Is this blog helping or postponing the pain?
Everybody I know is really busy. We all wish we had more time to decompress, to get our children to activities, to be with our spouses or even just to sleep. I have found that I don’t have time to grieve. In December I took off about two weeks from work and that was it. I have had my meltdowns, I have cried, I have missed a turn because I’m thinking about Eric instead of where I’m going, but I don’t have ongoing time to devote to grieving.
It really upsets my children to see me upset. I have been very honest with them about Eric’s death. My 6 year old gets it, my 3 year old doesn’t. My 3 year old just wants Mommy to stop crying. Even the 6 year old bounces back quickly because, well, he’s 6. It’s not fair to them to be sad all the time. I hold it in when I’m around them. I didn’t cry when we gave my 6 year old birthday presents from an Uncle who was no longer with us. I didn’t cry last week when my 3 year old picked out a bedtime story written by that same Uncle.
It’s not fair to my husband to be always sad around him either. I have an amazing husband. He is incredibly supportive and is always there for me. I appreciate that, and I don’t want to take advantage of it.
I certainly can’t grieve at work.
So what does that leave? Sometimes I think the only time I’m alone is when I’m commuting. That’s actually when the idea for this blog came to me. I have felt hassled and harried and overwhelmed for a long time now. The name of the musical “Stop the World—I want to get off” has been going through my head almost non-stop.
This blog is a way to force myself to find the time to grieve. And I think it works at that. I have felt more relaxed and more able to think about Eric since I started it. I look forward to writing it. The response from family, friends and even strangers has been overwhelming in a good way. I’m really excited about it.
Yesterday, it occurred to me that I might just be postponing my grief. If I fill my life with a flutter of activity about Eric then I don’t really have to let him go. I don’t want to let him go. But don’t I have to at some point?
I’m not stopping the blog, I’m getting way too much out of it, and I really like doing it. I just wonder how I will feel when it’s all over. Will I be healed? Can I ever really be healed? Will the end of the blog re-create my loss? Will it be like losing him all over again?
I don’t know the answers to these questions, I don’t think anyone does. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
Hey there. For what it's worth, my mom died 3 years ago this month, and in a really horrible way... and I still haven't grieved. I won't allow myself. When she was dying, I had 2 small children and another baby on the way... and as you know, kids don't allow much time for self-indulgence. And so I trudged along, always focusing on the kids and their daily needs. I'm still doing that, 3 years later. I don't know if it's going to be harder or easier whenever I finally allow myself to feel the pain. I just know that there's no right or wrong way to do this. As long as you're still moving forward, you're doing exactly what you're supposed to do. And what Eric would have wanted. xoxo.
ReplyDeleteI don't know either...everybody handles these situations differently. Personally, I think this is such a nice tribute to your brother and it gives you the chance to focus on the great memories you have of him. I can't speak from experience but I think your ability to enjoy and share these memories may well be a positive step in your grieving process.
ReplyDeleteI was so sorry when I heard of your loss and find myself seeking out your latest post to this blog...I think it's beautifully done.