Monday, January 31, 2011

#280 Apple Adulation

Have I mentioned before Eric’s love of all things Apple? Hopefully you can read the sarcasm in that sentence. Eric was the reason I first went to the Apple store (and even knew there was an Apple store) here in Charlotte. He needed something fixed on his laptop so we went to the genius bar and they took care of it.




When a friend of mine was thinking about getting a Macbook, it was Eric’s advice we solicited.



I didn’t want to mention this in yesterday’s blog because we hadn’t given it to him yet, but my husband is now the proud owner of an iPad. Eric would be so jealous—or maybe not, maybe he’d already have his own.



My parents, in-laws, brother-in-law and husband’s grandmother and aunt all chipped in with me to get this amazing gift for my husband. I knew he really wanted one and I also knew he didn’t think there was a chance he was getting one. It was fun to watch him open the box and see his eyes get wide. He immediately left for the Apple store to pick out a case. He played with it all last night and was complaining about having to actually work this morning because it was cutting into his playtime.



I love getting people I love things that they love--especially when it’s unexpected. I wish Eric could have been here to appreciate it and advise me on which one to get. I’m sure he and my husband would have had hours of conversation debating the pros and cons of the different varieties and apps. I’m sure Eric would have found some amazing apps that maybe we will or won’t find on our own.



I just miss knowing what he is thinking.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

#279 Happy Birthday to my Husband

Today is my husband’s birthday. Happy birthday to the man who makes everything possible for me. As he so astutely pointed out at dinner last night he has been with me through applying to medical school, medical school itself, the residency match, residency, fellowship, and the craziness that was me studying for my boards. Along the way we have had 2 (and a half) kids, moved twice, and had many, many experiences together. There are many things I don’t think I could have made it through without him, Eric’s death being right at the top of the list.




That said, Eric’s death was incredibly hard for him as well. They were very close, really more brothers than brothers-in-law. They really got each other.



A couple of years ago for my husband’s birthday Eric sent an interesting gift. Eric had a habit of giving out there gifts, things that someone somewhere might want or find useful, just not us. For example he once gave me a wool hat with attached braids and he didn’t mean it as a gag gift. This particular year my husband opened his gift to find a box advertising shoes that help with the yard work. There were rake, brush and even snow shovel attachments for the shoes. The box sang the praises of the shoes including first person testimonials. We thought it was a little odd, but pure Eric. I mean who else could even find something like that?



The gift only got better when we opened the box. There was a huge inside flap that said “Gotcha!” The whole thing was a joke. You can see it here http://www.amazon.com/Kleen%1AStride-Personal-Debris-Removal-System/dp/B001N7Z6IA I laughed as hard as I have ever laughed in my life. It was hysterical. Inside the box was a video game for my husband and a t-shirt of Eric’s he had used for padding. We kept the box and used it on a gift for my husband’s brother. We also kept the shirt and I actually brought it to Las Vegas with me to give back to him last December.



I know my husband misses Eric, maybe even as much as I do. But today, we’re not going to dwell on that. Today we’re going to have cake and give gifts and celebrate. Today is for my husband.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

#278 Memories, photographs and things

I’m reading a book in which the heroine’s sister dies. It’s just a junky mystery novel and so far not even that good, but it’s depressing me. The death (murder) of the younger sister opens the book and the older sister is cast in the role of investigator as the police think it’s a suicide and she, of course, does not.




It’s the scenes of her going through her sister’s stuff that are getting to me. That and just going back and visiting the sister’s empty apartment. I’m glad I was not able to do that. I’m not sure how much that would have affected me given that I never saw him alive there. For me it was a place where I saw his things, not him. Still, I’m glad I didn’t (and don’t) have a specific place to go like that. I don’t think it would have been good for me and I don’t think I could have resisted going.



Given that Eric lived so far away from the rest of us, we only had the time we were there to go through the apartment and tag anything we wanted. The rest we instructed a lawyer to donate or junk depending on worth. In some ways I ended up with a lot of things that will probably never come out of my attic because I didn’t want to leave anything that I might someday want. In other ways it was easier to make the decision to leave things behind because I didn’t have to worry about the disposal. Although if I had unlimited storage space I might have taken it all.



My memories and photographs and his things. That’s all I have left now. It hardly seems possible.

Friday, January 28, 2011

#277 Popcorn and Potter

I’m pretty sure I have touched on Eric’s love for popcorn in this blog. Popcorn is something he could reliably cook and would eat burned when he couldn’t. It served for his dinner on many occasions. He liked it almost as much as he liked Doritos.




Once for his birthday or Chanukah I gave him a ceramic popcorn bowl that looks like one of those red and white cardboard popcorn boxes that you get at the movie theatre. I thought it was a pretty appropriate gift.



When we went through his apartment we found the bowl on a shelf and I tagged it as something I wanted. It’s a lot bigger than I thought it would be and therefore a lot less useful. One package of microwave popcorn gets lost in its depths. Still I hope Eric liked and used it.



When my oldest son turned seven we gave him the first Harry Potter book to read. My husband and I love the books and couldn’t wait to start our kids on them. We weren’t sure what the appropriate age would be, but seven seemed right for the first book. We’ll keep the next book until he turns eight and so on and so forth so they don’t get too dark at too early an age. My son loved the book, much to our happiness.



