#94 Progress?

I had popcorn for dinner last night. That was such an Eric thing to do that I finally dreamed about him. Of course in my dream he was driving me nuts! We were going shopping for something specific (no clue what of course) with my parents and my husband and my kids and he kept doing stuff to distract my boys and get them all riled up. I think he was also driving like a crazy person. All pretty much standard for Eric. How I wish I could have that back in real life. (Mom, you should know you were trying on ball gowns and you looked fabulous!!)

I don’t know if dreaming about Eric is a good sign or a bad sign or no sign at all in the process of grieving. I do know I woke up surprised that he was in my dream; it was definitely something I noticed.

I am so torn with wanting to get over the rawness, the acute pain of my grief and not wanting to let him go. It’s not like I can bring him back, but I need to keep him present. I’m afraid if I heal, that won’t happen. How can I “get over” this? How can anyone? Is it wrong to want to hold onto it? These are things I struggle with everyday.

Lots of people lose loved ones and at least superficially they move on. They go to work, they live, love, play and get on with life. I guess superficially it looks like I’m doing that too. Do they all feel how I do inside? Like it doesn’t really matter anymore? Like I’m just going through the motions? How do I get back to my real life and not lose Eric even more? Is that possible? Do I even want it to happen?

I don’t think there are any answers to my questions, but at least now you know what goes around and around in my head at night. When I’m not dreaming about Eric.