#69 Stunned

The unpredictability of life is stunning.

We plan and make routines and think we’ve got this thing called life tamed. We have car seats and alarm systems and we hold hands when we cross the street. We walk our children in and out of school; we never lose sight of them in the pool. We know what to expect.

Or so we think. It’s luck that we avoid the reckless driver or the child abductor. It’s luck that the hurricane or tornado misses us.

You think you have it all under control and then a random tree branch falls from the sky and kills your 6 month old daughter and seriously injures her mother.

It’s never all under control. It’s just an illusion we live with. A powerful, calming illusion, but an illusion none-the-less. You can plan all you want, sometimes life leaves you alone and sometimes it doesn’t.

Every parent has felt that horrible, gut wrenching fear of losing a child and then the relief when it turns out he just went to the bathroom by himself. But he could have been taken. It does happen, everyday, to people just like you; good parents, just like you.

You plan and prepare and teach and warn and hope that life lets your illusions stand. That the ever present devastation passes over you and your family this time. That there is no hidden cancer or illness waiting in the wings. That everything really will be ok. Just like we tell ourselves and our children.

We like to think that the monsters only exist in story books and that everything happens for a reason. Do you really believe that? Can you?

I can’t find a reason here. A child is shepherded through the scary parts of life, toddler-hood where running into the street seems like a good idea, the trials and tribulations and successes of grade school, summer camp, high school, college. He gets his own job and supports himself. He’s making his own life, your job is done. Then he’s gone. And you couldn’t foresee it, you couldn’t prevent it. You were happy he was running and keeping in shape. And then he wasn’t. And he never will again.

And it’s stunning.