A couple of days ago we rented the movie and my husband and I watched it with our son. We made it a special occasion with popcorn and hot chocolate. We put the popcorn in Eric’s bowl. My son especially loved that the bowl had been Eric’s so that he could share that moment with us.



I don’t remember if Eric read or liked the Harry Potter books, but regardless, I’m happy to make him a part of our continuing family occasions.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

#276 Patches

Boy have patches changed since Eric had to wear them! The upshot of today’s appointment is that no glasses are needed right now, but that my little guy needs to wear a patch for 2 hours a day for the next 2 months and then get re-checked. Our patches are awesome. We have camouflage ones and pirate ones and the one he wore today with planets and stars. Right now he thinks he is the coolest kid in school and keeps checking to make it sure it’s still there even though I’ve assured him it won’t fall off. (it has its own adhesive) Hopefully he’ll continue to think this is cool through the next 2 months and hopefully we won’t have to deal with it after that.




I remember when Eric first started patching. He had a pirate patch with elastic that went around his head and I can remember him lifting it up to better watch cartoons. My parents moved on rather quickly to the adhesive patch that was harder for him to sneak around. Of course it was plain brown, not cool like ours.



I haven’t yet told my little guy that Uncle Eric wore a patch. I’m saving that news for when he decides he doesn’t want to wear it. I’m hoping he’ll think that being like Uncle Eric is cool and go back to liking the patch. I think it’s pretty cool to be like Uncle Eric, even if this isn’t exactly the way I’d prefer he go about it.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

#275 Eyes

When Eric was in preschool his teacher noticed that he rubbed his eyes a lot and seemed to have trouble seeing when she read stories to the class. After a trip to the eye doctor my parents found out that Eric needed glasses and that the vision in one eye wasn’t as good as in the other so he needed to wear a patch. If you look closely in the picture of him and me as kids, you can see the patch. After what seemed like years of patching, his eyesight did equalize and he just had to wear glasses or contacts.




At about 18 months of life, my husband started wearing glasses because he has an eye that turns in without them. With the glasses his eyes are perfectly straight.



With this family history and my profession, my kids get their eyes checked early and sometimes often. My oldest child has always measured normal for age with his eyes. My youngest has been borderline. Right before we left Oklahoma I had him seen by my mentor, a pediatric and neuro-ophthalmologist and he was VERY far-sighted for his age. His vision was still good and equal (as much as you can measure in a 9 month old) but it was something to watch. Since then the far-sightedness has been decreasing as it should, but when I took the boys in last week for their routine appointment, his left eye didn’t seem to be seeing as well as the right. It was late in the day and the appointment was long and the boys were tired, but we still couldn’t get him to read quite as well with the left eye as the right and there was a small prescription difference between the eyes. The difference shouldn’t have been enough to cause a problem, but well, you never know.



Tomorrow morning I’m going to bring him back in to have his left eye checked again. We’re going first thing in the morning when he shouldn’t be tired and he won’t need to be dilated so the appointment will be much shorter. Hopefully the left eye will test out as well as the right and we won’t need to worry about it. Worst case, he’ll need glasses which isn’t THAT big a deal as Eric and my husband could attest to. Still, I don’t want to have to try and make a four year old who sees perfectly with one eye keep glasses on his face. Oh well, I’ll do what I have to do as my parents did when they struggled with Eric to get him to keep the patch on.



This is one legacy I hope he didn’t pass on.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

#274 Virtual Funerals

The New York Times had an article today about streaming funerals online.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/25/fashion/25death.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&nl=todaysheadlines&emc=tha23

Hmm. Interesting. I understand that loved ones routinely live farther apart today than at any other time in history, and we all want to include everyone, but is this really the way to go?



What is the point of a funeral? I guess it depends on who you are. For the immediate family of the deceased it is a time to mourn and say goodbye and get support from other family and friends. If our friends had chosen to stay home and watch the ceremony online we would have sorely missed their hugs and tears and stories of Eric. On the other hand the funeral is not just for the immediate family and it’s not always possible to travel. For Eric’s friends in New Zealand, or other friends and family for whom the trip was too strenuous, or expensive, it might have been nice for them to be able to participate, albeit remotely.



This was not an option we were given and I honestly don’t know if we would have done it or not. Many of our family and friends who couldn’t make it are not web savvy enough to view it this way anyway. Others who might have wanted to see it were unknown to us (or we didn’t know how to contact them) until well after the ceremony.



I think if this were an option I was considering I would want it to be by invitation only, or at least have a sign in requirement—I’d want to know who was viewing. I have learned through facebook and this blog how you can get genuine, meaningful support online, but only if you know it’s there.



Funerals should be a time for sharing and support. The anonymity of the web can take away from that, but I think there is a way to make this work if only as a choice of last resort. I still think it’s better to be there in person. A smiley face emoticon can never take the place of a hug. I don’t hold it against any of my friends who were not able to make Eric’s ceremony—who understands better than I the demands of kids and job and life? But I will never forget the support of those who did make it.

Monday, January 24, 2011

#273 Word Play

A few days ago I blogged about our new minivan and I am still in love. I love that there are about three or four different ways to open each door, most of which just involve the push of a button. I love the Bluetooth for my cell phone and the interactive in dash navigation system. I love that my kids are still enthralled and feel so special because they “get” to sit in the back row—which is where we want them anyway. I didn’t expect it to make me laugh or remember Eric though. And that’s what happened this morning.




