Yesterday I had a patient mention to me that they were supposed to see me a while ago but then my brother died and I had to cancel and then he procrastinated and that’s why he came to see me today. It was totally innocent, the patient is a little simple, but it took my breath away.
I’m still not used to hearing that in everyday conversation. Whenever I think it or say it there is always a pause, sometimes mental sometimes actual. It’s just too impossible to be true. Almost 8 months later and I still can’t accept it; I’m still trying to wish it away. It’s like a toddler’s magical thinking; if I don’t think about it then it can’t be true.
But of course it is true. Will I ever be able to go without the mental whiplash that accompanies comments like that? I covered it, the patient had no idea, probably the student in the room shadowing me also had no idea how much it got to me. And then I still had to finish taking a history and examine the patient and discuss the exam before I could flee. Luckily there wasn’t another patient ready, I could go to my office and steady my breathing and my mind before facing the world again.
There will probably be a lot of moments like that. I hope I have the strength to handle them. A meltdown wouldn’t be pretty, or productive. I can prepare myself for walking through my house and seeing his photograph, his rugs, his artwork on the walls. I can’t prepare myself for random comments.
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