Life is relentless. It drags you forward whether you want to go or not. Sometimes you kick and scream, sometimes you joyfully float on its current, but you always move forward.
There are times when doing something new feels like a betrayal of Eric. Then there are times when I don’t even think about it and it hits me later. And that feels worse.
I know I have to go on. Life gives you no choice. The days keep coming, the hours keep moving and you have to keep up. Much as I want to I can’t even slow it down, let alone make it stop.
My kids keep growing and learning and changing. They constantly say crazy things that I wish I could share with Eric. I hate that he is missing them.
I want to freeze the world, just stop and chill and pause. Like a DVR for real life. I just want to catch my breath before the world rips it from me again.
There are too many things to do, to schedule, to orchestrate and too many things to feel. There is never enough time and never time to process. One task leads to another and another and then collapse and do it all again the next day.
Did I feel this so much before? I don’t know. I’m so conscious of the time that’s passing, of the time without Eric. The time that’s making my children older, me older. The time that’s wasted in mundane details like laundry, or dishes or work.
Time is a gift, a constant, a chore, a hamster wheel. Time is life. Life is relentless
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