I pulled up at work and pushed the overhead button to open the rear door so I could walk around and get out my work bag. Unfortunately I do still have to do that, it doesn’t bring it around for me…yet…. I happened to glance at the dash and there was little message waiting for me saying “rear gate ajar”. Nothing special there, unless you happen to be a member of my family.



I can remember one family trip that involved a rental car that used to like to speak to us. If someone left a door open it would say “your door is ajar” in a robotic female voice. Eric and I were at just the right ages that this was absolutely hysterical. Our door was not a jar, it was a door. Duh!



I don’t think Eric or I ever got enough of this (although I’m pretty sure my parents did), we wanted doors left open all the time and quoted the voice even when the door wasn’t open.



The only thing that would have made this morning better would have been if the car had spoken to me. But I’m kind of glad it didn’t, otherwise I know we would come full circle and my kids would drive me nuts with it. I appreciated the smile and the memory though.  What's wrong with the word open anyway?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

#272 Addiction

Whose bright idea was it to shoot birds from a slingshot at pigs? And why am I addicted to this game?? Angry Birds is an iPhone app that my family and I have recently discovered and to which we are addicted. All of us. Even the four year old. My husband has an iPhone and we have two iPod touches that the boys use as gaming systems and movie players. Once they go to bed, I use one of the touches. It’s a little insane. The only reason I don’t have an iPhone is because of my service contract with Verizon, but next month that will no longer be an obstacle and hopefully I’ll have one of my own.




The touch that I use was originally Eric’s. In a typical rush of generosity he bought Katie a MacBook (otherwise known as a laptop) and got a free iPod touch with the purchase. He was planning on selling it, but never got around to it. We got it and have put it to very good use. Nothing beats the touches for long car trips or airplane rides with kids. I’m actually surprised that Eric didn’t have an iphone or feel a need for the touch.



Eric was a huge Apple fan. He had one of their laptops and loved it, that being the reason he got one for Katie. He knew how much she could use it at work and at home.



Thinking back, I’m shocked that he had a blackberry and not an iPhone, but perhaps, like me, he was locked into a service contract he didn’t want to pay to break.



He would certainly have one by now and would probably have introduced us to Angry Birds a long time ago significantly decreasing our production and interaction with each other. Although, we do talk about Angry Birds, so maybe it actually increased our interaction….. And we only play it at home (I can say that with certainty for me and the kids, not so sure about my husband….) so at least so far, our production is not suffering.



Eric would have been delighted with the iPhone, the iPad and all the apps. I’m sure I would be sick of listening to him rave about them by now so instead I’ll rave about them for him. Especially Angry Birds.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

#271 Wipeout!

I have written before about the TV shows that Eric introduced us to (#134). They included Sponge Bob Square Pants (before having kids even), Trading Spaces, and Reno 911 among others. Today my husband and kids are curled up on the couch watching a show that I think Eric would have liked. Ok, curled up is probably not the right term, probably not manly enough, I guess they are perched or maybe just sitting…




They are watching Winter Wipeout. This is a show where a bunch of idiots strap on life vests and try to overcome insurmountable obstacles in a timed trial. Those who complete the course the fastest move on to the next nauseating (literally—they spin you) level and compete again. The ultimate winner gets money; I think $50,000, not nearly enough for the torture they go through.



Sometimes the show is funny, the contestant hits an obstacle just right and goes flying in a really hysterical manner, but mostly I just find it and the participants dumb. But I like that my boys are bonding over it. And I feel sure that Eric would have liked it as well. In fact I think he would have loved it.



It doesn’t really upset me that he’s missing out on such low culture, but I hate that he has to miss out on anything at all. Especially something that I know my husband and kids would love to share with him.

Friday, January 21, 2011

#270 Minivan!

I bought a minivan yesterday. I actually went to the dealership myself, researched it myself and purchased it myself. My husband didn’t lay eyes on it until after the deal was done (although there was much discussion). I don’t know why I felt I needed someone else to be there with me, but it felt odd to make such a huge purchase by myself. I did it though. And I really like it.




I wonder what Eric would make of it. I think he would really like it too. It has all kinds of gadgets and gizmos that the boys (my husband included) are still figuring out. There are buttons to open and close the doors and windows in various places. There are seat heaters and a DVD player with two, yes two, fold down screens. There is an in-dash navigation system with satellite radio and who knows what else that we haven’t even figured out yet.



It’s not pretty or stylish. It doesn’t handle like my luxury SUV did. But boy is it handy! And now I have a car that can actually transport the whole family at once with room to spare. When the grandparents come to visit we won’t have to take two cars everywhere.



Actually Eric probably wouldn’t approve because it’s not a luxury minivan. I don’t know if they make such a thing, but if they did, he would want me to buy it. It would probably have a swimming pool (or at least a jacuzzi), a full bar complete with bartender and at least one Apple product (laptop, ipod, ipad) per passenger. Sorry Eric, I got the most options for the least amount of money and I’m going to be happy with that.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

#269 Novel?

