it over and over and over again and again and again. And again. And he can’t sing. It could be very painful.



When my parents and Eric moved to Bangkok (I was in college) he fixated on a song from The Lion King. I was never really exposed to that one, but it’s the one my parents remember most. I can understand why since they were living in an apartment at the time. It was a very nice apartment, but his bedroom was next to theirs which was next to the family room, etc. If someone in that apartment was singing, everyone heard it.



My parents didn’t remember which song it was, but thanks to my iPhone and a Google search we figured out it was “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?”. The cocktail music runs through my dad’s computer, so first he tried to get that system to play the song. Inexplicably, it wouldn’t work. Next I tried to download a YouTube clip on my phone. It downloaded, but thanks to my parents’ slow network, wouldn’t play.



We may not have been able to hear the song, but Eric, we were feeling the love that night. I hope somewhere you are too. And that you are not singing about it.

#338 Visit to Grandma

Sorry for the silence the last couple of days, I went to visit my grandmother and didn’t have time to blog.




It was a quick, impromptu trip and just the baby and I went. This meant that the night before the trip I had to have a conversation with the older boys that was eerily similar to one I had before leaving for Las Vegas. I told the boys that Grandma was sick and I didn’t know if she was going to get better so I was going to go see her. With Eric, I just told them he was sick. It never even occurred to me he wasn’t going to get better when I had the conversation with them. I was worried about stirring up sad memories, or that the boys would get scared that another relative was dying and wonder who would be next. Eric left us over a year ago, but it’s still very fresh in all of our minds.



The boys took it very well. They told me they hoped that she got better. We talked about what a long life she has had and they were astonished at her age. We talked about how everybody dies and we hope it happens after a long, full life like Grandma’s.



That’s easy to say.



Grandma actually looked a lot better than she sounded on the phone. She is frail and lies there in bed like she can’t do anything else, but she can. She is failing somewhat, she needs oxygen and she talked about Russian sherbet when she meant Greek yogurt, but for the most part her mind is still sharp. Grandma is scared. She won’t tell anyone that, but that’s what I think. She doesn’t want to try and get out of bed for fear that she will fail. She doesn’t want to know what her limitations really are, how close to the end she might be.



How terrifying it must be to know the end is coming and not to know what awaits, if anything. In some ways it would be easier to go like Eric, not knowing what is happening, not anticipating the end of everything you know.



I don’t think Grandma is going anywhere imminently and I think she is milking the drama of the situation (she listed jewelry she wanted me to have), but the end is closer than it used to be and that is scary.



I hope Grandma finds a way to deal with her fear and that her eventual passing is easy. I hope it doesn’t happen for a while yet though.

#337 Blackout

For those of you who noticed that I again skipped a day of posting this week I say, it was not my fault!! I wasn’t sleeping or busy with the baby or out of ideas, we had a power failure. It lasted an entire day. Really.




There were huge storms in Charlotte and our power went out at about 3:00 am and didn’t come back on until about 8:00 pm. I actually had a blog written and ready to go but couldn’t get online to do it. I guess I could have gone to Starbucks or somewhere else to upload it, but I was too busy protecting my freezer full of breast milk. You moms out there will understand how important this is. Now the power is back on, the majority of the milk has been saved and I am back to blogging.



I was trying to think of power failures that Eric and I experienced together and I can’t think of one. The only really memorable one was one that happened when I was home alone. I was in late middle school or early high school and my parents were out to dinner in the city and Eric was sleeping over a friend’s house. I was by myself and all of sudden the power went out. It was not a stormy night and I could see that the power was on in the house next door and I got scared. I thought someone was trying to break in. I’ve always had an overactive imagination.



I can’t remember if I called my parents at the restaurant (no one had cell phones back then) and they told me to call Eric’s friend or if I just called, but somehow Eric’s friend’s cute older brother ended up coming over to stay with me. I was pleased with this outcome, although the older brother may not have been….



So even though Eric was not there with me during the blackout (which turned out to be a slow moving brownout, no bad guys in sight), he still provided me with a great night.



Thanks.

#336 What would you say?

My 4 year old is over the moon in love with the baby. He’s constantly touching him, hugging him, holding him or bringing him toys. It’s really sweet. Yesterday he was holding the baby and telling me that he had to be gentle because babies are fragile. He then went on to elaborate that fragile means breakable and that he didn’t want to break our baby. He didn’t want our baby to die like Uncle Eric had died. Heartbreak.




Next he told me that he was sad that Uncle Eric had died and he wished that hadn’t happened. He missed Uncle Eric. Then he asked me if Uncle Eric was going to be dead forever.



Somehow we got onto the fact that everybody dies and he got scared and told me he didn’t want to die. I told him it wouldn’t happen for a long, long time; not until he was an old, old man. (Luckily he didn’t ask me how I knew.) He still didn’t want to die. So we talked about how no one wants to die.



Then he told me again he wished he could see Uncle Eric. I asked him what he would say to Uncle Eric if he could come back. I was clearly hoping for something sweet and poignant, maybe something to lead to a longer discussion or something cute and bloggable.



He said, “I thought you were dead.”



Well, that about sums it up. That’s pretty much what we would all say if Eric came strolling back into our lives now. Not really what I was going for though….

#335 Grandma

My mother just called to tell me that my grandmother’s care givers have recommended hospice care for her.




My grandmother is 93 years old and has always been feisty and active. Up until a few years ago she was splitting her time between NY and Florida, enjoying Broadway shows, films and golf. She always had a big group of friends and played cards and Mah Jong.



