#121 Inspiration

A few days ago my blog was basically a plea for interaction from you. It was a little bit selfish, I wanted some feedback, but I was also curious about who might be reading that I haven’t heard from. Many of you who read occasionally stop by on facebook or email or even, gasp, over the phone or in person, but some of you I don’t know so this isn’t possible. Thank you to those of you who commented on that blog.

I got a comment from a woman named Rachel that reaffirmed why I am doing this. This blog started as a way to stop avoiding my grief, to stop burying it underneath all of my essential daily tasks. It is still that. It has also become a way to reach out to others and to hopefully help them in their grief. Thanks Rachel for letting me know that it’s working, and I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure your hospice patients are grateful to you for your understanding and compassion.

The other night I was talking with my husband as I was getting ready to go to bed. We weren’t really talking about Eric but he came up tangentially and all of a sudden I was crying. I miss him so much. I haven’t cried about him in a really long time…have I mentioned that I really don’t like to cry? It kind of felt good though. I kept telling my husband, I’m ok, I just really miss him. And he stayed with me and held my hand and rubbed my back and made it really ok. Even in grief I’m a caretaker, I don’t want my husband to be upset just because I’m upset. But, luckily, he can see through that most of the time and give me what I need but for some reason have trouble requesting.

Grief is a process. A long drawn out one. As it should be. A life should not be taken lightly, no matter how long or short it was. Another friend of mine was grieving this past weekend for a baby lost 10 years ago. I don’t think it gets easier, but you do get used to it, if that makes sense.

I struggle against the getting used to it; I don’t want to accept my new normal. But I know I have to, and I guess someday I will, whether I like it or not.