Eric was my go to guy when I needed to whine. He always listened and usually made fun of me. He rarely sympathized, but he made me laugh. I (almost) always felt better when we got off the phone. I think he felt the same way about me. When either one of us wasn’t feeling well, was bored, was annoyed we called each other. I miss that.
I miss that unconditional acceptance. It didn’t matter that I was annoying him with my whining, he would take it because he was my brother. It didn’t matter that he called me with demands to “entertain” when I was working, or trying to make dinner or any other inopportune times because he was my brother. We couldn’t always be there for the other, sometimes we’d have to postpone, but the option was always there. Until it wasn’t.
There are very few people in life that you can say anything to and know they can handle it. We could fight but it was never an end, just a bump in the road. We were joined together by blood and memory and shared experiences. We were forever. We still are, only now I have to play both roles. And I’m not really good at his.
He was my partner, my collaborator, my brain trust. He was my constant. How can he be gone?
It’s easier not to think about it. I’m pretty good at putting it all in a box and leaving it alone, but sometimes something spills out. Sometimes I get caught up in looking at old pictures…the only kind I’ll ever have of him anymore. Sometimes I get stuck on what is gone. And then the missing him is so painful, so raw, I wonder how I can ever go back to “normal”. How is it that I can function without him? How is it that I can plan, work, eat, laugh without him?
I guess it’s true that life goes on, even when you don’t want it to. And I don’t even have anyone to whine to about it anymore.
I think about the evening phone calls a lot. So often on his drive home just as we'd be sitting to relax after getting the boys to bed. I miss those. I also miss the weekly calls at 2pm on the weekend. He'd call to talk to the boys and he was ALWAYS disappointed that Toby was napping and we'd joke about him finding a different time to call and he'd joke about getting Toby a new nap schedule. Anytime the phone rings on a weekend afternoon, I think for just a brief moment that maybe it's him.
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