#30 30 Days does not a month make

It’s been a month. Ok, if it were February it would be over a month and if it were May (which it is) it would be under a month. Eric would definitely call me on that. Since I’m not going by the calendar I’m just going to call 30 days a month. Ok Eric??

With this entry I will have shared my grief, my stories, my pain and my gratitude with you 30 times. I know some of you find this too painful to read (and therefore aren’t reading this either), but most of you have expressed positive reactions. I know this has been a huge positive for me.

I owe Eric for helping me rediscover that I like to write. And that I’m ok at it.

I owe Eric for making me look back and pull out our childhood memories and set them down for all time. I’m not done with that by any stretch.

I owe our family and friends for also helping me revive memories that I had already forgotten.

I owe my husband for editing and cheerleading.

I owe spell check a lot.

I owe you for reading.

I hate the need for this blog, but I’m glad I’m doing it and I’m glad you’re reading it.

When I was in elementary school we wrote stories and bound them and “published” them. I don’t remember what mine was about, but I know the resolution involved the protagonist waking from a dream. (Wow, that’s definitely a sentence I couldn’t have written in elementary school.) I always think of that as the “Wizard of Oz” ending. Even then I knew it was a cop out, but couldn’t think of any other way to end the story. I wish that could happen now. I wish I could wake up and have Eric back. I would give up a lot to make that happen. But of course, I can’t.

Looking for silver linings in this death is crap. There is no silver lining. Eric had too much to offer and left too much undone. Still, since I’m not going to wake up to my life as I want it, I’ll take this blog. And a million dollars if you’re offering.