Eric was an amateur novelist. He had been working on a science fiction novel and I actually don’t know if he ever finished it. A little over a year ago I decided I was going to try my hand at writing a mystery novel. I figured I have read enough of them, surely I could write one. It’s not quite that easy, there’s a little thing called plot that has to be figured out…




Eric advised me to map out the story on white boards and that I would need about 100,000 words to make it novel length. I ignored his advice and just started writing. For a while it went well, but then I got stuck and I haven’t even looked at it for months on end. I think he was right, I should probably go and map out my plans for the book, but even that sounds too daunting now. Besides, I am getting my writing fix here, everyday.



Many of you have encouraged me to make this blog into a book and I would dearly love to do that. I have a friend who has sent me an example of a book proposal and maybe someday I’ll have time to work on it. (Thanks S!)



Out of curiosity today I checked the word count on the document where I keep all of these posts. Today’s blog included there are 92,187 words. Looks like I’ll make it to novel length and beyond.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

#268 Rugby and Baby Clothes

I finally overcame some of my inertia yesterday and started sorting through old baby clothes. I still haven’t managed to go through my boys’ closet, it’s just so big and so packed and so intimidating; but with the baby coming and friends starting to give me clothes I had to do something about the piles in the living room.




I actually didn’t think I had any baby clothes left, I thought I had given away all of my newborn through 2 year old clothes when we thought were done. I was wrong. I ventured into the attic to see what baby items we had and what we would need and found a whole set of plastic Target storage drawers labeled 0-3 months.



Last night I sorted through the clothes I had and a huge bin of clothes that a friend of mine recently gave to me. (Thanks M!) I found the outfits in which my two boys came home from the hospital. I found outfits that the boys were wearing in some of our favorite pictures. I found adorable “new” clothes from my friend that I can’t wait to put on the new baby.



I also found a onesie from the New Zealand All Blacks Rugby Team that Eric sent when my second son was born. Typical of Eric, when he moved to New Zealand he threw himself into all things Kiwi. He became a Rugby fan and quickly adopted the All Blacks as his team. In addition to that onesie we have miniature Rugby balls, larger sizes of All Blacks clothing and some promotional stuffed animals. He also took sailing lessons and learned to ride a motorcycle to travel around the country. Eric only lived there for about 6 months, but I truly feel that he experienced more of New Zealand than someone who might have lived there for years. Definitely more than I would have in that period of time.



While I am infinitely sad that Eric will not know this new child of mine and that he will not know Eric, I’m glad that he will have a gift from Eric that he can wear right away. Eric will influence his life in subtler ways than I might have hoped, but it will still happen.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

#267 Permission to do it my way

Who hasn’t heard of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her stages of grief? Her seminal 1969 bestselling book “On Death and Dying” introduced these to us and they have been taken as gospel ever since. Her original purpose was to describe the stages that the dying go through, but since then they have been generalized to explain the course of grief in survivors as well. The stages include, in order, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.




I don’t remember when I first heard about these, but it may have been in my undergrad psychology courses. I’m pretty sure they were mentioned in my theatre courses as well—there’s a lot of overlap there. I’m sure I encountered them again in medical school, probably as part of my “Patient as a Person” curriculum designed to turn number loving science geeks into touchy feely practitioners.



I know they feel ubiquitous, and yet they haven’t seemed to fit my grief for Eric and that has worried me. Yes I know, I’m anal. I don’t think I have gone through denial—at least not once I saw him lying there unresponsive in the hospital. I haven’t bargained, what was there to bargain for? I have experienced anger and depression. I’m reluctantly accepting.



Imagine my surprise to see an entire article in Time Magazine this week on grief and the news that these stages MAY NOT BE CORRECT! In fact, Kubler-Ross made them up based on her interviews with dying patients. I don’t mean to demean Kubler-Ross in any way. Her book started the discussion of acknowledging and treating grief in both the dying and the living and she never claimed to have all of the answers. Somehow that’s how it was translated to me though.



According to Time, there is now a whole field of study on grief and what it takes to make it through or not and surprisingly (or not), it just takes time. No counseling needed, no specific steps, no one way for everyone. That’s not to say that counseling can’t help or that other things might not help, just that they aren’t necessary. Apparently most people manage to get over the majority of their grief symptoms in 6 months with or without treatment.



6 months? That seems a little quick to me, but then again I haven’t conducted any studies. Most of the studies mentioned in Time were conducted on people who have lost spouses. That may be a special kind of loss. I also think sudden unexpected loss probably is different to recover from than the long drawn out loss from illness. The loss of the young is also different from the loss of an older person.



No matter how we recover or how long it takes, a part of me is relieved that I don’t have to follow the Kubler-Ross stages.



Of course another part of me didn’t like the part of the article that said discussing and writing about your experiences didn’t help with recovery. Maybe, probably, I would have gotten here anyway (if I’m considered recovered), but I know this blog helped. But I also know it wouldn’t help everyone.



I feel like I’m rambling here, but maybe that’s the point. Not everyone grieves the same way and not everyone has to. I feel a little freer now.

Monday, January 17, 2011

#266 Home Stretch

This is post number 266. Only 100 more posts to go. In the abstract, 100 of anything seems like a lot, but really I’m in the home stretch. I’m not sure how I feel about that.




