# 28 Don't kill me for not running

Have you ever thought about how many times a day you use the verbs to kill or to die? How about synonyms for them like keel over or kick the bucket? Since December I have been noticing how often these sentiments occur in my speech and my writing and have been making an effort to curb them. It’s really hard.

For example, in another blog post when I wanted to convey that my mother was shocked I almost wrote that it killed her. I had to take that out. Sometimes I am so fed up with my kids I say I am going to kill them. (not to them, they might take me seriously, but to my husband, or mom, or a friend) Sometimes I want something so much I say I would die for it.

These no longer feel harmless to me. Of course I’m not going to kill my kids, and I’m not going to die to get my bathroom renovation. (I mean really, what would be the point of that???) But some little part of me feels like I’m tempting fate.

I have a similar problem with running. Eric died because he ran a marathon. Millions of people run everyday and are fine. I never really liked to run, but my aversion to it now is more than just a convenient excuse. The weekend after Eric’s marathon, a good friend of mine ran one in Charlotte. I had trouble breathing until I knew she was done. Some of Eric’s friends ran a marathon in his memory and truly, it was a wonderful thing for them to do, but I hated it.

This week my 6 year old’s school had a mile run. The kindergartners only did 3/5 of a mile, but still the focus was on running. This was an activity I could not volunteer to help with. My 6 year old did really well (5min 17sec with those little legs!), and of course I congratulated him, but in my head I was screaming “NO running!”

I didn’t let him know when his school offered an after school running club. If he knew about it, he’d probably want to do it, so I just let that one pass. He swims and plays t-ball and gets plenty of exercise at recess and in the backyard. I feel no need to encourage running.

I don’t know what I’ll do when he’s older if he starts running to stay in shape or wants to join track. I know he really enjoys running laps in his after school program, so this is a distinct possibility. I probably won’t forbid it; I’ll just do some more screaming in my head. Or maybe I’ll feel better about it by then.

It’s important to be active and in shape, but please let’s find another way. It won’t kill us, or maybe it will.