#13

How can I reassure my kids I’ll always be there for them when Eric will not?

Yesterday in the car my 6 year old told me that when I die he’ll make a holiday for me. Then he quickly told me that he doesn’t want that to happen any time soon. In his words, “I can wait for it, Mommy”. Then my 3 year old asked me if I was going to die and said that if I die, then they can’t “have me”. He’s a complete Mommy’s boy and he was starting to get upset at this point. I told him not to worry, that I wasn’t going anywhere, but then he said, “Well, Uncle Eric is still dead.”

Yes he is. And none of us saw that coming.

Is it lying to reassure my kids that I’ll be around for a long, long time when none of us really knows that? Is it wrong?

I don’t know how many of you have ever tried to have a metaphysical conversation with a 6 and a 3 year old. It’s not easy. When we told them that Uncle Eric was in heaven, the 6 year old wanted to take a rocket to get there. When we told him no one knew how to get there, he told us there would be signs. And that was way more productive than talking to the 3 year old.

I don’t plan on dying soon, but then again neither did Eric. I want to be able to reassure my children wholeheartedly that nothing will happen to me and that they don’t need to worry…..but on some level, we all know that may not be true. It doesn’t mean I won’t say it, but will they believe it?

If they don’t believe that, does that mean they will doubt other things that I tell them? Will they stop believing in the tooth fairy, or in germs? What happens when your faith is shaken in someone who is supposed to have all the answers?

I have a patient whose husband died around the same time Eric did. He was very ill, for a very long time, but they still didn’t know his death was imminent. She drove him to the emergency room as he was dying. She also has two children, slightly older than mine. I saw her about a month after this happened and we cried together in the exam room. I saw her again about a month ago and we were both in a much better place. She is incredibly upbeat considering what has happened. Her kids want her to start dating again. They had some preparation, they knew he wasn’t going to be around for too much longer, but it’s still incredibly hard. Especially for the kids.

How do we help them through this loss of innocence? How do we give them a sense of constancy in this ever-changing unpredictable world?

I have recently learned or been thinking about several sudden deaths, both old and new among friends and co-workers. A father who died in a car crash the day after his father’s funeral. A husband who drowned when his wife was 7 months pregnant. Another runner who injured a vein during a race then went into shock and died. A child who died of pneumonia while being life-flighted to a bigger medical center. A baby, due to be born 2 weeks after he died.

How do adults live with all of this uncertainty, let alone children? I think we all live with a healthy dose of denial. It’s the only way possible.

We tell ourselves to live everyday as if it were our last, and yet, we can’t spend every minute wondering if it might really be our last. I guess the lesson here is to follow Eric’s motto, one that makes me cry and smile all at the same time because he can’t follow it anymore.

Live life abundantly.

And deal with the consequences as they come. That last part is mine.