I’m amazed at the fact that I have written 265 posts that, at least tangentially, have something to do with Eric. I’m anxious that I won’t have enough material to complete 100 more. I’m terrified that the specified time of the blog will end and I’ll fall apart without an Eric task to complete daily.



Once again I face the relentless march of time. Over a year has passed since all of our lives were changed by his loss and now my self imposed mourning project is also coming to an end. I know there are still 100 days, but today feels like a milestone.



Before those 100 days are over I will have another child (am anticipating missing some days there so it probably will stretch a little longer than 100 days). We will all be a year older and hopefully wiser. We will all still be missing Eric, although maybe not with the single minded fury we were a year ago.



I think it is that, more than anything else, that gets to me. That the grief and rage and pain can subside. That life goes on. That I’m expected, even demanded to go on. And that I can, and will.



I’ll still be here for the next 100 days, and after that, we’ll see. I’ll still be blogging, that much I’m sure of, but probably in a slightly different format. Definitely in one that doesn’t require a daily post. Hopefully you’ll transition with me. I’m sure Eric will be a part of that blog too, but again, probably not the main focus. That makes me sad and relieved and hopeful all at the same time.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

#265 Ear infections

My baby, the four year old one, has an ear infection. He has probably had it for about a week, but it was officially diagnosed about 5 days ago and he was started on antibiotics. Since then he’s continued to get worse (developed fever) and I think he has a cold on top of it all. We’ve changed his antibiotics and I’m sure he’ll get better soon, but in the meantime he’s miserable. He was actually in really good spirits until today when I think he finally started feeling sick and he has been clingy and miserable. You know your child isn’t feeling well when he hugs your leg and curls up on the kitchen floor as you empty the dishwasher. Right now he’s napping and hopefully he’ll wake up feeling better.




Eric had lots of ear infections as a baby. When we were little we used to ask my parents to tell us about when we were babies. It fascinated us that there was this whole part of lives that we couldn’t remember. My mother was usually able to come up with a cute little anecdote about me, but for Eric she would just say, “You cried”. It became a family joke. Of course it was because he had those ear infections, but he was also just a fussier more demanding baby than I was. My parents thought they were amazing parents until he came around and they realized what a difference temperament makes…..



Eric also used to throw his head back whenever anyone who was carrying him walked through a doorway. He would then hit his head on the doorway and cry some more. All of those minor head injuries probably explain a lot about his personality….



I hate that my baby is sick, and I know it was no fun for my mother when Eric or I were sick. Hopefully we’ll all be well soon.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

#264 Normal

Ok, ok, I know I’m late. This morning I didn’t have any inspiration and then I spent the entire afternoon car shopping—without success. When I got home my sick kid needed some attention and then it’s been one thing after another until now. The kids are in bed, my husband and I are fed, football is on TV and I need to write a blog.




This past Wednesday I had an ultrasound scheduled. Since the kids were out of school due to the snow, I decided to bring them with me so they could see their younger brother. They got a real kick out of it and my oldest even brought some of the pictures into school to show his class.



My oldest also wanted to see the ultrasound pictures I had of him, so we pulled out his baby book and looked through it. He found the card that Eric sent him that I blogged about here. We read it together and laughed at it together and remembered Eric together. It was a really nice moment.



He also thought it was funny that my favorite foods when I was pregnant with him were peanut butter sandwiches and chocolate. It was nice to be able to mention Eric and stay happy and move on to something else. It was almost normal. As normal as it’s going to get anyway.

Friday, January 14, 2011

#263 Parental Uncertainty

We are finally digging out from the snow and ice around here and although there was a 2 hour delay for school yesterday, there actually was school…and extracurricular activities. On Thursdays my oldest son has Tae Kwon Do and swim team back to back. Talk about exhausting! But he loves it and those are the only times we can do it, so we do it.




On the way to the JCC (where these activities are held—Charlotte has an amazing JCC) Uncle Eric came up tangentially in conversation. I honestly can’t remember how we got there, it wasn’t on purpose and it wasn’t in an emotional context, but still my son got emotional. My son is very dramatic, and while I don’t like to second guess his emotions, I sometimes wonder if they are genuine or manufactured to fit what he feels would be appropriate.



I tried to tell him that every time we think about Eric, it doesn’t have to make us sad. In fact, it’s nice to think about him without getting sad and remember the good times we had. He told me how someone in his school last year (teacher? counselor?) told him to imagine Eric on his shoulder, like an angel watching over him. I told him that was a great idea and that every time we think about Eric we keep him near us. Of course then he asked if that meant Eric went away when we weren’t thinking about him. I said no, I didn’t want him to feel the burden of always having to think about his uncle.



I did tell him that he and his father and grandparents and I had the special job of helping to keep Eric’s memory alive for his younger brother and creating a vision of Eric for his soon to be youngest brother. I think he felt good about this, I meant for it to make him feel special.



Later that day he started crying for seemingly no reason during swim practice. I asked him if it had anything to do with Uncle Eric and he said no, he was just tired. He didn’t want to leave, he wanted to finish practice, and he was able to calm down and do so.



