When someone dies, people always talk about how they reach for the phone to call them before they remember. The same can be said for email. I keep waiting for this to happen to me, but it hasn’t so far. Then I saw the newspaper. There was an article about Starbucks making their Wi-Fi free for customers and I thought how excited Eric would be. He always hated that he had to pay for wireless at Starbucks, and would sometimes go elsewhere just on principle. I saw the article, thought about telling Eric, realized I couldn’t, thought about telling the people I was with and realized that would just depress everyone.
How long until I can have a conversation about Eric and not depress everyone? My parents and I can do this, my husband and a few friends and I can do this, but that’s about it. Death becomes the elephant in the room and people start looking at you funny. They treat you carefully.
It’s not that I don’t want care; it’s just that I need for Eric to still be a part of my life. I don’t want to feel like I can’t bring him up. I actually talk about him quite a bit. Usually I’ll just say “my brother” and people can either let that go, or if they don’t know me that well, might think I have another one.
It’s the people who know me well but I don’t see that often where this is most often an issue. Condolences must be paid, awkward silences must be endured.
Why is this so hard? I think it’s because we don’t know what other people are thinking and how they want us to react. For me a simple statement of sorrow is enough and then lets move on to the rest of our conversation. And when his name comes up, just let it go. Let it be about the topic we’re discussing, not about death.
As far as Starbucks goes, I’ll think about him when I use the wireless there, but I won’t announce how he missed out.
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