This blog has become as much about me as it is about Eric. I think that is inevitable given that I am writing it and everything is filtered through my experiences and memories. Is it too much about me? Is it a selfish enterprise?
I guess in a way, it was always a selfish enterprise. I started it to help my grief. I was hoping that it would help others as well, and from feedback I’m getting I think it is, but really I did it for me.
When I start to think about that, I wonder why I couldn’t have chosen to write in a journal instead. I could still get down all of my thoughts and preserve them for my children and anyone else who might be interested. That doesn’t appeal to me at all. I think it is the act of sharing and getting feedback that makes this process work for me. I like knowing that I am helping the people who knew Eric remember him and introducing him to new people. In this way his memory grows.
Of course I also like having an audience. I have always been that way. I don’t know if it is good, bad or otherwise, but I have always loved being on stage and the center of attention. Growing up we lived on a busy street and I would dance and sing at the top of my lungs at the end of our driveway and hope someone driving by would “discover me”. I participated in school and community shows and singing groups. I went to Northwestern University undergrad to be a part of their theatre department. Now, if you’ve read my bio, or know me, you know I didn’t end up in show business. But if you think about it, being a doctor is kind of like show business. I have to charm every patient so they’ll come back and see me. I have to act like I know it all so they’ll have confidence in me. I even occasionally have to get up on stage and give a talk.
So I guess even in grief I need an audience. I don’t know if that makes me selfish or if everyone is like that. I want everyone who is reading this to know how much I appreciate you. This blog would not work without you. Those of you who leave comments on the blog, on my facebook page or in my email make my day. Thank you for letting me share my grief and my brother with you.
This is not selfish. It's cathartic. It allows you to articulate memories, and love, and loss; but at a higher standard because you can't rely on the shorthand that you might use if you were just writing this to yourself. It's also generous, because it allows those of us who weren't fortunate enough to know Eric in life to experience some of his charm and charisma after his death. Thank you for sharing him with us. xo.
ReplyDeleteit is not selfish at all. I am relating to thongs about my own brother, with a smile, or think about the lose of a loved one and cry. It is very healing. I am only to this 21st day and I think you should get this published. It would help so many people.
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