I hope I helped him. I hope I didn’t give him more responsibility than he can handle. He is only, and just barely, 7. I did tell him that he can come to me and talk about anything at anytime. I hope he takes me up on that.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

#262 Stealing Voices

As faithful readers will know, I am a nighttime crime show aficionado. Every night I fall asleep watching true crime shows. Who knows how this will warp the child I am carrying and the other two who already did this with me. There are so many good crime shows, but for some reason the networks keep finding reason to create more, I guess because there are people like me who will watch them….or at least fall asleep to them.




The latest new one I’ve seen is “stolen voices. buried secrets” on Investigation Discovery. I have to say I am not a fan, and I won't even dwell on my problems with punctuation in TV show titles. The show is narrated by the murder victim as the story of the crime and its resolution are told. I have issue with someone giving voice to the murder victim. I am guessing that the person writing the script never knew the victim and has a rough sketch only of the family dynamics. Of course there are things no one will ever disagree with, such as loving and missing the family left behind, but really, how dare they speak for someone they don’t know? And why do they have to make it so trite? Probably, because they didn’t know the person.



Now Eric wasn’t murdered, but he is still gone. I don’t like putting words in his mouth and I’m his sister: arguably one of the people who knew him best in the world. I can guess what things he would like or not like, but I know that Eric was unpredictable enough that there will be times when I’m wrong. I don’t want to ascribe feelings to him that he wouldn’t have had. How could it possibly be ok for a stranger to do that for him?



I know nothing about the production of this show. I don’t know if they go to the families for input or insight or not. I assume they at least get permission since some family members are interviewed on the show. Still, I wouldn’t want an anonymous writer putting words in Eric’s mouth.



Eric’s past speaks for itself and as for the future, well, he doesn’t have one anymore. Pretending that he does just makes it that much harder.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

#261 Six Degrees of Separation

I was having trouble sleeping last night and I started thinking about Eric. That led me to thinking about Katie and I started wondering if there were other significant relationships in my life that I would have missed out on if not for Eric. And there are.




When Eric was 13 and had his Bar Mitzvah, he had no interest in the typical party that goes with it. Instead, he wanted to go to Egypt. My parents agreed to this as long as he would agree to have his Bar Mitzvah in Israel and he did. So we went on a tour of Israel and he had his Bar Mitzvah on top of Masada, a truly incredible experience. (As was our subsequent trip to Egypt) The tour and Bar Mitzvah were organized by a company who had lots of families who wanted to do the same thing. Therefore, the tour buses were organized by the age and gender of the siblings. Smart company! So we were on the 16 year old girl bus. On that bus I met two great friends, one of whom became my best friend in high school. We lost touch over the years, but recently have gotten back in touch through facebook. It’s amazing how that friendship is still there.



Through her, I met the guy I dated my senior year of high school. Again, we are now back in touch through facebook.



None of that would have happened without Eric.



Eric didn’t introduce me to my husband, but he did approve, and that made a huge difference to me. When we got engaged Eric told my parents he was relieved because he wouldn’t have to choose between us. (We all know he would have chosen me! Right?) His approval was not necessary, but was a sign that I was indeed making the right decision.



I’m sure there are ways he touched and changed my life that I haven’t thought of and may never become aware. I am grateful for all of them, known and unknown.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

#260 Building Frenzy

Lego fever may have finally reached our house. My oldest son got two sets of Legos for his birthday. I anticipated that the boxes would sit unopened until eventually I secreted them out of his room and donated them, but thanks in great part to our snow day this did not happen.




As anticipated, the boys lasted for about 15 minutes in the snow. Granted, the older one injured his lip (he’s fine) and neither one has water proof gloves, but they quickly got their fill of snow and whined incessantly for the whole three minutes it took me to make the hot chocolate about how cold they were. Thank God for microwaves.



Since ventures outside were over I was trying to come up with ways to entertain the boys that did not involve that big black box on the wall. The four year old took a nice long nap (he has a cold and boy did he need it!), so the seven year old and I cracked open the Legos. It took him awhile to get into it, while I got increasingly frustrated both by the fact that I was doing most of the building and that I was having trouble following the sketchy directions…but eventually he started building. He even worked on it without me while I prepped for dinner.



Today the boys are home again and the seven year old has already started back in on the Legos. Of course the four year old wants to build too, but the Legos are really too advanced for him and we can’t find the old Duplo set we used to have…it’s possible I donated that at some point after no one ever played with it. So he’s using Eric’s big cardboard bricks.



It makes me really happy that they are building and enjoying the toys that Eric enjoyed the most. Thank you snow day. Now let’s see how long this lasts.

Monday, January 10, 2011

#259 Snow Day!

We’re having a snow day today. Almost all of us anyway… Neither of my boys have school and my office is closed, but my poor husband who telecommutes most of the time anyway still has to work. Snow doesn’t get you out of walking up the stairs to your computer it seems….




I am faced with the prospect of entertaining 2 stir crazy boys all day. So far they have watched movies and are now trying to play a video game. I say trying based on the amount of frustrated noises and crying I’m hearing from the room they are in. I’m trying not to intervene unless absolutely necessary to preserve my sanity and to teach them conflict resolution. That’s valid, right?



At some point we’ll go out and play in the snow and I do have some cookie dough I purchased from a friend’s daughter in a school fundraiser so we can bake cookies and have hot chocolate to warm up.



