#6

I’m glad I don’t have anyone to blame for Eric’s death.

I try to be a good person, I try to live by my personal moral and ethical rules; but there are some things I don’t think I could overcome. Before we had children my husband and I struggled to get pregnant. We spent a year working with fertility doctors before we finally conceived our oldest son. I have always loved babies, happily envied pregnant women and eagerly awaited the time in my life when I would be ready to have babies of my own. That year, I turned into a different person.

I was an intern in a hospital outside Philadelphia and my fertility doctor had his office in that same hospital. On many days I would round on my patients and then sneak away for a blood test, an ultrasound, or even an intra-uterine insemination. I probably made it harder on myself by not telling any of my co-workers what I was going through, but I didn’t feel comfortable doing that.

Three things happened with frightening frequency that year. My sweet little old lady patients would remind me that I shouldn’t wait to have kids. I would end up in elevators with newborns. I would have drunk, combative ER patients scream at me “I just can’t be pregnant again!”. It was really hard. Every song on the radio seemed to be about families or kids. One of our best friends got pregnant. I got bitter. I became a person I didn’t recognize. I was insanely jealous of every pregnant woman I saw, and they were everywhere! It was horrible. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t been able to get pregnant, but I hope I would have found a way to turn it around. Luckily, I didn’t have to face that.

I am a crime TV junkie. Every night I go to sleep watching “Dateline on ID”, “Forensic Files”, “On the case with Paula Zahn”, or some other crime show. I like to read murder mysteries too. Lately I’ve been paying more attention to the families of the deceased. Since these cases all involve murder, they obviously involve the sudden shocking death of a loved one. They also all involve someone to blame. To make it onto the show, there has to be a resolution and most of these shows end with trials. Most times the suspect is convicted, sometimes he or she is not. Does that make the blame different? I am having a hard enough time with a sudden death that is nobody’s fault, how do you get over one that was intentionally caused? How do you move on? Many times the families will say they forgive the perpetrator. I don’t think I’m capable of that.

As a physician, I have many friends who are physicians. I have gone over the medical details of Eric’s death many, many times. I have never looked at his chart or his scans and I never will. I don’t think anything was done wrong, but if it was I don’t want to know. I don’t think I could ever get over that. That would make it my fault.

Losing someone makes you think about things you never did before. I never thought I’d be grateful about the manner of my brother’s death.

But I am.