She’s gradually been slowing down and a fall resulting in a broken hip and a prolonged hospital stay with pneumonia convinced her it was time to give up her apartment. She moved to Savannah to be closer to my parents and went into an assisted living facility. She quickly gained a whole new circle of friends and continued watching movies, playing cards and generally being the leader of the pack. She just has that kind of personality. She was president of her college class for all four years. She has magnetism.



She has been in and out of the hospital this past year with a multi-drug resistant pneumonia. She just got home about a week ago and seems to have lost her spirit. She won’t get dressed or go down to meals or even open her eyes sometimes.



This doesn’t seem like the woman who told my husband he’d better be able to keep me in the style to which I’d become accustomed before we got married. Or the woman who advised my actor friends to switch careers so they could actually make money. Or the woman who would ask me every time I came home from a volunteer shift at the hospital if I’d met a doctor to marry so I wouldn’t “have” to go to medical school. Or in my favorite story, the woman who told her future husband as he proposed that she had such big hands she’d just have to have a bigger ring.



I’ve seen pictures of my grandmother from that time and she was truly glamorous. Her clothes, her hair, her face, she was stunning. She still is although I could do without the track suits….



She’s 93 and lived a full life, but still this is hitting us all hard. I guess it’s good that Eric doesn’t have to go through this, but I know he’d want to be there with us. And I know she’d want him there too.

#334 Why do I have to be rational?

I have written repeatedly about my fear of running because of what happened to Eric. I know it’s not entirely rational, but it’s there nonetheless. I cringe when I see ads for local races or when I hear about friends running in them. A friend of mine recently took up running and just successfully completed her first 10K and I’m happy for her, but then again I’m not. I’m scared.




My husband wants to start running again. He has run on and off ever since I have known him. He wanted to start running last spring and I freaked out on him and he didn’t do it. I made him promise that he would see a doctor before starting a running program and he agreed. I figured this was safe, he was never going to go to the doctor, after all, he’s a man.



Instead of running, my husband started P90X, an exercise program he can do at home. He’s had great results with it, but now he wants to mix it up a little and add in some running. And he has a doctor’s appointment scheduled.



He asked me the other night if I’m going to be ok with him running if he gets permission from the doctor. I don’t know what to say because I don’t know the answer. I want him to get in shape and exercise and do it in the way he wants to, but I can’t lose him. All of a sudden running seems like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. Or train dodging.



I think I’m going to have to let him run, but I don’t think I am ever going to be completely ok with it. You can’t let fear run your life, right?

#333 Promises

As I was cradling my 5 week old (5 weeks already!!) the other night, I was talking to him. It was nothing profound, mostly a narration of our day or what I was doing. He was fussy and I was trying to calm him down. At one point he looked scared (he has the greatest facial expressions even though they’re probably all caused by gas) and I told him not to worry, that I would keep him safe. I promised.




Then I thought about Eric. I’m sure my mother promised him the same thing, verbally or not. It’s an implicit promise we all make to our children. And I know my mother did her best to keep that promise. Who could have known that a so-called healthy activity would end the way it did? How can I keep my promise when there is so much in the world that is out of my control?



I have been known to be a control freak, but you can’t control someone’s life. At 5 weeks it’s pretty easy. I control what he eats, where he goes, what he sees. But as he gets older it only gets harder. I’ll never forget when my oldest son was 3 and he called me a bitch. Thank you daycare. But that doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t have gone to daycare, it was just an unfortunate side effect of another family’s divorce.



I can’t and I shouldn’t go everywhere with my kids. They need to have experiences on their own. But all of this makes it harder to keep my promise.



Still, I will do what I can when I can and hope and pray that it’s enough.



**The afternoon after I wrote this blog I asked my 4 year old what he liked best about being a big brother. He said keeping the baby safe. I’ll take all the help I can get.

#332 Labyrinth

On Friday my 7 year old didn’t have school because of a teacher work day. He and I (and the baby) went on a long walk around our neighborhood. I love walking around our neighborhood. There are many different ways we can go and plenty of beautiful houses and landscaping to look at as we walk. Usually I go by myself, or now with the baby, but with my older son today it was nice to have some conversation as I walked.




I let my son pick our route and the way he chose to go took us by a local Baptist church. The church has a labyrinth laid out on its grounds, a place that is dedicated to introspection and discussion with God. My son knows this because we have been that way before and we have read about it. He loves to walk the labyrinth. As he walked it today he reminded me we were supposed to be talking to God. I asked him if he was and he said yes, he was asking God to look after Uncle Eric in heaven. I about melted on the spot.



I love that my son thinks about Uncle Eric, although I wish he didn’t feel the need to take care of him. I wish all he had to think about was what crazy amazing gift was coming from his uncle next. But since he can’t have that, I’m glad he thinks about his uncle in heaven. If Eric acts up there anything like he does down here God probably needs help being patient with him. Maybe my son’s prayers helped with that.

#331 Project Runway

I have mentioned before that maternity leave has given me the opportunity to indulge my inner HGTV junkie. Unfortunately, there are only so many HGTV shows and I’m encountering more and more episodes that are no longer new to me. Re-runs in other words. So this morning I was looking for something else to watch as I fed the baby and so I searched the guide and found “Project Runway”. I have never watched it before, but I know it was one of Eric and Katie’s favorite shows and what inspired him to design a dress for her. So I’m watching.




I never thought it would be the kind of show that I would like, but I do like it. The designers on this episode are making clothes inspired by pieces from the Metropolitan Museum of Art. One is doing Grecian type robes, another a Spanish military piece and still another a piece inspired by a peacock from a painting. It’s actually pretty engrossing. I actually paused when I had to leave the room because I didn’t want to miss anything.



Thanks Eric, without you I would have missed this engrossing fluff. It’s way better than that movie “Dogville” you made me watch…..