When I was with my parents over New Years my mom and I were cooking dinner and she told me about a snow day when Eric and I were kids. My dad had to go to work, so she had us in the house by herself all day. We played outside while she shoveled the driveway and then when we came inside she made fried chicken and cornbread from scratch for dinner. Not even she could believe she actually used to do all of that. Oh, and in case you’ve never seen the house where I grew up, we had an enormous circular driveway.



I’m sure that Eric and I made this very easy for her. We were perfect little angels and never fought or gave her a moment’s trouble.



Actually I think Eric was probably easier on those days than I was. He loved being out in the snow making snow forts and snowmen and having snow ball fights. I loved the idea of it, but then got cold and probably whiny pretty quickly. I can remember what he looked like in the front foyer as we stripped off our snow pants and winter coats, hats and gloves. His red cheeks and eyes shining, his curly hair matted to his head.



Well, I need to go get my boys outside before they kill each other. They are very much like me, a few minutes outside and they’re ready for the hot chocolate. Maybe today they’ll find a spark of Eric’s joy in the snow.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

#258 Birthday Party Bliss

Birthday parties are in the air, or maybe I’ve just had too much cake…..




Yesterday we had my older son’s seventh birthday party at a local martial arts school. The kids all had a blast. They got to run through an obstacle course complete with a rope to swing from and a Bosu ball jump. They learned some punches, kicks and blocks and ended with some games. There was pizza and juice and cake and karate headbands for party favors. Everything a party should have.



Today I took my four year old to a birthday party for one of his friends. It was at a place called “Monkey Joe’s” which has lots of elaborate inflatable play sets guaranteed to exhilarate and exhaust your child. Again there was pizza, cake, party favors and thoroughly satisfied children.



It made me think about the birthday parties of my childhood. My mother was very creative (and willing to set and up and clean up her house) with my parties. We had an obstacle course in the backyard one year, a treasure hunt another year, and a talent show yet another year. It helped that my birthday falls in June so outdoor parties are possible.



Eric’s parties were another story. I’m sure every child who has a birthday around a major holiday has the same issue. The birthday tends to get forgotten or minimized. I can honestly say that we never forgot Eric’s birthday and it was always celebrated on time in the family, but somehow the party had a tendency to get missed. I think one year it was held in March.



With a January birthday in a northern state, outdoor parties are generally not a good idea. Many years in a row my mother rented film strips, yes film strips, and a projector and we watched cartoons. Wow do I feel old now.



When he was older he had a series of birthday parties at a video arcade.



I visited my friend who had a baby on New Years Day and I wanted to tell her to make sure they celebrate this little one’s birthday. But I figured between the c-section recovery, the baby’s broken arm and the general chaos of integrating a new member into the family, that message could wait. But she’ll have an across the street birthday party advocate for her when she’s ready.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

#257 Look....in a book!

I come from a family of readers. As a kid I can remember my mom sitting in her arm chair reading during rare breaks from taking care of me, my brother and my dad.




Later, my parents, Eric and I used to swap books on vacations as we would finish what we brought.



I remember one weekend I spent with a friend who lived in New York City when I was a teenager and when I came home Eric took one look at the book I had bought and said, “Oh, Mom just threw that away because she didn’t want you to read it”. It was a fairly graphic romance novel.



We all read every genre, but each have our preferences. I like suspense novels, my dad likes historical books, fiction or not, my mom tends towards true literature and Eric liked science fiction.



I suppose it’s no surprise that I married a man from a family of readers. He and I both love to read, it’s my favorite way to relax and unwind from a long day.



My seven year old is turning into a reader and that makes me really happy. For his seventh birthday we gave him our copy of the first Harry Potter book and he’s almost finished with it. More importantly, he’s loving it. He knows he won’t get the next one until he turns eight and he doesn’t want to wait…but he will.  Even my younger son who can't read yet, is desperate to be able to and loves the PBS show "Super Why" where they solve mysteries when they "look...in a book".  He also really wants me to buy "Your Baby Can Read" for the new little one.



Eric would be pleased. Eric had his living room set up as a library complete with carrels in between book shelves with just about every genre of writing represented. It makes me sad that Eric won’t be able to help guide my kids through the best of science fiction or other books that he loved to read. I can just imagine the torrent of books that would arrive at our house from him once our kids reached the age they could appreciate them.



Oh well, at least they’ll be readers too.

Friday, January 7, 2011

#256 Shipping

I have to start this blog with an apology to my mother. Sorry, but hopefully this will make you laugh.




One of the ways my family bonds is by making fun of my mother. I have to say she is an amazing sport; I probably couldn’t take half of the teasing she does.



When Eric and I were learning about world religions in middle or high school we somehow turned it around so that she had to learn it and it has become tradition for us to make her recite the 5 pillars of Islam at random times. I must say, none of us have ever forgotten them.



We used to make fun of her for asking over and over and over again if we had any homework and if so if it was done. I now know she was just looking out for us and trying to do a million other things at the same time. I get it now.



One of the biggest things Eric and I would share laughter over was her abhorrence of shipping costs. Her mother doesn’t like to pay for long distance telephone calls (even though that’s pretty much a thing of the past now) and mine doesn’t like to pay for shipping. When I was in college I got care packages with rice cakes and helium balloons—really cheap to ship!



If Eric and I shipped things to each other we didn’t tell her….we wanted to avoid a diatribe on shipping costs.



