#14 Mommy's Little Manual of Things that Everyone Else Can do

Mother’s Day

Excerpts from “Mommy’s Little Manual of Things that Everyone Else Can do” by Eric

"A note:

The editors of MLMOTTEECD are aware of the varied reading skills of our audience and would thusly like to present our patented four things to keep in mind while reading:

1) Start at the beginning
2) At the bottom of each page, turn it and begin again at the top of the next page.
(NOTE: If the next page looks familiar, go back to the page you have just read and turn the other way, you dolt!)
3) Read from top to bottom, left to right.
4) Stop reading at the end.

Chapter One

Part One: The Light Switch

It is said that the day Edison gave his wife her first light bulb was the day he decided to stop inventing. I would like to emphasize that the inability to efficiently operate light switches when there are more than one switch next to each other on the wall should not be the constant source of terrible embarrassment that it has become for mommies worldwide. A recent pole conducted by the Bureau that Pretends to Care What People Think, or the BTPTCWPT, shows that not being able to operate a light switch should be no more embarrassing than say, peeing yourself during a ballet recital or say, vomiting on the Prime Minister of Japan. So, mommies, if you do fee embarrassed at having to read this section just remember, there are people who can’t even, umh, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, well maybe you should be just a little embarrassed.

Many of you have noticed that there is an odd correlation between switching on a light switch and having a light turn on. Some of you may even have begun to suspect that a particular switch will ALWAYS correspond to the same particular light. If you have, BRAVO! If you haven’t, don’t worry, you’re not alone.

The problem for mommies arises from one of two sources. The first is the question I am most often asked: “When it is dark, how do you find the damn switch?”
-To find a light switch in the dark it is best to try and remember where the switch was when you turned the light off, or at another time entirely.

POINTS TO REMEMBER:
- Light switches are immobile! Just as one switch will always work one particular light, that one switch will always be in the same place each time.
- Most light switches are on the inside of a room, to the right of the door, and can be reached without actually entering the room. If not, wait until morning and then paint foot prints in fluorescent paint on the floor leading to the light switch.
- When you walk into a dark room, it doesn’t matter which switch you hit (NOTE: This rules does not apply in missile silos, on nuclear submarines, or on construction sites). If you hit one and turn on ANY light, you will be able to find the other switches.
- If you hit a switch and hear an odd noise, screaming, a machine turning on or off, or a missile launch, switch the switch again and remember: YOU NEVER TOUCHED IT.

The other question that I come upon often in my seminars is: “But what do you do when there is more than one switch on the wall?” I took the question to Miloomband Felerogono, a doctor of tribal medicine at the University of Dulkumpodo in the Upper Volta and was answered, “Imboatu hama komolofo garboolgisnat stupidufo dumasikij gusato”. If that doesn’t clear things up, I’m sorry; I’m still waiting for the translation. In the meantime, follow these helpful hints:

1) Try making a chart of which switch controls what and keep track of the switches by assigning them numbers. Then paste your chart to the wall and label the switches with red nail polish. Then, when you come into the room, just refer to your chart. If this presents problems check for these common errors:
1) Did you paste the chart upside down?
2) Did you paste the chart backwards?
3) Did you paste the chart near the light switch?
4) Did you paste the chart at all?????

2) Get lots of practice.

3) One can also utilize the Dannt technique which is to yell at the top of your lungs “(Insert husband’s name here), Where’s the damn switch?!” If you yell angrily enough, he will probably find it easier to just switch on the damn thing than to make some kind of argument out of the whole deal."