There is a certain kind of pen that I like to use. My husband makes fun of me because I have gone on a seemingly endless search for the perfect pen and I like only one kind of cheap pen. It’s not a Mont Blanc, it’s a Uni-ball Deluxe micro with black ink. But of course, I can never find it in stock anywhere. These are the pens I use at work and I really hate to use any other. I’m running out so I started looking for some and as usual struck out. We get free shipping on most items from Amazon so I looked there, but they only carry blue and red ink. Staples and Office Max have them on their websites, but not in stock in the store. Why? I have no idea. I hate the idea of paying $20.00 for a box of 12 pens and then having to pay $10 in shipping. I mean I really hate it, but I really need these pens!



Today I found a way to circumvent the shipping charge. I ordered the pens to be delivered to my local Staples where I can go pick them up. Ha!



I guess I’m turning into my mother after all.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

#255 The Name Game

As you all know, Eric was a New Year’s baby. In fact he was the first baby born in our county in the year 1977. He got his picture in the paper and I think my parents might have gotten some free pizza. I always thought that was pretty cool.




As you all probably also know, I’m pregnant. This means I’m going to have a baby to name. I am fascinated by names and always have been. I used to make long, long lists of names when we would go on car trips. I have found other people who are fascinated by names and one of them wrote a great baby naming book. Her name is Laura Wattenberg and she has a website, http://www.babynamewizard.com/ with lots of interesting naming tools and a blog.



From her website I found http://www.namecandy.com/ which had a recent blog featuring the names of the first babies born in each state for 2011. http://www.namecandy.com/celebrity-baby-names/blog/2011/01/04/new-years-first-baby-names-2011-a-little-ditty-about-jax-and-ca



Poor little Lexi Love is probably destined to be a stripper, and Princess Avana sounds like a character right out of Star Wars or Star Trek.



Naming a baby is a big responsibility. I’m considering the name that Eric wanted for himself, seen in post #56.



Julius Augustus Romulus



What do you think?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

#254 Star Wars footie pajamas...again...

Last night my 7 year old declared himself too old and too big to keep the outgrown Star Wars footie pajamas in his drawer. How did I deal with this? Surprisingly well. I told him to put them on the pile in the closet that I still haven’t managed to go through. Those pajamas will probably never leave our house, but they can leave his drawer.




Of course then my 4 year old, who does EVERYTHING his big brother does, pulled out his Star Wars footie pajamas and declared they were too small for him. They are not. While he didn’t wear them last night, I did get him to put them back in his drawer.



I am amazed at how much Star Wars seems to be a part of Eric’s legacy. I always knew he liked the movies, but I have written about these specific pajamas about 5 times. Then there is the Star Wars tent, the light sabers, and the 7 year old’s birthday party this weekend that is Star Wars themed. It almost makes me wish I liked the movies more….almost.



It’s nice that we have them though. As the boys get older and watch them more it’s something they’ll always associate with Eric. That’s just one of the many ways he’ll always be a part of our lives.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

#253 Snow

I heard on CNN this morning that it snowed in Las Vegas, there was accumulation on the strip for the first time, possibly, ever. It snowed in Vegas last December too.




The first few days we were there were nasty and rainy. I remember I had only brought the shoes I was wearing and they were suede and I had to run through the hospital parking lot full of puddles in the dark. Amazingly, I didn’t wreck them. Although I would trade outcomes…..



I don’t remember how long we had been there, but one night in our hotel suite we realized it was snowing. It was almost magical to see the snow flurries fall past the balconies. I remember calling the kids over to see it. And then remembering why we were there and wondering how anything could possibly seem magical. There was no accumulation that time and we quickly forgot about it.



I have reached a point in my life where snow is more about aggravation and slick roads than magic and the excitement of snowmen and sledding. Every once in a while it’s nice to find it magical again. Even momentarily.

Monday, January 3, 2011

#252 Change

Change.




Life doesn’t exist without it, but it can be so hard. My husband pointed out to me yesterday that the tone of my blogs has changed since I began. They are not as morose as they used to be. As least most of them anyway.



I agreed with him, but told him I didn’t want to talk about it. I hate that it has become routine to remember that Eric is gone. I hate that even though I don’t want to, I’m moving on. It feels like I am betraying him.



I know I can’t stay in that same place forever, but that doesn’t mean that part of me doesn’t want to.



I don’t know how this becomes normal, but slowly it does.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

#251 New Life

I just found out that a friend and neighbor of mine gave birth to a baby girl yesterday. It had been a long road to pregnancy for her and after years of trying, several miscarriages and the adoption of a beautiful little girl she got pregnant when she wasn’t even trying. It figures. I can’t tell you how happy I am for her and her family, and how happy I am that her daughter shares a birthday with Eric.




Yesterday was a really weird day. It was a celebration of sorts, of the New Year and of Eric’s birthday, but it was also mournful and sad. It didn’t help that the weather was gray and drizzly, or that my husband wasn’t feeling well, or that the Big 10 lost all of their bowl games.



My parents, husband and I toasted Eric with champagne and in the same toast wished for a happy and healthy New Year. It was a day of opposites and competing emotions.



I’m glad that new life came into the world yesterday and that I’m aware of it. I can’t wait to go buy her something pink.

Saturday, January 1, 2011